Furdell Classic Cinema Theatre, Vol. II: Zapped!

Cast of characters:
a. Scott Baio (Charles from Charles in Charge) plays science nerd Barney, our telekinetic "hero", shown here concentrating very hard...on acting.
b. Willie Aames (Buddy from Charles in Charge) is Peyton, Barney's idiot horndog friend.
c. Someone not from Charles in Charge plays Bernadette, Barney's nerd-hot love interest. As we'll see, she's evil to the core.
d. Scatman Crothers (The Harlem Globetrotters on Gilligan's Island) coaches Barney's baseball team. We'll be referring to him as Coach Shining.
e. Undersexed teacher Miss Burnhart doesn't figure into the plot much, but she'll be the only returning character in the straight-to-video sequel, Zapped Again!, to be reviewed at a later date.
f. A sexy girl in a pink sweater as herself.

a.

b.

c.

d.

e.

f.

Plot Synopsis:
We're introduced to Barney in his high school lab, which apparently only he has access to. He's working on a couple of projects -- growing orchids for the principal, and administering THC to mice which he then puts into tiny SCUBA gear and dunks into fish tanks.

When Barney isn't looking, Coach Shining accidentally pours Barney's experimental orchid growth fluid into Barney's marijuana extract oil. Not long after, Barney's idiot friend Peyton unwittingly adds the reactive ingredient: beer. Barney feeds some of the secret formula to a mouse, which then gains the ultimate superpower: Mind Over Cheese. And it causes Barney to drop the vial of secret formula on the ground. In a bright flash and a plume of smoke, Barney...is Zapped!

After "accidentally" tearing the sexy girl's sweater off with his mind, Barney begins to realize that he's gained telekinetic powers. In short order, he masters those powers, floating half a dozen objects at once with great precision, all in front of a big open window. It doesn't take long for Peyton and nosy journalism student Bernadette to take notice. They all decide -- for some reason -- that they should keep Barney's powers a secret.

Now, this is where the movie gets kind of weird. From here on in, Barney uses his powers in almost every scene...but always frivolously (at best). He never saves any lives or rights any wrongs or even is particularly helpful to anyone. One of the first things he does with his powers is cheat at a baseball game. After nine innings of physics-bending psychological warfare, the opposing team's pitcher actually sits down on the mound and cries. Bernadette, looking on from the bleachers...seems to approve. It's notable that this wasn't set up as being a particularly important game.

Barney spends much of the movie using his powers to get Peyton laid, generally by shaming the sexy sweater girl's beefy college-student boyfriend. I want to make something clear: Peyton does not deserve to have sex with the sweater girl. Actually he's kind of an asshole. But, with help from Barney's powers and his own shameless lies, he does eventually convince sweater girl to have sex with him...and of course he surreptitiously sets his camera to automatically photograph their congress. That's classy.

Something else I want to make clear: Bernadette knows about all of this, and she finds it charming.

INTERLUDE: This movie is more random-scenes-strung-together than plot, really, and a lot of it can be ignored. But the best part of the film must be when Barney and Bernadette incinerate Barney's marijuana plants, and Coach Shining accidentally gets a lungful.

End interlude. Barney continues to charm Bernadette by terrorizing strangers with his powers. In this montage they progress from casual flirtation to full-on sexy time. Note: his mother is afraid to enter her own house without a crucifix because Barney deliberately convinced his parents that he and his wooden dummy were possessed by demons.

I included the entire montage, including the queasy sex scene at the end, against my better judgment. But you see my point: it's not the tube socks that turned her on. It's the willful chaos Barney causes to people who were just minding their own business.

Ah, but then Barney crosses the line: Peyton convinces him to cheat at roulette. Upon discovering that Barney plans to use his powers for profit rather than just the usual random acts of pure terror, Bernadette throws a fit.

When Bernadette stops returning Barney's calls, he hits the bottle and spends a drunken night on his laboratory floor. The next morning he runs into Bernadette on campus and apologizes for gambling. Baio is surprisingly moving in this scene, as an all-powerful boy so smitten that he's willing to commit himself purely to profit-free chaos.

BARNEY
Bernadette, I'm sorry....about the gambling, about acting like an idiot. I'm through with it, it's over. Bernadette, please, don't be mad at me. Go to the prom with me. I mean, we have fun together, don't we? I've never felt this way with anyone before.

She agrees to meet him at the prom. Peyton is prom king, and Sexy Sweater Girl -- who's back with the beefy college guy -- is prom queen, so that's awkward. For no particular reason other than to show up Beefy College Guy, Peyton shows off his sex photo (which Sexy Sweater Girl, up until this point, did not know existed). Quite reasonably, Beefy College Guy takes a swing at Peyton, who is complete slime. Barney sees this, and concentrates...

Now at this point maybe Barney could use his power to stop College Guy's fist from moving, or to push him away. That would have worked fine. But instead, he rips off Sweater Girl's prom dress (and sees everything). And then he rips off everyone else's clothes -- much to their perplexing delight. Barney has now become an agent of pure chaos; note Bernadette's naked glee.

In the end, Barney is hit in the face by a floating bra, and loses his powers...or does he? No, he does not. He was just faking for some reason, and he flies Bernadette home. The end.

Final analysis: This was my first viewing of Zapped!, and, having seen Zapped Again! more than once, I had certain expectations. Those expectations were definitely defied. The film famously ends with that prom scene, and Barney using his powers to tear off everyone's clothes...but unlike the protagonist in the sequel, Barney doesn't seem all that interested in actually looking at people naked, and I think that gives Zapped! its unintentional depth. This is a rare sex comedy in which the main characters are unrepentant, unpunished villains whose only motivation is the senseless humiliation of their peers. Improbably thought-provoking.

The Female Perspective^TM with Julia Katz:
I was confused at first why his parents were so critical of him, like what did he do that was so bad. But then when he started with the dummy stuff, okay, that might raise a red flag...They had to bring a priest in to exorcise the dummy demons. Were they religious weirdos, or were they just really freaked out?
When I saw that scene where they were playing tennis together, it was kind of one scene in a string of scenes where you see him cheating with his power. And his girlfriend knows his powers. He makes the ball change direction and she just gives him this look like "Oh you." I would be like, "You come over here so I can step on your balls." Because that's not cool. That would be annoying to anybody. (Note from Andrew: Julia started to nod off during Coach Shining's weed dream, but I nudged her and she seemed to stay awake for the remainder of the film.)