Anatomy of a countdown: February 16, 1991

I had so much fun doing this last time, I figured I'd do another one.

I had my doubts about this countdown when it arrived in the mail, since it's hosted by the mediocre Shadoe Stevens, and is from that no-man's land of pop music known as the early '90s (just ask Andrew, who listened to an awful Casey's Top 40 from early 1990 with me on an Atlantic City road trip).

But this one's actually a perfect representation of my new pop music theorem, which I will soon be trademarking: the James Furdell 18-Year Nostalgia Theorem. In the 1982 countdown, we witnessed a bizarre fascination with the music of 1964; thus, if the Theorem holds, this countdown should be obsessed with the music of 1973-ish.

This countdown also should answer the question, "Why did Nirvana become so popular?" once and for all. Andrew's earlier tangent stating that rock and roll is dead isn't really accurate; rock just goes through different phases every few years, and whether you like the current phase is pretty much a matter of taste. For example, one of Andrew' favorite bands, ELO, was definitely a part of that "early-'60s throwback" cadre of bands from the early '80s. Nothing wrong with that, but certainly nothing original. Right now we're kind of on the tail-end of a "pop-punk" phase (think Blink-182 and Good Charlotte), with hopefully the next big thing coming soon.

But back to 1991. When you see in this countdown which rock bands were popular in the months before Kurt Cobain ushered in the grunge era at the very end of 1991, you will understand why a not-all-that-great grunge band was able to take the rock world by storm.

Let's start the countdown!

#40 Madonna - Justify My Love

I will, always and forever, think of the SNL "Wayne's World" sketch with Madonna when I hear this song. The song itself? Not so good. But it hit #1 anyway (here it's on its way down).

#39 Slaughter - Spend My Life

Building a case for We Need Nirvana: Exhibit A. This song is awful.

Fun Slaughter fact: the band's guitarist and manager were arrested in 1993 on charges of conspiring to ship cocaine from California to other parts of the U.S. Rock on!

#38 Londonbeat - I've Been Thinking About You

I kind of liked this one at the time, and it actually holds up pretty well. Reminds me of Fine Young Cannibals a bit.

#37 Bette Midler - From A Distance

Ugh. Here's a good poll question. Death is not an option: this, or "Wind Beneath My Wings?"

I said death was not an option.

#36 Father MC - I'll Do 4 U

What, you don't remember Father MC? No? Nothing?

This is a fairly pedestrian rap song that "samples" (which, as Shadoe explains to us, is borrowing music from another song) Cheryl Lynn's "Got To Be Real," which was a hit in... 1979. Almost works with my Theorem, but not quite.

#35 George Michael - Waiting For That Day

I'm the only person in America who liked the Listen Without Prejudice Vol. 1 album. Lot of downers on that album, such as "Praying For Time," but this one's a little more upbeat.

The album wasn't popular with the studio. I have a feeling there's not going to be a Vol. 2?

#34 Tony! Toni! Tone! - It Never Rains in Southern California

Not as big a hit as "Feels Good," but a better song. I think it's the only slow R&B song from this countdown that I like.

#33 Tevin Campbell - Round and Round

From the Graffiti Bridge soundtrack! I may have owned it, without ever having any intention of seeing the movie.

I made the right choice.

#32 Tara Kemp - Hold You Tight

Just wanna hold you tight. All day, all night. I remember this one, but I'm sure no-one else does.

#31 Tesla - Signs

This song was originally a hit in 1971. The Theorem strikes again!

#30 Alias - Waiting For Love

We Need Nirvana: Exhibit B.

#29 Will To Power - I'm Not In Love

Theorem's off by a couple years again. This was originally a hit in 1975 for 10cc. (I like the Olive version from 2000.)

#28 Urban Dance Squad - Deeper Shade of Soul

UDS was a rap/rock collective based in Amsterdam. Ahead of its time, perhaps?

#27 Another Bad Creation - Iesha

Oh man, this song CRACKS ME UP. ABC was a pre-teen quintet from Atlanta managed and produced by one of the Bel Biv Devoe guys (that would be Biv, to be precise). This is the #2 hit off the group's first album, which, of course, is the classic Coolin' at the Playground Ya' Know! I must reproduce at least part of the lyrics:

[spoken]
Yo, Red, where`d you meet her?

[sung by the group]
At the playyyyy-grounnnnnnd!
[solo]
That`s where I saw this cutie
This girl was swinging
And she looked so fly.

On the monkey barrrrrrrrrrs!
We climbed up to the top and
She touched my hand.
That`s when I fell in love.

The song goes on to describe how, on their first date, they "played Nintennnn-doooooooo!" and ate cereal. Hilarious. A national treasure.

#26 Gloria Estefan - Coming Out of the Dark

Yeah, she's back from her car/bus/whatever accident.

#25 Oleta Adams - Get Here

Cheesy Rhymes Theater:

You can reach me by caravan
Cross the desert like an Arab man
I don`t care how you get here
Just get here if you can

#24 Cathy Dennis - Just Another Dream

Wow, I don't even remember her, but she had three Top 10 hits. Including this one. Another artist lost in the pop music ether.

#23 AC/DC - Money Talks

What? Yes, none other than AC/DC is in a 1991 countdown. This just about fulfills the 18-Year Theorem, and also serves as We Need Nirvana Exhibit C.

#22 Traci Spencer - This House

This house! Is our house! Let's do it for the people!
You... me... ....we can make a difference!

Yes, these are actual lyrics from this song. It may sound like it came from an episode of Kids Incorporated, but it didn't.

