Bad luck and valuable lessons

Vegas was fun, and there was no terrorism, unless you count all those blackjack dealers who kept pulling out a 21 from a 5 up-card. And also:

- Our friend Mr. Big Pinzur couldn't escape Miami because of the hurricane.
- The flight Kimberly and I were on was delayed due to a Vegas visit by President Retardo-brain. I mean Bush. President Bush.
- Four of us went to a hike, and on the way back got caught in a very cold hailstorm.

So yeah, scheduling a Vegas trip over the Friday-the-13th weekend was maybe not the best idea. But still, we had a lot of fun, and learned some valuable lessons.

1) Pai gow poker is the nuts.

As I predicted, pai gow poker was a big hit with our entourage. Unlike blackjack and craps, which would sap our money away at an accelerated rate, pai gow poker was a much, muuuuch sloooooowwwwer way to lose money. Even at a $10 table, you can stay halfway to forever under normal circumstances. Seemingly three out of four hands resulted in a push, and even with only two or three people at a table, each game takes at least two or three minutes to deal and pay out. And that means much, much more time to down tons of free drinks. What a steal.

Pai gow has the added fun of letting you play as the banker, and potentially taking money from your friends (or maybe giving yours to them). Andrew did this sucessfully a few times against us, and it made for some of the most fun trash talking sessions you could possibly have in a casino. "Ace-queen no good, beeyotch!"

The downside: although it's a fairly easy game to learn, that didn't prevent me from screwing up a couple of times and incurring the mockery of my brother. (Even though I did help him play a straight correctly once. What an ass!)

P.S. Everything was "the nuts" on this trip. Normally this a phrase used to describe the best possible hand in hold'em poker, but also how we would describe anything cool. E.g. "This buffet is the nuts." This was occasionally followed by a "boi-oi-oING!" sound effect, to mimic the ESPN poker coverage, using a goofy announcer voice. ("On this edition of 'The Nuts...' [boi-oi-OING!]")

2) Regular poker players can be the most miserable people on earth.

Andrew and I played at the Orleans on Sunday night, because he wanted to get in an Omaha Hi-Lo game. I stayed at a stud table, and played against four crazy characters for several hours just for the hell of it.

The craziest was an old guy who had to be nearing 90 years old. I learned that he was a regular at the Orleans poker room, and apparently a jeweler (he wore a giant, apparently self-fashioned ring filled with tiny diamonds). He kept getting into arguments with people about the strangest things and making cryptic threats... e.g., "Don't mess with me, you know what you're going to get." (What could you possibly do, old man, smear me with Icy Hot?)

At one point, I must have gotten on his bad side. I would bet into him aggressively at times with nothing to see if I could get him to fold, which aggravated the old jeweler as he tried for his flush draws. He called me "meshuggeneh," which I'm going to assume is bad.

Later, he complained that the dealer was taking the casino's rake out of the pot too early, which didn't make a whole lot of sense. The dealer was doing it correctly, as the jeweler's own nephew (also at the table), himself a poker dealer, pointed out to him.

Even later, there are three of us in the pot, including the jeweler to my left. On fifth street, the man to my right (wearing a "retired and proud of it" trucker hat) bet $3, and I raised to $6 with a pair of kings. The jeweler called, and the retiree re-raised to $9. I expected a better hand in there than mine, so I folded. The jeweler called all the way, and wound up losing to three-of-a-kind eights. But the best part was, he blamed me for his loss. I couldn't help but crack up at that.

"But I folded!" I said while laughing. "Nobody forced you to call his raise!" Still, he somehow blamed me for costing him the hand. Priceless.

Play continued late into the night. No fewer than three consecutive dealers, when their turn to deal was over, left the table muttering an exasperated "Aye aye aye" at having to deal with the jeweler (in exactly the same tone, which cracked me up some more). I was laughing more and more at the jeweler, and he got more belligerent the more he lost. "I know exactly how you're going to play!" he insisted in a thick Eastern European accent. "I just have to follow the cards! I know exactly what you have!" he said as he called my bet on a four-flush that would be successfully filled. Whatever that meant, it was hilarious. The retiree kept mimicking that fateful line... "Follow the cards."

The jeweler lost the $60 in front of him. Then bought in for another $40. Then lost that. Then bought in for another $60, and almost lost all of that before coming back. My stack stayed roughly the same, and the $15 or so I wound up losing over four hours could probably be attributed to tips and the rake. But that's got the be the best $15 on entertainment I've gotten in a while.

3) Yesterday's pop stars become today's fodder material for musicals.

There's Mamma Mia with the music of Abba. We Will Rock You featuring Queen. There's the Billy Joel-inspired Movin' Out and the forthcoming Wham! musical.

In news from 20 years from now, the White Stripes musical Goin' to Wichita! opened to rave reviews at the Wynn casino.

4) Andrew makes hilarious original song lyrics.

While riding up an escalator, he gave us this to the tune of "Love in an Elevator" by Aerosmith:

Love on an es-ca-la-torrrr! Really kind of awkward, because everyone can see...

That's the nuts.

5) Andrew should not shoot automatic weapons.

Read about his and Liaps' hilarious exploits at The Gun Store. Apparently the recoil got the best of Andrew, and he managed to virtually destroy the target range with the M-16. He may still be in hiding.

Until next time... I'm Dr. Vegas.