Bad news: the basketball must have run long, and I only got the first 90 minutes or so of SBSA. I'll have to miss out on the surely wild and unpredictable climax.
But here's what I have anyway.
SPRING BREAK SHARK ATTAAAAAAAACK!
0:01 - Some women just got eaten. Time it took for the movie to rip off a camera shot from Jaws (specifically, the shark-POV "hey, there are some dangling legs to eat" shot): one minute.
0:03 - We're showing some girls talking on the phone. One of them says: "If [the rumors] were true, I'd line him up spread eagle and kick him square in hislutzsch." Yes, it sounds as weird as it looks. I think they tried at the last minute to expunge the word "nuts" from that sentence, maybe by playing it backwards or something. Thanks again, FCC.
0:04 - The executive producer is "J.J. Jamieson." Surely he's using the profits from this film to go after that awful Spider-Man.
0:05 - The party is rockin' at "Seagull Beach!" Somewhere around Miami. Oooh, and there's a guy reading the "Seagull Beach Sun" newspaper. I think that's the one Pinzur writes for.
0:07 - Which one is "The OC's Shannon Lucia?" I have no idea. Uh-oh, makeover montage scene! Here, try on this floppy hat while dance music plays on the soundtrack.
0:08 - First Jell-O wrestling shot of the film. Nice mise en scene there.
0:09 - Uh-oh, there's talk of losing one's virginity. Not a good thing to do in this kind of movie.
0:10 - "I'll meet you guys back here in a half." A half? As in, half an hour? I need to start using that. I'm too lazy to actually complete my sentences anymore.
0:11 - This guy couldn't be any more Australian. I think he might be the bad guy... he was fighting "the reef" at the local city council meeting. You have to watch out for those city-council guys. Oh, and here's "Shane," the poor man's James Van Der Beek. My college roommates used to watch Dawson's Creek all the time. And 7th Heaven. That was weird, guys.
0:13 - Uh-oh, the reef is going to cause an eco-disaster-something. They've messed with nature, according to marine biologist Charlie. But Charlie's professor tells him to forget it, and "get jiggy with it." This movie may have been sitting around in a vault for a while.
0:15 - It's high time some sharks started tearing the hell out of these pretty people. Where are those sharks? They're late, dammit.
0:16 - More awkward virginity talk. They're shoehorning it into the script to appeal to the FCC. "Not enough virgins in your movies last year, CBS!"
0:18 - Come on, movie. I was promised a Spring Break Shark Attack. You're showing me people dancing in a club. On land. Unless the sharks learned to walk... oh wait, I hope they did. Maybe they're genetically engineered to walk into a bar and order a Tanqueray and cranberry. That's what I would do if I were a walking shark.
0:20 - Maybe this is supposed to be extending the "guys as shark" metaphor first suggested by the dad in the first couple minutes. Uh-oh, slowwww song time! Side-to-side middle-school dance technique GO!
0:22 - OK, here we go. Boogie-boarding at night. Guy: "What happens in Spring Break stays in Spring Break!" Girl: "I thought that was Vegas." These people are begging to be eaten.
0:24 - Oh man, this is awful. The main whats-her-name girl is flirting with Shane, the local guy who "isn't into the Spring Break scene." We've been in a bookstore watching them get close for the last, what, hour?
0:25 - Finally, back to the boogie boarding buffet. "What was that? Something touched my leg!" "Yeah right! 'Glug glug glug'... real funny! Hey, come up now! Hey!" Aaaaand... CUE BLOOD SPRAY!!!111 UAAYEAHAHA sharks!
0:26 - "SPRING BREAK SHARK ATTACK! Sponsored by Imitrex." I love CBS.
0:31 - Danielle is the marine biologist's sister. He has a "shark pod" that generates electical pulses to keep sharks away. I doubt that will in any way figure into the story later.
0:38 - The girls put together a party, but too many people showed up uninvited and made it crazy. Does that only happen on TV? Anytime someone throws a party it gets out of control. I wish people would crash my parties. I wish I had parties.
0:40 - Somebody was using the camcorder to do Girls Gone Wild. But just as the subject is about to take off her top, he points the camera at his own face and laughs! You've got a lot to learn about your audience, dude. That is not good mise en scene.
