An open letter to my brother about Cannonball Run II

Dear James,

Or disagreements on the Cannonball Run franchise are well documented. Well, today I saw Cannonball Run II at long last, and I can say with great accuracy and certainty that you are completely wrong, in every way, about everything ever.

Yes, it's true -- I watched this movie sober, which is a mistake of high magnitude. And sure, I didn't have the benefit of Celebrity Movie-Watching Pal Matt Bernstein ("He'll make it funny -- guaranteed"), but I suspect neither did you when you first liveblogged this film. And yes, the fact that the DVD was pan-and-scan did hurt some of the more peripheral sight gags, but again, I believe your TiVo'd version, no doubt addled with commercial interruptions, was much the same. Therefore, more or less, I think we were watching the same movie.

So how could you say that this pale imitation is better than the original? The only conclusion I can reach is that you were adopted and that we are in fact not blood relatives.

Allow me to elaborate. First of all, the interplay between Burt and Dom is much less slappy in this sequel, and as a result, the outtakes suffer. That Merilu Henner is somehow attracted to Dom, and that aging Burt is attracted to aging Shirley MacLaine, is highly upsetting. Frank Sinatra's appearance is entirely Frank-indulgent and annoying. Richard Kiel proves once agani that he is much better in non-speaking roles.

(A note: I met Richard Kiel at a comic book convention. This is true. He was asking $10 for one glossy photo, or $20 for 3. I asked for one photo from The Spy Who Loved Me. Richard Kiel, who was huge and ugly as you'd expect but less intimidating because he didn't look like he could stand up on his own, said "You know, for $10 more, you can have three pictures." Less thinking than usual, I blurted out, "Sure, but what would I do with three pictures of Richard Kiel?" He didn't talk to me after that.)

Even the crazy proctologist from the first movie manages to not be funny in the sequel. Perhaps this movie's only saving grace is the return of Molly Picon as Mrs. Goldfarb -- a cameo that you must not have noticed, James, as you failed to mention it in your liveblog. Just further proof that you simply don't know what you're talking about!

The only genuine laugh I got out of this film, was that chimpanzee. Yes, dear reader, the chimp joke is played out -- I'm not one to laugh at just a chimp. But this chimp is accompanied by some hilarious music. "Doo Doo doo-doo-doo, doo-doo-doo, CRASH! SPLAT!"

I give this film my lowest rating ever: twelve stars. Take that! James, I'm having your Film Studies degree from prestigious Emory University revoked. Remember: It's not what you do, it's how you do it. Cannonball.

Your brother?
Andrew