With my eleven free movie passes, the theatre was my oyster. I could see any movie I wanted. There was just one problem: all movies suck. Well, that's not really the problem. It did trouble me that, of the two movies I was vaguely interested in, one was a sequel to a remake, and the other was the second sequel to an adaptation of a very lame comic book.
In the end, I opted to see the one that nobody else would see with me -- Blade: Trinity. Why it has "Trinity" in the title, I do not know. Assessment: Pretty good. I had very low expectations for Blade, being as it was based on a truly godawful comic book character with no popularity to speak of, but that movie turned out to be awesome. I then had raised exectations for Blade II, which was completely awful. So, my expectations were once again way, way low for the latest installment, which perhaps led to my liking it.
Unfortunately, you didn't see it with me. However, using technology and science, you can see it with me! Just print out the following handy guide to Things I Would Have Said in a Loud Voice During the Film, and read it to yourself during key scenes. It'll be like having me right there with you. Awesome!
* Oh, look at that -- I see Parker Posey will be playing herself again. Seriously, she's nuts. When I first saw the outtakes at the end of Josie and the Pussycats, I was pretty sure there would be one where she pulls out a knife and plunges it into Alan Cumming's heart again and again, while screaming something crazy like "I'm filling you with my stabs!!!"
* Wait a second, didn't Kris Kristofferson die in the first one? Oh, they brought him back for the second, right? How'd that work out again? No, don't tell me. I'm better off not remembering.
* How does framing Blade for murder work into the vampires' master plan at all? I'll tell you how: it doesn't. It's a complete time waster. I don't see why you need to set him up anyway -- he freely admits to having murdered almost 1,200 humans. He's not even shy about it! Plus, later in this movie, he's going to shoot a guy in the back, for no reason at all! Weird.
* Ah, Hannibal King. I read his debut issue, Tomb of Dracula #25, which was pretty great. It was a kind of classic noir private investigator story, except that the killer turned out to be a vampire. Then on the last page you find out the reason King, the P.I., wasn't too shocked about it: he's a vampire too! Neat.
In this movie, he's more of a wisecracking sidekick -- a Nick Miranda to Wesley Snipes's Simon Sez, if you will. Wait, that was a terrible analogy. Anyway, he's funny, and they give him all the best lines, which include some of the more vivid and imaginative profanity I've ever heard. My favorite scene evokes that scene in The Princess Bride where Westley is horribly injured, but he kind of peppers everything he says with insults to seem like he's a force to be reckoned with: "It's possible, pig, I might be bluffing. It's conceivable, you miserable, vomitous mass..." Now just replace "pig" with "cock-juggling thundercunt," and you have Hannibal King.
* Whoa, why is Hannibal watching Incubus -- the William Shatner movie that's in Esperanto? That's an obscure little reference if there ever was one, and I like it. We must never be allowed to forget that Shatner once starred in an all-Esperanto movie.
* This fight scene is fast, and confusing.
There you have it! Now we've seen the movie together. Let's go back to your place and totally do it!
I am distressed that none of your comments relate in any way to Jessica Biel's hotness. And just for that, I will NOT do it with you at my place.
I wasn't thrilled. Actually I went into the movie thinking it would be Jessica Alba and was completely disappointed. Also I was shocked to find that indy darling Natasha Lyonne had a semi-major role, which further overshadowed Ms. Biel.
Pretty good?
My ass pretty good. (both meanings in the ambiguity intended and accurate).
If My blog software were not total crap, I'd copy my trademark rambling review from BluePrint.