Drunken Thoughts that Should Not Be Shared, Part II: Don't Even Ask

So I was reading this article from Slate -- oh, by the way, I'm sure you've figured this out from my last couple of entry titles, but I've had a few too many tonight. As you can see, drinking improves my grammar and spelling, as well as my dart scores oddly enough.

So anyway, the article is about statements Kerry has made leading up to the first debates...statements that suggest the president is -- gasp! -- functionally retarded. Yeah, that's not exactly going to make the front page.

This got me thinking about just how much the current presidential election -- like all things in life -- can be compared to that greatest of Rocky movies, Rocky III. Yes, I know I've written about Rocky more than once, but hear me out...this time it's relevant, I swear!

See, in one corner you have Bush -- who represents Rocky in this analogy, by the way. In the previous film, he pulled off an unlikely defeat against reigning champion Al Gore, and now Bush is the title defender. But Bush is starting to go soft. Suddenly this John Kerry guy -- played in the movie by Mr. T -- shows up and starts talking smack.

REPORTER
What do you think of the President's chances in the upcoming debate?

KERRY
Actually, I pity the fool.

REPORTER
What's your prediction?

KERRY
My prediction? Pain.

Seeing as how my analogy is perfect and flawless and absolutely insurmountably correct in all ways, I offer the following Election Prophecy.

1. In November, Kerry will defeat Bush.

2. Al Gore will approach Bush and offer to train him for the 2008 rematch -- in exchange for an unnamed favor. Bush will accept.

3. Gore will help Bush regain his Eye of the Tiger.

4. Bush, wearing Gore's underwear, will regain the presidency in 2008.

5. As payback for the training and the Tiger Eye stuff, Bush will be forced to sit down with Gore and perform a manual recount of Florida votes from the 2000 election.

GORE
Now, when you beat me, you beat me by five hundred thirty-seven... FIVE HUNDRED THIRTY-SEVEN... votes. Now do you know what something like that does to a man of my intelligence?

BUSH
I thought you said you got over it.

GORE
I lied.