Angry British atheist/steadfast-Iraq-War-supporter Christopher Hitchens (that about covers it, right?) is known for his propensity for being just a little bit absolutely and completely certain that he's right at all times. (Evidence: he's still 100% sure that invading Iraq was a good idea.)
So when Vanity Fair editor Graydon Carter challenged him to give waterboarding a go -- that's the "aggressive interrogation method" that Hitchens insisted wasn't torture -- how could he refuse?
Turns out -- yep -- it's torture. My favorite passage:
The interrogators would hardly have had time to ask me any questions, and I knew that I would quite readily have agreed to supply any answer. I still feel ashamed when I think about it. Also, in case it’s of interest, I have since woken up trying to push the bedcovers off my face, and if I do anything that makes me short of breath I find myself clawing at the air with a horrible sensation of smothering and claustrophobia. No doubt this will pass. As if detecting my misery and shame, one of my interrogators comfortingly said, “Any time is a long time when you’re breathing water.” I could have hugged him for saying so, and just then I was hit with a ghastly sense of the sadomasochistic dimension that underlies the relationship between the torturer and the tortured. I apply the Abraham Lincoln test for moral casuistry: “If slavery is not wrong, nothing is wrong.” Well, then, if waterboarding does not constitute torture, then there is no such thing as torture.
(Don't forget to watch the video of Hitchens totally being tortured.)
And let's not forget that John McCain, who already is fully aware that waterboarding is torture and totally reprehensible, voted against a ban on its use. Have a happy 4th of July!
People in the early 20th century had little sense of the historical value of their pop culture; and, celluloid is hilariously flammable. So it's unusual to get good news about old film reels (just ask Universal Studios).
Amazingly, a full theatrical version of Fritz Lang's silent classic Metropolis -- the version thought lost forever -- has turned up in Argentina.
To give you some background: this original theatrical version, which runs about 210 minutes, was only seen in a handful of theaters in Germany in 1927 before it was chopped down to a 90 minute running time for widespread distribution. As you might imagine, certain story elements got pretty severely lost in the process. About six years ago the F.W. Murnau Foundation released a digitally-restored version that clocked in at around two hours and described some of the "lost forever" footage via new title cards -- that's the only version I've seen.
According to some armchair political strategists, Obama will probably try to piss McCain off during debates to remind everyone that he's a ticking time bomb of rage. ABC News found the trigger:
"McCain became visibly angry when I asked him to explain how his Vietnam experience prepared him for the Presidency."
As Furdell.com has taught its longtime friends and allies, the very best way to piss people off is to mock their greatest strengths, because that's what they generally have the worst sense of humor about. McCain can laugh off remarks about his age, for example; but mock his military service and all he can do is seethe in frustration.
That said, Furdell.com would like to suggest the following talking points for Obama during debates:
"My distinguished opponent claims that he was tortured in Vietnam. But he seldom mentions that he was, in fact, staying at the Hilton!"
I was going to write a list of three or so talking points, but I actually don't think I can top that one.
James Dobson says of Obama: "I think he's deliberately distorting the traditional understanding of the Bible to fit his own worldview, his own confused theology."
I know what you're thinking: Batman lives in Gotham City! Why would he decapitate a kid in Atlanta? Well, obviously I'm not talking about Batman: The Person, but rather Batman: The Ride.
Well it looks like something... caught her. YEAHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Hey guys, sorry I haven't had time to post the update on how I finished in the pinball tournament a few weeks ago. Spoiler alert: I finished 4th, and was very happy to do so. Traditional pinball photo essay to come.
In the meantime, here's an endless series of David Caruso one-liners from CSI: Miami.
Those of you who are going to Vegas with us in September are implicitly agreeing to see Purple Reign, the Prince tribute band also known (by James) as "Half-Blood Prince". This show also has a fake Morris Day and a fake guy who holds up a mirror for Morris Day.
It's not easy to find a good video of Purple Reign in action, so instead here's the super-extended version of real-Prince's music video for Partyman from the soundtrack to the motion picture Batman. Why the extended version? Because at about the four-and-a-half minute mark, Prince psyches out a chimpanzee with a fake banana, and that chimpanzee is dressed as Batman. Was there any way to not make that a run-on sentence?
"I had dinner with Chan over the weekend and we predicted that your answer would involve the home state's lack of acknowledgment. We figure you'll eventually clarify your position to this: as soon as it's legal in all 50 states and recognized by the Catholic church and blessed by the Pope..."
Oh yeah, that's fair.
First off, you're the one who suggested that, since California allows anyone in the country to wed, I might be appeased. How could you not expect me to care that those out-of-state weddings wouldn't count in most cases? That is ridiculous.
