|
|
June 17, 2004
Cannonball Run is Awesome: A Rebuttal
Those of you who know my brother are aware that he is retarded. However, it has come to my attention that total strangers read this site and might assume, from my retarded brother's uncanny grasp of the English language, that he has insights. To those people I present the following rebuttal.
Cannonball Run has been a proud member of my extensive-yet-exclusive DVD collection for quite some time now, and I have viewed the film enough times to make me an expert.
Now, first of all I think it's important to point out that Cannonball Run is based on true, awesome events. There actually was such a thing as the Cannonball Sea-To-Shining-Sea Memorial Trophy Dash, organized by CB screenwriter Brock Yates. Bet you didn't know that, huh, Mr. Smart-Ass? Hmm? Didn't think so. In fact, Yates himself was on the team that dressed up a car like an ambulance, complete with a fake doctor and his wife acting as the patient (though in real life their car broke down before they reached the finish). The point of the Dash, if there can be said to have been a point, was that speed limits are not necessary as long as people are good drivers...or something. The point may also have been "hilarity."
Let us shred my brother's argument on a point by point basis.
First of all, Dom DeLuise's turn as Captain Chaos is the funniest part of this, or in fact any movie. Gentle reader, words can not convey the sheer hilariosity when DeLuise makes the inexplicably fast transformation into his costumed alter ego, whom Burt Reynolds apparently loathes. The look on Burt?s face when Captain Chaos shows up?look, I?ve seen this movie about forty times, and I still laugh so hard that milk comes out of my nose, and I haven?t had milk in years. Think about that.
Roger Moore? Okay, we all know I have a weakness for anything remotely related to James Bond. My previously mentioned DVD-collection would carry a lot more clout if it didn?t include such classics as Casino Royale and Moonraker. But I believe I can say, with total objective certainty, that Roger Moore is fantastic in this film. In one of my favorite scenes, when Moore?s concerned mother finds his gun, he regretfully must kill her. Well, it?s funnier when Roger Moore says it. Moving right along?
Yes, Farrah Fawcett is awful. In fact I?d say she?s the worst thing about this movie. But if the worst thing about a movie is a woman with a nice pair of floppy titties, then it must be the Fucking Awesomest Movie of All Time.
Dean Martin and Sammy Davis Jr.?s drunken shenanigans are actually quite funny when you view them the way myself and Celebrity Movie-Watching Pal Matt B. did. (Hi Matt!) James, we suggest you watch the movie again, and this time keep this thought in mind: ?Hey, is this actually in the script, or did Dean Martin really just show up hammered every day?? Comedy.
Terry Bradshaw? Yeah, okay. Well, somehow he was more convincing in this role than he was playing himself in Smokey and the Bandit II. You gotta give him that.
I?m going to skip some of your other good points and skip straight to what must be the Stupidest Thing My Brother Has Ever Typed, and that is that the end of this movie is in some way not spectacular. Yes, James?s description of the ending was accurate, but he likes all sorts of movies that don?t have resolutions. Remember how much you loved Blow Up? Yes, I did go there. I just compared Cannonball Run to an Antonioni film. Deal with it!
This movie is madcap and wacky, and its ending suits it! But the outtake version of the ending, which plays at the end of the credits, has to be the funniest thing ever committed to celluloid. It?s similar to the actual ending, but it goes like this:
Again, this is something you must see for yourself, probably while finishing a bottle of something.
In conclusion, my brother is completely wrong and stupid. But don?t take my word for it; rush out and rent or buy several copies of Cannonball Run immediately. Because that way, even if you don?t like the movie, I win.
Yes! I actually started choking on whiskey at the outtake ending.
On the other hand, Andrew likes Roger Moore so much, he secretly liked Boat Trip.
kk - Jun 17, 2004 - 7:51 AMSorry, Andrew, I'm going to have to go with James here. As a crucial marriage survival tool, I think I've developed quite a tolerance for, and sometimes even an appreciation of, crappy movies, but I failed to see anything redeeming about this one. Dom DeLuise is one of the least funny "comedians" on earth, superhero costumes and hampster obsessions notwithstanding, and I'm afraid the prominent part Farrah's nipples played did nothing to endear the movie to me. I did think the Roger Moore scene with his mom was kind of funny, though.
