At MI5, they say there's no business like ho business

So I haven't seen 50 Cent's semi-biopic Get Rich or Die Tryin', but I understand he has some kind of problem expressing emotions, or "acting." It got me thinking: what would I do if a team of high-powered movie producers came up to me and said, "Andrew, you're contractually obligated to make a movie with 50 Cent. Get on that."

Since this fantasy is already improbable, I'd say: "Why, I'll just cast him in my next project, Bond 32: A Batman to Kill For." (Yes, in my fantasy land I'm hired to make a crossover film that breaks the trillon dollar box office mark.) 50 Cent can play the silent henchman, so the only emotion he has to convey is "badass."

He'll need a gimmick, of course. How about: getting shot doesn't kill him! It's just like real life, but in the movie we'll make it look sexy. Too out there, you say? Look, Jaws fell out of a plane without a parachute and looked fine a few scenes later. Bond dropped a frikkin' building on him and he just brushed his coat off. I think we can hit fiddy with a few shells and have him not walk with a limp, aight?

(Did I tell my Richard Kiel story already? Oh, I totally did. Never mind then.)

And best of all, we can have him do the theme song on the cheap, in the grand tradition of...oh...I'm going to go with Get Over It.

"Stop, Andrew!" you cry. "Bond and gangsta rap are two great tastes that just don't make sense together! A gangsta Bond theme would be lame." That's where you're wrong, friend.

First of all, I'd like to point out that Bond themes change with the times. Bond had a disco period, and 80s pop period, and recently a techno period. These days it's all about the rap.

Secondly, thematically, Bond and gangsta rap have everything in common! "Oh no I di'n't"? Oh yes I did, reader. Play this game when you're bored: How many aspects of gangsta rap can you name that are 100% interchangeable with James Bond?

• Excessive drinking, often of champagne
• Conspicuous consumption
• Killing people, and being okay with that
• Sexual promsicuity, especially with improbably-named women

50 Cent's "If I Can't" from his debut album (chorus: "If I can't do it homey, it can't be done") is essentially Carly Simon's "Nobody Does It Better", with more F-bombs. Since most of his songs are about how awesome he is, you can just replace the name "50 Cent" with "James Bond" and get something pretty good. Consider Snoop Dogg's interlude in "P-I-M-P":

J-A-M-E-S B-O-N-D and S-N-double-O-P!

Hell, if 50 does a song about casino gambling and extreme winter sports, I'll have to upgrade him from henchman to James Bond himself. (Or Batman.)

"Fine, Andrew,' you concede graciously, "gangsta rap and James Bond have a lot in common. But Bond's still too snooty to listen to rap." Well then, dear reader, allow me to direct your attention to Xzibit A, a bit of forgotten dialogue from Goldfinger:

BOND
(at his most pretentious ever)
My dear girl, there are some thingsh that jusht aren't done, such as drinking Dom Perignon '53 above the temperature of 38 degreesh Fahrenheit. That'sh jusht as bad as lishtening to the Beatlesh without earmuffsh! I prefer the Monkees.

ODDJOB
(sneakily)
::hits Bond in the back of the head::

(He didn't really say he prefers the Monkees.) But less than nine years later, best Beatle Paul McCartney did one of the most awesome Bond themes of all time.

Oops, gotta go switch the morning news. In closing, you know I'm right.