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March 1, 2006
An Introduction to Detective Goren
James, I know you've been avoiding all the Law & Orders all this time. TiVo just Suggestioned (tm) an episode of Criminal Intent for me, and it happens to be the first episode I ever saw. L&O:CI(tm) is even crazier than most detective shows when it comes to the sheer volumes of trivial knowledge its protagonist just happens to have at his fingertips. Really...even more than Monk! Plus, Det. Goren (Vincent D'Onofrio, medium-fat version) uses his patented Lean-Over-Sideways method of interrogation to force a confession every time, so that we don't have to sit through any court scenes.
Anyway, this episode, "The Pilgrim," is about terrorists, and actually it's kind of a lame episode. But it's the one I always think of, since it introduced me to Det. Goren in the most hilarious way. Here's a scene:
SUBSTITUTE TEACHER
(answering a student, naturally)
Randy asked why the Greek Bible is called the Septuagint. "Septua" means "seventy," and the story is that it took seventy scholars to translate the Hebrew Bible into Greek.GOREN
(after lurking around)
At the Great Library at Alexandria, Egypt. Right Mr. Edwards?SUBSTITUTE TEACHER
Right. The library, and its 700,000 books were destroyed by fire over 1300 years ago.GOREN
My mother was a librarian.SUBSTITUTE TEACHER
They just built a new library on the site of the original...this time with state-of-the-art smoke detectors.GOREN
You've been?SUBSTITUTE TEACHER
Oh, I've read about it. I'm one of five people who actually reads Smithsonian Magazine.GOREN
Six. One of six.
Notice the totally unnecessary reference to his mother. That's another tactic he's working on I think.
Anyway, later, Goren patiently explains things to his useless girl sidekick...
SCULLY
What's this?GOREN
It's the Smithsonian article on the new library in Alexandria. When Edwards mentioned smoke detectors it didn't ring a bell.SCULLY
You actually read this when it came out?GOREN
(clearly deflecting)
It's the perfect size for my treadmill.
Riiiight.
Well, this is probably one of those things you have to see for yourself. So, I'll TiVoIze an episode of House, M.D. for its ethics-expanding drama, if you Digitally Video Record (tm) a Criminal Intent. Bonus points if you get an episode with Goren's nemesis Olivia d'Abo, the show's only recurring villain -- for some reason she refuses to confess! So frustrating! How are you supposed to solve a crime if the bad guy won't confess?!?! It's a lesson Goren may never learn...
Andrew - 4:21 AMDeal. Actually you double-sold me when you said that Olivia d'Abo is the show's recurring villain. Don't bury the lead like that; you're in the news business now, fool.
James F - Mar 1, 2006 - 8:52 AMDidn't she only recur, like, once? Isn't she the hot blonde whose mom was played by Wonder Woman?
Big Pinz - Mar 1, 2006 - 9:46 AMShe's been in the show about a half dozen times now, and mentioned through other connections a lot more. And, in fact, the line about his mother was to set up how alike the two of them are, IIRC.
Also, sometimes the sideways lean is replaced by the intricate trap which causes them to exclaim their confession.
RM - Mar 1, 2006 - 11:06 AMAnd I still want to see a confession-getters tournament between Jack and Bobby.
RM - Mar 1, 2006 - 11:07 AMIsn't she the hot blonde whose mom was played by Wonder Woman?
Ahh, what?
Well, my IMDB PowerSearch, brought to me by, um, PowerBars, says that Olivia d'Abo never worked with Lynda Carter, if that's what you mean. She is, however, the identical second cousin of Maryam d'Abo, who you'll remember as the cellist from The Living Daylights. Last line: "Oh, James!" (swoon)
Andrew F - Mar 1, 2006 - 3:17 PMMy own research found that Lynda Carter played a *different* recurring con artist in the Law & Order universe, showing up in episodes of both SVU and Original Flavor. So many grifters, so little... oh wait, there's plenty of time... freakin' show is on three times a day...
Big Pinz - Mar 2, 2006 - 7:16 AMOK, so I'm going through the season 2 DVDs for Alias, and Olivia d'Abo shows up playing a character named Wallice or wallen. ("Double Agent")
Weird.
RM - Mar 3, 2006 - 8:25 PM