#21 Bad Company - If You Needed Somebody

Bad Company making a comeback? Ugh. Once again: it's 1973 all over again, and once again, We Desperately Need Nirvana, Exhibit D.

#20 Damn Yankees - High Enough

Oh man. Do We Ever Need Nirvana. Exhibit E.

Actually, this is a pretty good song, and a staple on my Power Ballads mix CD. But man, does it ever exemplify the cheesy hair-bandedness of the period.

#19 After 7 - Heat of the Moment

After 7 had two Number 1 hits. And you forgot all about them.

How could you do that?

How could you do that to After 7?

#18 Sting - All This Time

Was Sting lame, already, by this point?

Well, at least he wasn't doing car commercials yet. Guh.

#17 Styx - Show Me the Way

STYX?! Styx is in the countdown? Once again, it's 1973. And once again, We Really, Really Need Nirvana. This would be Exhibit F.

Amusingly, this version of this song on my countdown CD is the "Desert Shield Re-Mix," put together by a Knoxville DJ, and featuring sound bites from various news stories and President Bush the Elder. Jingoism never dies, especially where Saddam is concerned.

#16 Nelson - After the Rain

Nirvana, Please Come-A-Calling. Exhibit G.

#15 L.L. Cool J - Around the Way Girl

As Shadoe points out, the "L.L." stands for "Ladies Love Cool James". Which I feel also applies to me. And hey, he's still hanging around the charts today, after first charting in 1987. Not too many rappers can say that. Good flow to the lyrics, too:

I want a girl with extensions in her hair
Bamboo earrings, at least two pair
A Fendi bag and a bad attitude
That's all I need to get me in a good mood.
She can walk with her switch and talk with street slang
I love when I woman ain't afraid to do her thang
Standin at the bus stop, suckin' on a lollipop
When she gets pumpin, it's hard to make the hotty stop.
She likes to dance to the rap jam.
She's sweet as brown sugar with candied yams
Honey-coated complexion.
Music camay.
Lets hear it for the girl.
Shes from around the way.

#14 Ralph Tresvant - Sensitivity

Some of these slow, awful R&B jams are a portent to the dynastic, much-rued a capella reign of Boyz II Men.

#13 Pebbles - Love Makes Things Happen

I hope that, back then, a lot of people asked her where Bam-Bam was.

#12 Warrant - I Saw Red

Warrant gets to be Nirvana Please Come Quickly Exhibit H, despite filling the back end of my power ballads mix CD with this song.

#11 Chris Isaak - Wicked Game

Mmmm. Yes, I'm thinking about the video for this song. But it's a good song in its own right, too, and not just for bringing images of near-naked Helena Christensen into our living rooms.

#10 Janet Jackson - Love Would Never Do Without You

All her songs from 1990-91 sound the same. Scientific fact.

#9 Vanilla Ice - Play That Funky Music

I've addressed this before, as this is clearly one of the worst songs of all time.

Amusingly, the countdown disc features Shadoe interviewing the lead guy from Wild Cherry who did the song originally in 1976 (Theorem's a few years off). He talks about how he found out about the song when they started playing it on the radio, and called a record store to find out if he was given credit as the original writer. He was not, and thus he promptly contacted his lawyer to seek legal action against Vanilla. Absolutely hilarious.

#8 INXS - Disappear

This is a great, great song. One of my favorite by INXS. Maybe we don't need Nirvana after all?

No, we still do.

#7 Keith Sweat - I'll Give All My Love To You

Another awful, indistinguishable early-'90s R&B ballad.

#6 Celine Dion - Where Does My Heart Beat Now

I believe that would be Caesar's Palace in Las Vegas.

#5 Mariah Carey - Someday

This was from Mariah's debut album, which I actually really liked, and listened to until the cassette fell apart. (That's right, I just admitted that to the entire Internet. I'm an idiot.)

I still think that was a great first album, but she didn't develop at all as a singer after that, and the lyrics she had to work with were unfailingly saccharine and elementary. Almost everything after that first album was crap, culminating in her awful "star" turn in Glitter, where she perfected the "Look at the ground" acting technique.

But that's a story for another time.

A sad, sad story.

#4 Surface - The First Time

You don't remember Surface? Me neither. But they actually hit Number 1 with this piece of crap ballad.

#3 Timmy T - One More Try

As the numbers get lower, the hits get... more obscure and forgettable.

#2 Whitney Houston - All The Man That I Need

Will she ever live down saying this on Primetime Live?

Crack is cheap. I make too much money to ever smoke crack. Let's get that straight. Okay? We don't do crack. We don't do that. Crack is whack.

Gods of hiliarity willing, no she will not.

#1 C&C Music Factory - Gonna Make You Sweat

Just as #40 reminds me of "Wayne's World," #1 will now always remind me of the Simpsons episode where Homer and Bart visit a gay steel factory, where they dance to this song.

And that's the countdown. As you can see, rock music was incredibly stagnant at the time. We needed Nirvana like Mars needs women.

I remember the first time I heard Nirvana. I was in the high school band, and while we were goofing off before winter break, a drummer played the Nevermind CD in the band room stereo. It sounded alive and fresh... like a jolt of musical caffeine. In retrospect, it might sound a little played and lackluster. But, looking at this 1991 countdown, I think it's pretty obvious why Kurt and his gang burned up the airwaves and my CD player in '92. Nirvana was definitely in the right place at the right time, but I'm thankful they did come along to signal the death knell of bands like Nelson and Warrant. (And, for that matter, Slaughter and Alias.)

Until next time, keep your feet on the floor, and keep reaching for the crack.

James - 4:12 PM