Kimberly F - Jun 17, 2004 - 9:03 AMJames - as I suggested Sunday, please view Half Past Dead and let me know your thoughts. I know you pretty well, but I guess I still don't have a handle on exactly what it is about particular awful movies that make them instant classics in your head. Getting your take on Seagal and Jah Rule running in fast forward through every good cop/bad cop; good guy/bad guy; black guy/white guy etc. etc. cliche would give me a good frame of reference. Of course, I'm a huge fan of second rate Eddie Murphy and Chevy Chase movies (The Distinguished Gentleman, Spies Like Us).
As for Cannonball Run, it's one of those movies that has been on broadcast TV so many times that I think I just skip over it assuming I've already seen it. Reading these lengthy critiques/odes though, I think I might never have actually seen the movie in its entirety. Because I'd remember Farrah's nipples.
LiAps - Jun 17, 2004 - 9:53 AMI really should see "Half Past Dead" just for the title. It's going in the queue.
Andrew, you ignorant slut. Thinking that I didn't know that this piece du cinema was based on a real race organized by screenwriter Brock Yates is grounds for hanging! But did YOU know that the ambulance they raced held 90 gallons of gas, and could accommodate four gas nozzles at one time?
It's a FACT, bitch.
James F - Jun 17, 2004 - 10:01 AMAs a matter of fact I did know that, ass.
I simply do not understand how you Other Furdells did not love Cannonball Run. I like it so much that just talking about it last night made me bring it in to work this morning. Cannonball! Cannonball!
It's like Smokey and the Bandit without the love scenes! Magnifique.
Andrew F - Jun 17, 2004 - 10:16 AMI'm doubly cursed by Cannonball Run. When it first came out, I was an army brat, living on a military base in Germany, and the base theater showed Cannonball Run -- and only Cannonball Run -- for something like a month. With not much else to do, I must have seen it at least 3 or 4 times. In the theater. With other people.
Then, not long afterwards, a friend's family became the first people I knew with a VCR. He only owned one tape, which we watched incessantly. Care to take a guess what it was?
But please, let's not overlook the magnificent contribution of the fake doctor in Burt Reynolds' fake ambulance. If there was ever an actor who more richly deserved an Oscar, if not the Nobel Peace Prize, I don't know who it is.
A Right-Thinking American - Jun 17, 2004 - 1:43 PMI'm throwing in my 2 cents behind the younger furdell here. Mainly because the youngest in the family are certainly right by default. Andrew also makes more valid points here. This is indeed one Fucking Awesomest Movie. I would argue the of all time, but I can let that slide for now.
Nothing with Segal and Ja Rule can be good. It's a law. Been tested several times in court, but always NO. 2 sucks does not make a non-suck, but actually just turns into one giant suck.
Pup - Jun 17, 2004 - 2:57 PMWhen watching Blow Up, I hated it all the way through until I got to the very end and realized all the filler was intentional. Filler is the whole point of the movie! Genius I say! (no really it's awesome)
Huha - Jun 17, 2004 - 7:55 PMDammit, I really thought Pup would be on my side with that whole Chinese-as-Japanese thing. Oh well, gives me an excuse to confuse Thailand and Taiwan.
James F - Jun 18, 2004 - 1:15 AMI don't like Jackie Chan, so calling him a Jap is probably the best thing one can do. Sell out MF. Good work to Cannonball run for seeing Jackie as the ass he will eventually become. I feel bad about Michael Hui though, he's awesome.
Cultural note: Most Thai are Chinese or at least has some ancestory that are Chinese. So no biggy there. You want to insult Taiwanese people? Call them Korean. They'll fucking slit your throat.
This concludes the Racial harassment lesson of the day :)
Pup - Jun 18, 2004 - 9:34 AMi know this is late and the dicussion may be over but really, CAPTIAN CHAOS RULES
and what more is there to say besides "That Gol-damn som-bitch" (i know it is not from cannonball)
matt B - Jun 21, 2004 - 11:43 AM