February 1, 2005

Who placed 14th in last year's Daytona 500? Let me consult my tasty potato crisp.

I love Pringles. They are crispy and delicious, and serve as a delectable vessel for inhalable not-found-in-nature flavors. What they also are good for conveying, apparently, are bits of NASCAR trivia, actually PRINTED ON THE CHIP. Brilliant.

In order to stay one step ahead of the marketing geniuses at Procter & Gamble, I would like to suggest the following product-placements that could also be used to make me a smarter, more informed consumer.

? Ivory soap and US, Weekly As you scrub, learn what Hollywood couple was caught having sex in the fitting rooms at Bloomingdale's!

? Luvs diapers and Murder Inc. How long did it take for Ashanti's debut album to go platinum? Why, the answer is right here, on my baby's bum!

? Bounce dryer sheets and DHS Each sheet contains one step in a set of instructions on how to make your own dirty bomb. Collect all 423! (Shoppers with Preferred Customer cards only, for easier government monitoring.)

? Tampax Tampons and Kraft Cheese Easy recipes for party snacks everyone will love. Perfect for the Big Game! (What "Big Game," you ask? Well, I'm not really allowed to say.)

I'm open to other suggestions. Perhaps nanites could be used to pass information to me through my Head & Shoulders?

Kimberly - 11:38 AM
Comments

Hmm. I just noticed James and I made the same joke without it having come up in conversation any time recently. That's, um ... I'm not sure what.

Kimberly F - Feb 1, 2005 - 12:55 PM

Actually, I copied off of you. Sorry.

James F - Feb 1, 2005 - 1:00 PM

OK, good. I was wondering what the hell was going on with leaving the Big Game as the Big Unmentionable.

Big Pinz - Feb 1, 2005 - 1:21 PM

1. Pringles are merely crispy.
2. I am at a loss to know what is printed on what in suggestion 4.

RM - Feb 1, 2005 - 2:57 PM

BTW, you get bonus points for using Britishisms "potato crisps" and "bum". And also "brilliant", as one word.

You now have 3 points.

James F - Feb 1, 2005 - 6:47 PM

That scoring could be challenged on a technicality: Berly's use of "crisps" could be a direct lift from the product can (which calls Pringles crisps, not chips) rather than a deliberate Britisherism.

That being said, I'm sure we can all agree that this will ultimately lead to binding legal snack foods: mortgages printed on Doritos, hostile takeovers detailed on Funyuns, torts on tarts.

Big Pinz - Feb 2, 2005 - 12:32 PM

Not to be nitpicky. . . but why wouldn't torts be on tortes? We have the technology. . .

kk - Feb 2, 2005 - 7:30 PM

You want some fuckin' tortes?

RM - Feb 2, 2005 - 9:30 PM

I'd rather have this hot fuckin' carmel thing that's fuckin'. . ., fukin'. . ., well, it's good.

kk - Feb 2, 2005 - 10:21 PM

What's up with people rooting for the Eagles?

Now, I'll be the first to admit that eagles are pretty patriotic. I mean, they're the national bird and all, which is great. But nothing is more patriotic than patriots themselves. Eagles are a symbol of patriots and patriots ARE patriots. Rooting for the Eagles would be like saluting a picture of a flag during the pledge of allegiance when a real flag is right there.

I guess what I'm saying is that if you don't root for the Patriots, you hate America. And probably baby Jesus.

kk - Feb 3, 2005 - 9:59 PM

Rooting for the Eagles would be like saluting a picture of a flag during the pledge of allegiance when a real flag is right there.

No, no. It's like saluting a flag during the pledge, when you could just salute America itself, which is all over the place.

Andrew F - Feb 3, 2005 - 11:06 PM

The Patriots celebrate anti-state terrorists.

RM - Feb 5, 2005 - 4:10 PM