Sleep is for the Weak

That is what I used to say in college, when all-nighters were common and I scoffed at those who told me some sleep might do me good. I am now paying for that sentiment, here in the Land of the Baby Who Never Sleeps. Our admittedly adorable Mr. Baby is exceedingly nap resistent, and likes to wake up upwards of six times a night. Needless to say, this is a problem. So, I recently did what all nerds do when faced with a seemingly intractable problem. I read books. And the internet -- always reliable. Here's what I found.

Method: The Conventional Wisdom, Let him Cry It Out. If your baby cries, ignore him. If he cries louder and longer, ignore that too. It's good for him. Might as well teach him early on that you have none of the answers to his problems, and he can rely only on himself. If for some reason you are not capable of ignoring your crying child, it can only be assumed that you are some sort of terrible mother, willing to sacrifice your baby's well-being to indulge your pitiable weakness. If hours of pre-dawn crying makes you feel like stabbing yourself, go ahead. Better that than to have your son grow up to be some sort of commie momma's boy pansy.

Success? We succeeded in doubling the amount of crying Mr. Baby did at night, along with a corresponding decrease in the amount of sleep had by both Baby and Mommy. In some sort of hellish domino effect, we also destroyed his previously obtained ability to put himself to sleep at naptimes and at bedtime. That's quite an achievement, I think. Well done, us.

Method: Smug American Mommy. This is not a Crying It Out method. Nope. See, because instead of letting your baby cry while you sleeplessly marinate in your guilt in another room, in this method you are letting him cry while you sit right next to him, thereby taunting and confusing him with your refusal to pick him up and comfort him despite your obvious proximity. This totally worked with my children, and with scores of other children that I personally subjected to this treatment, so what's your problem?

Success? I lasted less than one night with this one. After an hour of crying and no end in sight, I decided it was ridiculous and no better than the first method.

Method: Smug British Mummy. This is a perfectly simple method in which you repeatedly pick up your crying loved one, wait for them to stop crying (but without actually helping them to do so by rocking, walking, or bouncing), and then put them back down again, at the exact right second. One second too early or too late, and you've botched the whole affair. Repeat ad nauseum. Except sometimes you don't pick them up, like if they're a certain age or crying a certain way or if the moon is aligned with Jupiter. If your baby stands up in their cot you have to lay them back down, no matter how many times they do it. If your baby decides this must be a fun new game to play with Mummy, you clearly haven't applied yourself to the task with enough seriousness. Sometimes you leave the room, but we're not going to tell you exactly when. You go back in when your baby starts crying again. No, not crying like that, crying like this. What do you mean, you can't tell the difference? You must be incredibly stupid. Or possibly deaf. You must stick to this method despite the fact that your baby is sure to regress, at which point you will have to do it all over again. Sound like a lot of work? Well, sure, if you're a lazy cow.

Success? Not so far. He may be shaving before I can figure out the rules of the game.

Method: Pompous Doctor/Daddy. The anti-Crying It Out. You must do everything in your power to get your baby back to sleep as quickly as possible. Nurse him, rock him, walk him, bounce him, let him sleep in your bed. If you do not sacrifice yourself physically and psychologically in the interest of catering to your child's every whim and cry, you are emotionally bereft and not fit to parent. Your son will clearly turn out to be a pet-torturing psychopath with you to blame.

Success? This method succeeds only in maintaining the status quo. Sometimes I default to it, but only because I am desperate for sleep, not because I agree with the philosophy.

Overall assessment: They can all bite me.