Texas Can Suck Me

That's right, I'm driving to L.A. to take a class in 16mm filmmaking. Today I travelled around 730 miles and made it into Albequerquerque, where I'm staying at a Days Inn -- super-swanky compared to last night's Motel 6. Seriously. For $10 more, I get a king-sized bed and wireless internet, and complimentary shampoo!

Also, Albequerquerque is a lot cooler than Van Buren, Arkansas, home of the Motel 6. Actually New Mexico is pretty cool in general, even though it touches Texas (ewww!).

Speaking of America's Rectum, today I drove through the top, square-shaped part. Here's a recap of the three things I got pulled over for the last time I drove through Texas:

• Going 5 mph over the speed limit (no, really);
• Driving in the left lane, but not passing anybody -- because to pass them, I would have had to go more than 5 mph over the speed limit; and best of all,
• after driving from Atlanta to Montana and back again, apparently my license plate was dirty. And apparently you can get pulled over for that.

The guy only gave me a warning, but just for pulling me over, he will forever be remembered by me as...well, let's just say a Texan.

This time I resolved to treat all of Texas as a "work zone," which pained me because driving slower through Texas means spending more time in Texas. As it turns out, most of Texas is a work zone. Almost as soon as I got into the state, a sign read: "Work Zone, Next 68 Miles," and in that entire expanse I didn't see a single piece of equipment or worker. I hate Texas so much.

In an effort to add to Texas's smog without improving its economy, I drove through the entire expanse without stopping once. I considered stopping to go to the bathroom, since that would mean leaving waste, but that would have meant another couple of minutes in Texas. And sure enough, as soon as I got to New Mexico, everything was nicer and better and prettier.

So that's my story. What are you going to do about it, Texas? You can't get me over here in New Mexico! HAH!! Can't quite reach me now, huh, Texas?!?!?