A while back, when I was writing about Action Jackson, I promised I would write about the Most Mediocre Movie Ever. And here it is...
It's Leviathan.
Leviathan.
Thank you.
[...]
Oh, I suppose you wanted me to write some long essay explaining my choice. Well, I'll see what I can do on short notice.
Leviathan, the 1989 underwater sci-fi thriller, is the perfect candidate for MMM, because it combines equal elements of good and bad in almost every way.
First of all, plotwise, it's about as simply high-concept as you can get. I wasn't at the pitch meeting, but I know how it was pitched: "It's Aliens, but underwater." And this was during one of those weird periods in Hollywood where everybody feels the need to make the same movie: two other underwater sci-fi thrillers, DeepStar Six and James Cameron's The Abyss came out the same year. So, automatically, it gets a downgrade for trying to rip off James Cameron twice.
On the other hand, the mechanism for creating the alien-in-a-sub scenario is actually pretty cool... and there are SPOILERS here, because I assume this movie is not in your Netflix queue and never will be. Basically, our heroes salvage some vodka from a mysteriously sunken Russian sub. Some of our heroes succumb to ugly, squishy genetic mutation after drinking the vodka, which, unbeknownst to them, is laced with a creepty mutagenic... um... formula? I guess? The remaining heroes battle for survival against the resulting giant merged sea monster. Pretty cool way of creating the monster, so upgrade.
As far as the cast goes, it's a see-saw battle. Our main hero is Peter Weller, who became famous playing RoboCop. Unfortunately, the reason he was so good at playing a robot is because he is completely incapable of showing human emotion; this, it turns out, it not a good quality for an actor to exhibit. Downgrade.
But there's good news: Amanda Pays!
You know, Amanda Pays? British lady? No, doesn't ring a bell?
Well, Andrew and I know her well; she was the helpful British lady scientist sidekick in both the Flash and Max Headroom TV series. Nobody can show "quiet British indignation" like Amanda. "Bar-ry, your me-ta-bo-lism can't handle this kind of stress!" Upgrade. Then, there's Richard Crenna. If Richard Crenna's in your movie, you better remember to bring one thing: a good supply of body bags. Which, techincally, is more than one thing, because we're talking about multiple body bags. Downgrade for bad grammar.
Amusingly, at one point in the movie, Crenna gives Pays a crucial medical checkup:
"Um, yeah. I need to, um... examine your shoulder there. So, um... strip down to your undies." Smooth, Richard Crenna.
Also in the movie: the black Ghostbuster himself, Ernie Hudson! Upgrade! But tragically, just when you think Ernie has safely made it to the surface, the monster takes a big bite out of him. I really thought I'd finally seen one of these sci-fi/horror/action movies where the black character actually survives, and just then they have to go and off him. Brutal. Downgrade.
Rounding out the mediocre cast: Hector Elizando (Princess Diaries 2: Princess Diariesier) and Daniel Stern (Daniel Stern Gets Whacked in the Nuts by Some Kid III).
Hmm, what else? Well, the effects are mediocre... the monster looks cool, but its movements aren't exactly convincing. It was directed by the same guy who directed Rambo: First Blood Part II. It averages exactly a 5.0 rating on IMdB (at press time). And here's a sample dialogue grab:
DeJesus: Hey, I know about implosions.
Sixpack: Yeah, I bet you do. I bet you were imploding in your pants.
Yeah. In conclusion: it's the most mediocre movie ever. So go run out and buy it for $2.99 on used VHS right now.