As to the part about the 50 states: if you want a line drawn, well, I don't think I can do that. I'm not sure how much progress it'll take for me to feel comfortable that marriage isn't a prejudiced and intrinsically religious institution. The repeal of anti-miscegenation laws was a twenty year process that started with California's State Supreme Court and ended with Loving v Virginia, so clearly these things can take time -- although I like to think we're a more progressive and accepting culture than we were in the 50s and 60s.
(I find it shocking, by the way, that just over 40 years ago -- and just over 13 years before I was born -- it was illegal in sixteen states for whites to marry blacks. That is truly, truly amazing.)
Just like in 1967, I'm aware that there's a certain pathetic backwater region of our country, henceforth referred to as the Shame of our Nation, that will have to be dragged into the 21st century kicking and screaming. I don't necessarily need to wait for that day, but I would like to be a little more confident that it will ever come. It would also help if, at the very least, the state I was living in allowed equal rights. These are just a couple of basics.
On to the last bit: I know you were joking about the Catholic Church and the Pope, but dude. Dude. My whole statement of purpose here is that I, [supposedly] like our government, want nothing to do with religion. As far as I'm concerned, the Catholics can continue to practice homosexuality only in secret and only with the illegally young, and the Pope can continue to pretend that the Bible allows for life on Mars. But I think one of the biggest roadblocks in the struggle for equal rights is the fear that we intend to change the way the church does its business. I just want the church out of our law, like it's supposed to be.
In other news: Today I overheard a woman talking with disgust about "the gays." (We just had the Fremont Fair, sort of a celebration of freakiness and rampant nudity, and apparently it ruffled this woman's feathers.) I then overheard her mention (almost proudly) that the father of her two children is a "pervert" and that it would be illegal for him to come near their children. That's God's America.
Last and also least, here's a joke I came up with a couple of weeks ago. You can use this at snooty cocktail parties. Here goes:
"Did you hear that Gov. Bobby Jindal, possible Republican VP candidate, was once an exorcist? Well, it is the party of Regan!"
If you can figure out how to tell that joke without hyperlinks, I swear it'll have people shooting martinis out their noses.
The gay marriage train started today in California. That gives gay couples about five months before their unions are potentially annulled in November by a vote to change the state constitution.
That sounds grim, since gays can only marry in California because of those lousy willful activist judges. Last month Slate had a good article with an optimistic spin: over the coming months, as homosexual marriage becomes mainstream, voters won't remember what all the fuss was about and it'll stay on the books. (Apparently that's basically what happened in Massachusetts.)
Also in same-sex marriage's corner, as we've discussed on this blog: the economy. Marriage is an expensive business, after all, with all those inedible cakes and whatnot.
Darn those willful judges and their love of rights
Yesterday those stinking activist judges -- or as McCain calls them, "willful judges" (presumably to be replaced one day by impartial robot tribunals) -- asserted the rights of Gitmo prisoners to a fair trial, like, you know, where you can actually challenge the charges against you and not be tried for the same crime twice and whatnot.
And only six years after the fact! What's the rush, Supreme Court? Did deciding the 2000 election take too much out of you? Did you need a nap after that or something?
Well, I've been patiently waiting for McCain and/or his supporters to throw their first racist stone. No luck as yet, but FOX news is not disappointing us. Earlier this week, they introduced the phrase "terrorist fist jab" into the lexicon, but yesterday they one-upped themselves by referring to Michelle Obama -- that's Senator Obama's wife of almost 16 years -- as the Senator's "baby mama." Please note that the following exchange is entirely fabricated, but eerily plausible.
FIRST FOX PRODUCER
I need a graphic about how mad liberals get when we smear Michelle Obama.
SECOND FOX PRODUCER
How about "Outraged Liberals: Stop Picking on Obama's Baby Mama!"
FIRST FOX PRODUCER
"Baby Mama"? What does that mean?
SECOND FOX PRODUCER
You know...it means...his wife, but black.
Convicted hedge fund manager and movie-trivia lover Samuel Israel III (Sammy 3 to his friends) may have faked his suicide by parking his car near the Hudson River and then writing in the dust on his car the heartbreaking message, "Theme from MASH".
Happy birthday, Alex...even though you can't read.
On this day in history, the national gas price average broke the $4 barrier -- a scant four years after your daddy quaintly complained about $2.15 per gallon. In other words, by the time you're old enough to drive, it'll be that or college. Not both.
I've been having lots of fun this weekend participating in a tournament at the Northwest Pinball and Gameroom Show, a short bus ride away from my apartment. I think I've made the playoffs, although they were still tabulating the results tonight when they closed the exhibition hall. But in the midst of qualifying for the playoffs, I experienced the most frustrating game of pinball I've ever had.
