Redneck movie explosion

Do I hate myself?

You could make an argument for yes, since I occasionally watch some of the worst movies ever made. I could win a Nobel prize with the potential material I could write about gems such as Cool As Ice and Disco Godfather, and, um... Cool As Ice 2: Cooler Than Ice.

But there are still many bad movies out there I haven't seen, which is why I recently sat down for a viewing of the DVD of Hal Needham's 1981 classic The Cannonball Run.

Needham's movies seem to have their own oeuvre. Or niche. Whatever. Needham actually got his start as Burt Reynolds' stunt double on Gunsmoke in the '60s, but was suddenly thrust into unlikely directoral stardom with 1977's Smokey and the Bandit, a giddy chase movie with likeable performances by everyone and a great country soundtrack by Jerry Reed.

Needham brings a silly but energized sensibility to the production and an action man's need to see things moving. But he also has a distinctive feeling for relationships, and he's good with a joke. Put all that together, and Smokey is, at the very least (and unlike its sequels), a simple and original pleasure.

--Tom Keogh, super70s.com

Needham's debut was a huge hit, finishing second at the box office for the year to Star Wars. Studio bosses had a resounding answer to the oft-asked question, "Will it play in Peoria?" and were eager for more films from Needham partnered with Reynolds.

Sadly, that's when the two started to kind of phone things in. However, Hooper, featuring Reynolds as a stuntman, and Smokey and the Bandit II, a lackluster sequel that sadly gave us the first screen comedy partnership between Burt Reynolds, Dom DeLuise, and a pregnant elephant, apparently did well enough for somebody to green-light Cannonball.

And what a star-studded affair it would be. Even today the cast list is amazing. Besides the questionable comedy team of Reynolds and DeLuise, you had:

Roger Moore
Farrah Fawcett
Farrah Fawcett's nipples
Dean Martin
Sammy Davis Jr.
Jack Elam
Terry Bradshaw
Jackie Chan
Peter Fonda
Jimmy "The Greek" Snyder
Bert Convy
Jamie Farr

OK, granted, it's starting to look like the guest stars list for an episode of The Love Boat or Match Game '78 towards the end there, but that's still an impressive list, especially if you add the (by now inexplicable) box-office draw of Reynolds.

With that kind of star power, and with Needham directing, you might be able to forgive people for thinking that maybe Cannonball would be able to recapture the all-out action and light-hearted charm of the original Bandit. Or perhaps they were sucked in by the classic Drew Struzan poster artwork:

How thrilled and/or terrified they must have been, to sit in that dark theater in 1981 and hear the opening tones of the opening theme song, a bizarre mix of country, disco and synthesizer, and sung by Ray Stevens, the musical auteur who blessed us with such novelty hits as "Ahab the Arab" and "The Streak."

Following that, we learn that we're here to witness a cross-country race where the only rule is... wait for it... waaaaait for it... you guessed it, there are no rules. Then, we take an eternity of screen time to meet our contestants.

Burt Reynolds is a mechanic with the somewhat politically incorrect idea of racing in an ambulance, thus avoiding being pulled over. He also likes to, inexplicably, fly his airplane onto the main street of a small town in order to pick up some product-placed Budweiser. Power lines be damned!

Reynolds' favorite hobby is smacking around Dom DeLuise, his mentally disturbed sidekick who, in times of trouble, manifests a second personality known as "Captain Chaos," a superhero in a cape and mask who throws his oppressors through flimsy plate-glass windows. Oh, how I wish I was kidding.

Roger Moore shows up in surely his most bizarre role ever. He plays a man who is deluded into thinking he's... Roger Moore. But his name is really... Seymour Goldfarb? WTF?! Honestly, my brain imploded halfway through the scene in which Seymour explains to his mother why he pretends to be Roger Moore, so I really can't give you the full story. Every scene involving Moore includes a sound-alike James Bond-ish theme, and a quasi-"Bond girl" voiced by Rocky the Squirrel, and Moore activating some kind of spy-device on his car. Apparently the Goldfarb story element was designed to prevent Albert "Cubby" Broccoli, the Bond movie patriarch, from suing. (A lesser man would here include a joke about steamed Broccoli. Make up your own.)

Farrah Fawcett is thrown in sort of as an afterthought, playing a dippy environmental activist (ha ha, isn't the environment stupid?) who's easily tricked into aiding Burt and Dom's cause. The scene where she tries to hold a flirty conversation with Burt, while a sappy "love theme" plays in the background, will make you want to vomit up your internal organs. At least she had the decency to not wear a bra.

Dean Martin and Sammy Davis Jr. make an appearance, and it's the kind of appearance that makes you wonder why they were ever famous in the first place. It's not evident here, as their perpetually drunk (and driving) characters dress up as Catholic priests in an attempt to evade arrest. They later lament not dressing up as Presbyterians so they could hit on women. Don't worry guys, you can always pick up some altar boys along the way.

Terry Bradshaw. The former Steelers quarterback and current Most Annoying Man on Television was apparently a favorite of Needham. He really had to stretch his acting ability here in order to play a big, dumb guy.

Chinese martial arts star Jackie Chan made his American film debut in Cannonball alongside Chinese comedy star Michael Hui. Sadly, they're playing Japanese characters here. More sadly, the intended audience probably doesn't know the difference. At least Chan does get to squeeze in a fight scene towards the end.

Bert Convy shows up as the race's defending champion. His character spends the entire movie riding cross-country on a motorcycle, and stuck in a perpetual wheelie because his back-seat passenger is so fat. (The password is "pointless.")

Jamie Farr pays homage to his Lebanese heritage by portraying a super-rich sheik. Tell me if this line would make it into a movie today:

The Sheik: My driving is rivaled only by the lightning bolts from the heavens!

Sheik's Sister: So you still intend to enter the race with the infidel Americans?

The Sheik: My dear sister, the Cannonball shall fall to the forces of Islam! I swear it!

Yeah, I kinda doubt it too.

Anyway, there are some other minor annoying characters as well. Everybody races from New Jersey to California. The racers start at staggered times and use punch cards to later on determine order of finish. This is, of course, all forgotten at the end, when they're all in a rush to get to the punch card machine, and the first one who reaches it is declared the winner. Even though the first finisher's time might have been slower than someone else's time, who had started later, and never mind, I'm thinking wayyyyy too hard for this kind of movie.

The final insult: at the end, when Burt is complaining about Dom's alter ego for the millionth time, Dom says, that's OK, I always wanted to be... Captain USA! And, all of a sudden he's dressed like Captain America. And everybody laughs. Aaaaand... that's the end.

The moral of the story is, it all makes very little sense. This isn't so much a movie as a random collection of actors having a much better time goofing off than I am watching them. I can't wait for Cannonball Run II.

(Oh wait, they made that already. Never mind.)