With God as my witness, I WILL DESTROY THE 2WENTY

I, occasionally, go to the movies.

[Pause, wait for gasps to die down.]

Yes, it's true. There are three theaters I frequent the most: Landmark's E Street Cinema in D.C., which I suppose broke off from the Bruce Springsteen Multiplex; AMC's Courthouse Plaza in Arlington, starring their kick-ass mascot Filmguy (who apparently also goes by the aliases Flick, Clip and "Clippy"); and Regal Cinema's Ballston Mall multiplex.

The latter is a dump. Ballston gets most of the bigger blockbuster movies, rather than the superior Courthouse Plaza, so we often wind up driving there against our will. It pretty much encompasses everything bad about going to the movies; sticky floors, no student discounts, and broke-ass, circa-1995 arcade games in the lobby (e.g. Marvel Super Heroes, but not all the buttons work... that should be a capital offense).

But the final insult was hurled about a year ago when Regal Cinemas unveiled its brand-new, exciting pre-show entertainment:

THE 2WENTY.

Yes, it's spelled "2wenty," presumably in an effort to be rad to the max, d00d. Thus, I pronounce it "The Twooo-wenty."

So what is THE 2WENTY? In one phrase, the best way to describe would be to say, "It's a twooowenty-minute commercial." But that, in itself, does not convey the utter evil of the operation; after all, advertisements before movies have become commonplace, and yet until now haven't instilled in me the URGE TO HUNT DOWN AND KILL EVERYONE RESPONSIBLE, AND THEIR FAMILIES.

If Regal wants to set up its crappy-ass Christie digital projectors and show me amateurish advermentaries about the making of some shitty new mini-series on TNT that I won't want to miss, starring, I don't know, Wendie Jo Sperber as an intrepid biological terrorism expert, and Treat Williams as, uh, himself, I guess, then fine. Making me watch three of these promotional features crosses the line a little bit, but at least I can ignore without feeling I've been somehow personally insulted.

But what's reprehensible about THE 2WENTY is the way it's presented: as an entertainment program that I should WANT to see. When it starts up, you get a title card, and an announcer saying, "Welcome to THE 2WENTY!" (He doesn't pronounce it right.)

"Here are the advertisements you'll have to sit through:

[advertisement 1]
[advertisement 2]
[advertisement 3]"

Then they'll start them up. Each one lasts five or six minutes. Generally, they'll include fakish "making of" a series on TNT, or interviews of stars of the latest NBC sitcom debacle, or maybe canned interviews with stars appearing in upcoming movies or DVDs.

After they finish one of these programs, THEY BREAK FOR A FUCKING COMMERCIAL. God, I wish I was kidding. What the fuck?!? Are they actually trying to pretend that, in order to afford showing us 20 minutes of advertising, THEY HAD TO SELL EXTRA ADVERTISING IN BETWEEN?

Worst of all comes at the end of the programming, but before they've finished showing us advertisements that break up the programming (they're not quite ready to show us any actual movies yet). The cheesy announcer tells us:

"You've just seen THE 2WENTY! If you missed part of THE 2WENTY, come early to the theater next time to catch all of it."

"THE 2WENTY is entertainment ignited."

THERE! Right there. Did you catch that last bit? The 2wenty is ENTERTAINMENT IGNITED. They present this 20-minute advertising... thing, which is broken up by futher advertising, as if it itself were somehow entertaining, and not a complete waste of time and money seemingly designed solely to incur my wrath.

The concept they're pushing, of the advertising program that they try to make me think is worth my time, is reinforced by the existence of The Official THE 2WENTY Website, where you can learn all about the exiting advertising programs they have in store for you next time you decide you really, really want to go out to the theater specifically to see THE 2WENTY. Fuck, I may just buy a ticket and walk out after THE 2WENTY ends. Bitch.

And yet, Regal Entertainment continues to try to delude us into thinking this is what people want to see:

The 2wenty is a larger-than-life pre-show adding unique and special entertainment to the REG movie-going experience
The 2wenty is quality entertainment supplied by our four content partners:
[some kickass corporations]

We are digitizing 4,801 screens in 437 theatres (top 69 markets), to be completed by February 2004. By creating the ONLY national Digital Content Network, Regal CineMedia is revolutionizing in-cinema advertising through:
? Production Savings ? No cost for transfer to film in top 69 digital markets
? Flexibility ? Can add tags, split creative by rating, schedule multiple spots in one flight
? Enhanced Proof of Performance ? Will be able to monitor advertising in flight and adjust accordingly

Bleh. This re-defines the phrase "ad creep."

Meanwhile, all this might be forgivable if it resulted in, say, lower ticket prices, lower concession stand prices, non-sticky floors, a Marvel Super Heroes game that's fully-functional, etc. But instead, it's clearly pure gravy for Regal, which probably doesn't make a lot of money off ticket prices, but can make a bundle by force-feeding its customers this tripe and calling it "entertainment."

So, in conclusion: I'm calling out the people responsible for this atrocity!

YOU WILL BOW DOWN BEFORE ME, THE 2WENTY! You, and then, one day after that, a little later on... YOUR HEIRS!!!!

I'm James Furdell, and I approved this message of unbridled anger.