Two recent events led me to this blog. The first is that, much to James' delight, we recently had the Hallmark channel added to our cable lineup. This channel offers a steady diet of shows like M*A*S*H, Perry Mason, Matlock, and of course period family dramas like The Waltons. The second event is that James and I watched a French & Saunders spoof of the show Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman, which I thought was hilarious despite never having seen an episode. The Hallmark channel shows Dr. Quinn every weekday, so I decided to check it out, hoping it would make the French & Saunders thing even funnier. The episode I caught was about a faith healer who makes people believe they don't need the real doctor. I thought, "This sure was a lot better when it was called Little House on the Prairie."
I've seen every episode of Little House so often that I can identify each episode within 30 seconds. I also have a fairly comprehensive knowledge of The Waltons, which James often pretends to confuse with Little House just to piss me off. It pains me to admit this, but he has a point. I thought about these two shows, and did some research on Dr. Quinn and Bonanza, and it seems all the writers were working from identical lists entitled, "Things That We're Pretty Sure Happened to People in the Olden Days." So here are the fruits of my labor, a list of episodes that every period family drama must have. Enjoy.
Why can't they learn? Mine shafts and old wells.
By far the most ubiquitous episode is the one in which someone falls down an old well or gets trapped in a mine cave-in. It's so important, in fact, that Bonanza had three such episodes: a cave-in when someone is digging a well, a mine cave-in that trapped some folks in a basement (I'm skeptical of the logistics of that one), and a kid falling into an old mine shaft. Both The Waltons and Dr. Quinn had mine cave-ins, and Little House had a both a cave-in episode, in which Pa gets trapped after the ceiling of a railway tunnel he is dynamiting falls in, and a well/mine hybrid episode in which Carrie falls down what is first thought to be an old well and turns out to be a mine shaft. Brilliant.
Drugs are bad.
Even in the old west or on the prairie you gotta look out for those crazed drug addicts. They'll kill you! On Bonanza, the doctor is addicted to morphine and some kid dies while under his care. On Dr. Quinn, a Civil War vet who is addicted to morphine breaks into the Dr.'s clinic and almost shoots her children, who aren't really her children, but don't worry about that. Walnut Grove is such a dangerous place that they had not one but two morphine addicts: Albert, of course, who fell in with a bad crowd in the city and developed a drug habit; and the dad from Empty Nest, who came to town to teach music and wound up dead from his excesses. I particularly liked this note on the Little House episode guide: "A must see episode for anyone thinking about using drugs, as they will quickly see what negatives they could face." And lest I forget, there's also an episode of The Waltons in which Mary Ellen, stressed out from studying for her nursing exams and raising her son, turns to amphetamines and goes all bitchcakes on her family. It's not Jessie Spano-level hysteria, but I'm sure that's only because The Pointer Sisters didn't get around to recording "I'm So Excited" in time for the Great Depression.
Faith healers: Evil, or just married to Johnny Cash?
The faith healers on Bonanza and Little House are blackguards and phonies, fakes who know they're fakes. Another great entry from the Little House episode guide describes the faith healer episode as: "A story of deception, lies, greed and false hope (which ends in death before a charlatan is exposed)." Hee, "charlatan." Dr. Quinn, however, is a completely different story. The faith healer is played by June Carter Cash, and she and Dr. Quinn eye each other suspiciously for about three-quarters of the episode. (I'm not sure Mrs. Cash wasn't right. I mean, I wouldn't want a Bond girl in charge of treating my consumption.) But then, at the end, they decide that both faith and science are needed for healing, and there is harmony that echoes through the land. It's the voice of hope, it's the voice of peace, it's the voice of every man.
I think that's going to do it. There are plenty more I could talk about, like the one where the mean teacher abuses the kids, or where the young couple runs off to the justice of the peace to get married but their parents arrive just in time, or the one where the little hairy dude has to destroy some jewelry and stop the dark lord. But, well, I'm kind of tired now, so feel free to comment and add your own episodes to the list. And in conclusion, I watch too damn much television.
I know nothing about any of these shows. But if you had told me 10 years ago that Kimberly would use the words "piss me off" and "too damn much television," I would have laughed for a long time.
Swear I posted my latest before reading this. But it makes my point well. You guys know your shit about tv and movies. I never watched any of those shows either, but I feel like I have. Can't help but be reminded (by the mine shaft discussion) of the episode of Good Times where Janet Jackson falls down the elevator shaft. Or somebody does. The lesson there: when in the Ghetto, take the stairs.
Matlock!! We want Matlock...
I'm cold.. and there're wolves after me...
I've actually visited the set of Bonanza on the Ponderosa Ranch in Lake Tahoe. They keep it open to the public. For an extra fee you can go on a hay ride, and I think there's also a pancake breakfast. If you ever happen to be in Lake Tahoe, I'd highly recommend it.