An Open Letter to the Cell Phone People

Dearest Cell Phone People,

It's bad enough that I have to sit through my friends and relatives telling me oh so insightfully to leave a message after the tone. But then I get this voice, this Gladys Stevens of Omaha Nebraska voice, telling me that I can stay on the freakin' line and wait like an idiot if I want to leave a message. You fools. My dumbass friend or relative just told me to leave a message after the beep. I get that. What does it even mean to leave a "call back number"? Doesn't everyone's cell phone tell them who called anyway?

I hate you hate you hate you. I suspect you had a hand in the 2wenty. And possibly other atrocities throughout history that will go unnamed. I have calculated that at least 2 hours of my life have been wasted listening to your inane female robot voice prattle on about my message-leaving options. That's two hours I could have spent watching Conan the Barbarian, which is an excellent movie with a really good soundtrack. I'm playing the score in my head right now.

Take that, cell phone people.

Yours in anger,
Andrew Furdell