The Really Worst Songs Ever

Because VH-1 needs more five-hour-long list-based specials now that "Top 500 Most Embarrassing Moments in Polka" and "I Love 4.3 Seconds Ago" have run their respective courses, the cable network has teamed up with Blender: The Magazine for Gen-X Kitchen Appliances to come up with, purportedly, the "Worst 50 Songs Ever".

Naturally, they didn't try all that hard. "We Built This City" by Starship is #1, which, admittedly, is a horrible song... but is it the worst ever? "Everybody Wang Chung Tonight" is #3 on their list, which is really a shame; that's one of those songs that was probably written in five minutes that actually holds up well over time. "Ice Ice Baby" by Vanilla Ice at #5 is bad, but he himself had a much worse song than that.

Well, I'm no Mo Rocca, thank God, but my extensive collection of American Top 40s with Casey Kasem certainly makes me something of an authority on terrible songs that were at least somewhat popular at one time, but really shouldn't have been. Thus, I feel the need to present to the world... James' list of the Five Really Worst Songs Ever.

Let's start the countdown.

Num-ber FIIIIIIIVE!

(That's sung, by the way.)

Coming in at #5 is a song by one of the Jacksons. No, Not Michael... not Janet.... not Jermaine... not LaToya... I'm of course talking about Rebbie Jackson and her song Centipede from 1984.

I actually kind of like the music, but recent events involving Michael, who also wrote and produced the song to give it that now-creepy Michael sound, make listening to it... well, creepy.

Your love
Is like a ragin' fire
You're a snake that's on the loose
The strike is your desire

But when the centipede is hot
You?re bound to feel the fire, huh
And when the centipede is hot
You?re bound to feel the fire

Michael writing and producing, working with one of the lesser Jacksons, combined with the apparent centipede-as-penis metaphor, and knowing what we know now about Michael's sexual proclivities... all add up to make this a fatal car crash of a song.

Num-ber FOURRRRR!

Granted, Milli Vanilli's act was all a sham. But even towards the end of the sham, the singers doing the real singing were phoning it in with songs like "All or Nothing". Sadly, after going out on their own, Rob and Fab decided to cut their own album in 1992. This resulted in one of the worst songs ever to grace a CD: "Let's Do It".

The duo proved they couldn't sing or speak English too well, and also proved that no amount of over-production and roboty voices can hide tone deafness. Must be heard to be believed.

Num-ber THREEEEE!

If I had my way, this entire list would be filled with Billy Joel songs. Public service announcement: if you're ever at a dueling piano bar, don't yell out that Billy Joel sucks. I'm probably still not welcome back at Jellyrolls in Atlanta.

Anyway, the worst of the former Mr. Christie Brinkley's songs is far and away "We Didn't Start the Fire". While the idea of a 20th century history lesson in song is kind of interesting, they really should have spent more than 20 seconds coming up with music to back the lyrics. Here's how to play the song:

E, E, E-E-E, D D D D D-D-D, D, D, D-D-D, D-D-D, C.
E, E, E-E-E, D, D, D-D-D, D, D, D-D-D, D-D-D, C.

The whole thing basically consists of those three notes, and Billy Joel shouting out some cultural event in that key. Absolutely infuriating. And in the end, the song doesn't really even have anything to say; it's just a random collection of pop-culture references strung together without any meaning behind it. (Umm, not that that's a bad thing...)

NUM-BER TWOOOOO-ooo!

I happen to own the cinema classic Cool as Ice, on laserdisc, so I think I know something about which pre-makeover Vanilla Ice songs are bad. And while "Go Ninja Go" and "I Want To Thank You For Letting Me Be Myself (Uh!)" are indeed bad, clearly the worst is his cover-slash-remake of "Play That Funky Music, White Boy," which hit #4 in 1991.

The Wild Cherry version is almost bad enough to make this list on its own merits. But when you add Vanilla's pedestrian-even-for-1991 raps, and his horrible, horrible attempt at trying to sing the "Lay down the boogie" line, which is about three keys off... this was clearly the death-knell for the VIP crew.

So what's number one?

DRUM ROLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL....

Why, it's Rick Springfield with "Bop 'Til You Drop" from 1984.

"What," you say? "I've never even heard of that." That's because it's awful. This may be the most over-produced song in history. The version I'm talking about is the radio edit, which took a fairly low-key song and added sound effects, a constantly repeating guitar note in an unchanging key, and, everybody's favorite: computery voices.

But that's not all. This song came from a cinematic gem called Hard to Hold, and that titular line is wedged into the song at a random place. (See, lady who sung the theme to Octopussy? It's not that hard.) Furthermore, the movie is a one-star vehicle for the singer, which you can read about at the best web site on the Internet, Rick Springfield Fans. (Don't forget to click on the page consisting only of photos of Rick Springfield in a towel, from the movie. Surely this is what DARPA had in mind when they created the Internet.)

But Springfield was already on the way down in the world of pop music, which adds the "crappy career-ender" stigma to this song. All in all, it all adds up to make the "Bop 'Til You Drop" radio edit the Really Worst Song Ever.

Until next time, this has been James. Keep your feet on the ground... and keep reaching for the stars.