11/19/2003

The following is, in fact, not an illustration, and I feel just awful about it.
Also it's not something even remotely created by me, but it is hilarious. It's my friend's automatically-generated out-of-office email response message. I'm pretty sure he wrote this himself, because for one thing he's a total loon, and for another Google doesn't know what I'm talking about when I type "Really Holy Book of Zarber." Hey, why does it suggest an alternative spelling when it knows full well it has no results for that, either? Whatever. Behold, my friend's away message thing:

I am out of the office

Where am I? Well, I am a proud disciple of the Holy House of Zarber, and over the next few days my fellow disciples and I will be celebrating the most important of all religious holidays, The Procession of Cleanliness.

The Procession of Cleanliness is one of the first sacred days of the Holy House of Zarber. How this day came to be is best described in this passage from the Really Holy Book of Zarber.

(Really Holy Book of Zarber, 11:5 Revelations) ...and Zarber looked down upon his Holy House and saw that dust had found its way in and that half-eaten food and empty beer bottles laid about where there once were none. Seeing this Zarber became dismayed with his disciples and created a day of respect for the Holy House of Zarber.

In observance of this day my fellow disciples and I will clean the Holy House of Zarber in tribute to his divine majesty. This year I have the garage. I am blessed that it is the messiest and dirtiest of all the rooms in the Holy House because by cleaning it I will achieve great favor with my Lord God, the Holy Zarber.

Many of you might be asking, 'who is this Zarber you speak of? And how can I devote my life to him?' Well the best way to answer both those questions is to provide you with the Sacred Scroll of Seven (actually eight) that was mysteriously handed down to Carl, the Holy Teacher, on the roof of his house during Labor Day weekend. It reads as follows:

THE SACRED SCROLL OF SEVEN (ACTUALLY EIGHT)

1. Zarber is the one true God. He can be called Zar for short, and if you are in a in a real pinch you may call him Za, but don't make a habit of it.
2. Zarber doesn't appreciate prayer. So don't pray. If you feel compelled to pray please refrain from doing so and instead hum.
3. Zarber is a none-smoker. If you wish to smoke you must do it in places Zarber doesn't frequent, such as churches, synagogues, mosques, and maternity wards.
4. The symbol of Zarber is the single pointed star. If you do not know what a single pointed star looks like, find a two pointed one, cover one eye, and hum.
5. Everyone will observe naked Sunday as clothes separate one's body from Zarber. Sunday is also laundry day.
6. Rent in the Holy House of Zarber is free. However, tribute is $650 a month. Tribute includes heat and hot water, but not cable.
7. The Holy Teacher is the word of Zarber. So listen to him as if it were I, the Holy Zarber. Failure to do so can result in excommunication from the Holy House of Zarber and the loss of your deposit.
8. Always use a coaster.

Zarber is wise and divine. He has enlightened me in many ways. The true source of the Holy House of Zarber comes from the Really Holy Book of Zarber, which was written on 32 cocktail napkins, then later transcribed onto11 paper towels. To illustrate the profound knowledge of Zarber, I have picked out my favorite passage from his writings.

(Exerpt from the Really Holy Book of Zarber, 23:15, The Pancakes of Enlightenment)

...and on the 3rd day of the 7th month of the 2 thousandth year, plus one, the first disciples of the Holy House of Zarber awoke one morning to the smell of pancakes emanating from the sacred eating area. They went to investigate, and there near the oven they saw their Holy Teacher, Carl.
A disciple came forward and asked, "How many pancakes are we having for breakfast?"
"Green." the Holy Teacher replied.
"Please excuse me most revered Holy Teacher," the disciple said, "but you must have misunderstood my question."
"I misunderstood nothing," responded the Holy Teacher, "It is you who misunderstand my answer."
"How so?"
"All answers existed before questions. Therefore you must frame your question to meet the answer, not vice-versa."
The disciples then left the sacred eating area and pondered the Holy Teacher's answer of green. They later came back to him and asked, "Oh holy Teacher, what is the color made by blue and yellow?"
"Ten."
With that the disciples were enlightened and began to hum.

This is only the tip of the iceberg. The teachings of Zarber go on and on enlightening us with their intimate knowledge of the world and the meaning of existence. During the holiday as I clean the garage, I will reflect upon the writings and teachings of the great and Holy Zarber, and in doing so I will come to understand my place in this world - which will be in a garage, but a metaphysical garage, filled with analogies, hidden meanings, life lessons, cosmic truths, and a broken lawn mower.

I'll be back soon.