0:42 - Danielle is about to get some Date Rape Drugs in her drink. (Is it Imitrex?) They really shouldn't sell those over the counter. And now she's all disoriented. Weren't expecting to "lose it" this way, were you Danielle?
0:49 - Wow, this movie may have been written by Mormons. So far there have been scant few shark attacks. It's more about the perils of Spring Break when you're trying to stay a virgin. Fortunately, the sweet guy who lives there and drives a boat and wants to save up for college to be an engineer, Shane, is helping her out.
0:52 - Dammit, there should have already been a full-scale shark attack, and the humans should have already retaliated with bazookas. Instead we get this "very special episode of My Two Dads" crap. Ugh, Danielle just called her dad because she's all scared. He didn't know she was in Florida. Perhaps... he will be eaten... by the sharks? I'm hopeful.
0:54 - Uh-oh, that guy who drugged Danielle is going after her. Somebody's goin' a date-rapin'. Unconscious chicks are indeed hot. Cue ominous music!
0:55 - Oops, Shane walked in. "What's up man, I was just... checkin' on her stuff." Ewww. "Checking on her stuff," indeed. You're one step away from necrophilia, buddy. Way to go.
0:57 - Danielle is confused but feeling better. "Do you think someone could have slipped you something?" "Like what?" Um, like penis?
0:58 - Australian guy is throwing bloody chunks of stuff into the water. Throw some more-uh, chum on the barbie! That will... teach them... to build that reef? God, Australians are so stupid.
0:59 - Boat trip time! "Going out on the water is going to be so much fun." But it's a gay cruise?!
1:00 - Danielle's dad found her. "You don't control me!" says Danielle. That showed him.
1:02 - Shane noticed some blood in the water. Get back in the boat! Be sure to splash around as much as possible as you do so!
1:04 - "Danielle, SHARKS!"
1:11 - Danielle made it back OK. Whew. But the sharks decided to eat the boat for some reason. Boats are tasty?
1:12 - The boat is falling apart, and everybody except Shane is panicking and freaking out. He's calmly fixing the boat and telling people what to do. I feel your pain, buddy.
1:15 - Uh-oh, Danielle found J.T.'s Date Rape Drugs. Which is also tonight's sponsor! Side effects include nausea, and being raped.
1:23 - The kids escaped to an island. Lord of the Flies sure to ensue. "Sucks to your ass-mar!"
1:24 - Sure enough, Shane is fighting J.T. "This is messed up, man."
1:26 - A dead eaten guy just washed ashore on Mystery Island. Ruh-oh! It was actually somewhat effective until they zoomed in on the poor latex job.
Yeah, I think that's all TiVo got. But here's all you need to know about the rest of the movie, as described by LiAps:
I don't wanna ruin it for you, but I recommend you pay particular attention at the end when the guy is trawling a chum-laden metal cage behind the boat and spends about 10 minutes yeling at the sharks, "You hungry, sharks? You want somethin ta eat? Come on - Come 'n get it, sharks! You hungry?" etc.
That sounds pretty hilarious. They were already stretching the plot pretty thin as it was, so I can imagine the filmmakers including every single take they filmed in order to pad it up to two hours.
Let's just say I'm not expecting to find too many deleted scenes on the DVD, coming out this never.
1. We had MULTIPLE parties in which guests vomited off the balcony - at least once to the detriment of a red Camaro's paint job. What the hell more do you want?
2. We watched Dawson's Creek almost entirely for Katie Holmes (you were the only one who had a girlfriend, dude) and Seventh Heaven entirely for the open mocking of its sin-repent-forgiveness plot paradigm. Lotta repenting in that household.
3. I only WISH I could work my way up to the Seagull Beach Sun.
Thank you James. I knew nobody could review it like you. Did I really misspell "yelling?" Frightening. I read another review online where the reviewer got a great kick out of the "South Florida Mountains" that they didn't even bother trying to edit out of the background.
And, to add to BP's comments:
1) You guys did have some decent parties (though nobody hosts a Freaknik like LiAps). I'll take an Akshay Special to go please.
2)7th Heaven had Jessica Biel as well. Enough reason to watch.
3)If BP wrote for the Sun, he'd have been all over the shark attack - death is his beat after all.
Ooh... I had blocked the Akshay Specials out of my memory. Thanks for ripping off that scab.