And understand, I've had some bad ones. I've had games where the ball went down the outlane without me touching it three consecutive times, in playoffs... but I blame those more on me than the machine. In this case, I couldn't help but feel the machine was out to get me.
From the desk of Furdell & Furdell, up-and-coming marketing firm
Dear Barack Obama,
We at Furdell.com have worked tirelessly to bring you the greatest campaign slogan ever. Feel free to use it, as long as you credit us appropriately, and give us some kind of kickback when it makes you the most powerful man on Earth. Like give us Guam or something. (It's just an itty-bitty place, Mr. Luthor.)
Ahem. Your new slogan:
Get ready to ride the changercoaster!
Eh? Ehh? Yeah? Whaddaya think? Sleep on it maybe? You sleep on it, and get back to me.
Love,
Furdell.com
Entity
In other news, here's a message from Hillary Clinton to you, her supporters:
On Saturday, I will extend my congratulations to Senator Obama and my support for his candidacy. This has been a long and hard-fought campaign, but as I have always said, my differences with Senator Obama are small compared to the differences we have with Senator McCain and the Republicans.
I have said throughout the campaign that I would strongly support Senator Obama if he were the Democratic Party's nominee, and I intend to deliver on that promise.
If there's one proven by my recent post about Hillary fanatics flipping over to McCain, it's that my mother isn't the only person who reads this blog. (And if humor is measured in inventive cursing1, this blog was much funnier before my mother started reading it.)
Unfortunately it seems that some of our readers don't understand what Furdell.com is all about.
I understand if you don't agree with my decision, but don't insult my intelligence. Posted by Mary at June 3, 2008 7:41 PM
...just because we don't agree doesn't mean we have to insult her views. Grow up. Posted by jen at June 4, 2008 12:31 PM
That's right, reader: I so completely don't acknowledge your intelligence, that I'm pretty sure I can rick roll you without even making an effort at deception. That's exactly how stupid I think you are.
Now that that's out of the way: in the interest of further angering Clinton supporters, and to further promote the use of inventive cursing, here's the video that reimagines the movie Downfall to be about Clinton losing the nomination, which she totally just did.
New Yorker cartoonist plagiarizes Jack Kirby, and thus also plagiarizes Stan Lee -- who, up until now, had the market cornered on taking credit for Kirby's work.
STAN
Superheroes are popular again! I need an idea fast!
JACK
I did a comic about a team of four adventurers who challenge the unknown. Maybe we could do something like that, but with super powers and --
Apparently a significant chunk of Clinton supporters have decided that if they can't have the first female president, they'd rather have John McCain.
That's really smart. It proves that Clinton's supporters weren't just interested in advancing the station of women in American life. After all, they're switching over to the pro-life candidate, a man who recently described Roe v Wade as "tragic". From the horse's mouth:
I am proud of my pro-life record in public life, and I will continue to maintain it...As a leader of a pro-life party with a pro-life position, I will persuade young Americans [to] understand the importance of the preservation of the rights of the unborn.
Real smart, former Clinton supporters. That's what they call throwing out the right to not have babies, with the bathwater you otherwise wouldn't have had to use on the baby you didn't want to have.
After a fourth straight blowout loss on the road, Ichiro sums it up:
"Playing on this team and seeing what is happening around me, I feel that something is beginning to fall apart,'' Ichiro said, through a translator. "But, if I was not in this situation, and I was objectively watching what just happened this week, I would probably be drinking a lot of beers and booing.''
Here's a rough transcript of a phone call I got around 10am.
AUTOMATED MESSAGE
Blah blah blah car warranty blah blah blah expire soon blah blah press one to speak to an operator blah blah blah
Andrew presses one.
OPERATOR
Blah blah blah --
ANDREW
Never, ever, ever call this number again, ever.
OPERATOR
...um...your warranty...
ANDREW
Ever.
OPERATOR
Are you sure?
ANDREW
I am absolutely sure. Never call me again.
OPERATOR
Why?
ANDREW
Because you're scam artists. Take me off your list.
OPERATOR
I'm not taking you off the list.
ANDREW
Take me off the list.
OPERATOR
I'm not taking you off the list. (click)
ANDREW
Unbelievable.
And yet it happened. Okay, so I could've been smoother about that. Next time I'm going to identify myself as Colonel Furdell, and inform them that cold-calling a secret military installation is grounds for black-ops firebombing.
In a bit of sad news for James Bond enthusiasts like myself, Amy Winehouse will not be doing the next Bond theme after all, apparently because she's a total mess.
Very disappointing. Whose style is more well-suited to Bond than Winehouse, a sexy young Brit who drinks way, way too much and produces hit songs about same? Well, besides 50 Cent?
