Apparently, ABC's running a sappy Hallmark movie this Sunday called Mitch Albom's The Five People You Meet In Heaven. (Nice that they got a celebrity endorsement for it.) Jon Voight looks senile and confused standing next to an inexplicably blue Jeff Daniels:
Um, yeah. What I need is a way to anti-watch this. I don't mean just the opposite of watching something, which is to not watch it. I need, like, the super-opposite of watching it. For example: if you watch half of a movie, you've seen 50%. If you don't watch it, you've seen 0%. I need a way to watch a negative percentage of this movie, if possible. I must break the 0%-watched barrier. If there are any quantum physicists out there who can help me with this, please contact me immediately.
You'd have to un-watch it without watching it in the first place. That won't be easy.
I can suggest a physically possible way: you're going to have to isolate the brain cells that remember anything about this show, and destroy them, thus rendering you completely ignorant that the show exists in the first place. If Dr. Polaski could do it, you can, by gum! Stupid Dr. Polaski. Always being mean to Data.
Tape it while watching something else. Meticulously unwind the magnetic tape from the cassette. With a very sharp Xacto-knife, cut the tape in half horizontally. Burn one half (damn the toxic smoke). Weave the other half into the middle of a roll of Charmin Ultra. Do what comes naturally.
Are you just mad because ABC might pre-empt "Desperate Housewives" for this schlock? Because there's plenty of other treacle on all the networks every night. Anyway, you can deduct from this particular sappiness by refusing to watch the previews and ads for it. When they come on, just zap away to the Food Network where you'll get authentic treacle.
That had better not have been a pun, mother. You know that's the lowest form of humor.
Anyway, boycotting the ads does nothing. (He'd still be watching the ad-supported show.)
Upon reading a description of the movie, I have determined that its geometrical opposite is "Bedazzled," in which Dudley Moore befriends a chummy Satan and meets physical manifestations of the seven sins.
Well, I've already seen Bedazzled. Err, but I saw the crappy Brendan Fraser version, not the Dudley Moore one. Hmm.
Yeah, oddly enough there is a difference, you uncultured buffoon!
Hey, Smarch is in the lead! YAY
The Brendan Fraser version is not the crappy version. It's got Elizabeth Hurly in fun outfits. I'll be damned if that doesn't beat the other version.
Also, I picked it up for $4.99 the other day. It must be good.
BTW, 'Lost' is the best show on public TV right now.
By public TV I mean the 7 that I get. Yes, that includes PAX AND UPN.
The quality of girlfriends has gone way downhill.
Funny, when I did the math I got The Pirates of Penzance with a remainder of Hi Hi Puffy Ami Yumi
Merely academic since it's running against Simpsons and Arrested Development.
Couldn't you just go and stop random strangers from watching it to decrease it below 0%?
Like, get the people who are in line for the movie and set them on fire... or you can just, like, I dunno, take their movie tickets. Whichever.
I pity you
record the movie. then invert the recording in time and space (like backwards and negative and made of positrons and posi-electrons). then watch the anti-movie. you're going to complain that this anti-movie is still wasting your time. it doesn't matter. if you ever watched the movie the two would mutually annihilate oneanother in your brain. therefore the action of watching the anti-movie is the same as the action of un-watchnig the movie.