Apparently I haven't been fulfilling my blogging responsibilities, so here, as long ago promised, is my list of the best, funniest, most outlandish Passions happenings I have seen so far.
#5 ? The past lives of Luis, Sheridan, and Antonio. Every soap opera has its super-couples, and the duo of Luis and Sheridan is the most annoying one on Passions. Not only are they madly in love in this life, but they have frequent flashbacks to their former lives in which they also, you guessed it, were madly in love. And Luis' brother Antonio is always there to complete the requisite love triangle. What's great about these flashbacks is that they are always ripping off some blockbuster movie. My favorites are the Titanic rip-off (Sheridan = Kate Winslett, Luis = a Hispanic Leo, and Antonio = Billy Zane) and the current one, a Pirates of the Caribbean rip-off, except Sheridan is in love with the Johnny Depp character, not the Orlando Bloom character, and Antonio is the upstanding Captain determined to protect his love from the blackguard pirates. When I last saw them, the trio were being attacked by some "phantom pirates." I?m rooting for the phantoms.
#4 ? Precious falls for Luis. Popular guy, that Luis. Not only are Sheridan and Beth in love with him, but so is Precious. Those of you who read my last entry may remember that Precious is the chimp that Beth hired as a nurse for her mother. Whenever Luis comes to the house to see what he thinks is his son by Beth (really his son by Sheridan, kidnapped by Beth), we, the viewers, are made to know that Precious has quite a crush on him, mostly through dream sequences of the chimp and Luis running through a meadow, dancing at a ball, giving each other foot rubs ... you get the picture.
#3 ? Theresa goes to hell. Theresa, pregnant by her boyfriend Ethan's ex-father Julian (it's a long story) and dumped by Ethan on account of it, decides to commit suicide. Since people on soap operas are always Catholic (I guess it's more dramatic than being Presbyterian), and suicide is a sin in Catholicism, Theresa goes straight to hell. She finds herself in what looked to me like a vegetable cart, being spirited along a never-ending tunnel by some "scary" demons that looked like eight-year-olds dressed as devils on Halloween. And this went on for DAYS. Theresa looking scared, having her hair blown back by a fan to make it look like they were going very fast indeed, and occasionally uttering things like, "Where are you taking me?! No! NO!" Upon finally reaching her destination, Theresa meets with the devil himself. The best description I can think of is that he looked remarkably like the devil in the Mexican movie Santa Claus, as seen on MST3K. She wound up making a deal with the devil to restore her life and spare her from hell, but I can't remember the details, and the writers seem to have forgotten all about it too, so don't hold it against me.
#2 ? Kay freezes Charity. Kay finds a magic book and uses it to freeze her cousin in a huge block of ice. See my previous Passions entry for more fun details.
#1 ? Beth?s "baby" leaks. In my favorite ridiculous Passions moment, Beth, who has been pretending to be pregnant by strapping a five-pound bag of sugar to her waist, somehow starts to leak while in the ob/gyn waiting room. As sugar pours onto the floor from her fake womb, the onlookers, instead of saying, "Hey, you're not really pregnant, you lying bitch," become alarmed for her health because, after all, it's not normal to leak sugar when you're pregnant, so there must be something really wrong with her.
And that does it for my top 5 list. I promise that the writers have more bizarre moments in store for us, and I will be sure to keep you posted.
The monkey in love with Luis is clearly a setup for later, when they turn the monkey into a woman. The description of the ride through "hell" in a vegetable cart is priceless (and in my opinion should foster a new popular saying, i.e. "We're going to hell in a vegetable cart").
It's still not clear to me whether the writers actually take their jobs seriously, or if they are instead crafting the most ridiculous stories they can think of as an over-the-top satire of soaps in general. Or maybe they're just on some kind of LSD-crack-heroin cocktail.
OMG - I was laughing out loud. Where do they find these WRITERS???!?!!?!!
I'm going to have to tape a couple episodes and catch up on this madness.
Is Sheridon dead? Or missing (AGAIN)? Why is she letting Beth raise her baby?
It hasn't yet come out that Beth kidnapped the baby. No one found out she was faking being pregnant. She kidnapped Sheridan, wearing a clown suit the whole time and aided by Sheridan's evil father dressed up as a lesbian in love with Beth, and took the baby when Sheridan gave birth. Charlie, the fake lesbian, was then seen driving a car into the ocean, and lots of baby toys turned up, so the assumption is that Sheridan's baby is dead. For a while Sheridan suspected the baby was hers, and Gwen still thinks so but has her own problems, and Sheridan's father and husband worked together to get her committed to a mental hospital where her doctor, who used to be my favorite Michael Horton on Days, brainwashed her to accept that her baby was dead and forget she was in love with Luis.
Hmm. You probably didn't want to know that much, but it's impossible to give a simple answer to what seems like a simple question!