Baseball Jones

Atlanta Braves third baseman and all-around redneck Chipper Jones just had a son, and named him Shea Logan Jones. And yes, that's intentional. The kid is actually named after the New York Mets' Shea Stadium, where Chipper is often booed and called "Larry" (his real name, which I can't imagine bothers him), but where he also routinely crushes the Mets (.314 lifetime average, and he hit his first career home run there).

Fortunately for his son, Chipper didn't choose one of the other ballparks out there, which could have resulted in:

etc.

(Although Minute Maid Jones would have been awesome.)

Anatomy of a countdown: February 16, 1991

I had so much fun doing this last time, I figured I'd do another one.

I had my doubts about this countdown when it arrived in the mail, since it's hosted by the mediocre Shadoe Stevens, and is from that no-man's land of pop music known as the early '90s (just ask Andrew, who listened to an awful Casey's Top 40 from early 1990 with me on an Atlantic City road trip).

But this one's actually a perfect representation of my new pop music theorem, which I will soon be trademarking: the James Furdell 18-Year Nostalgia Theorem. In the 1982 countdown, we witnessed a bizarre fascination with the music of 1964; thus, if the Theorem holds, this countdown should be obsessed with the music of 1973-ish.

This countdown also should answer the question, "Why did Nirvana become so popular?" once and for all. Andrew's earlier tangent stating that rock and roll is dead isn't really accurate; rock just goes through different phases every few years, and whether you like the current phase is pretty much a matter of taste. For example, one of Andrew' favorite bands, ELO, was definitely a part of that "early-'60s throwback" cadre of bands from the early '80s. Nothing wrong with that, but certainly nothing original. Right now we're kind of on the tail-end of a "pop-punk" phase (think Blink-182 and Good Charlotte), with hopefully the next big thing coming soon.

But back to 1991. When you see in this countdown which rock bands were popular in the months before Kurt Cobain ushered in the grunge era at the very end of 1991, you will understand why a not-all-that-great grunge band was able to take the rock world by storm.

Let's start the countdown!

#40 Madonna - Justify My Love

I will, always and forever, think of the SNL "Wayne's World" sketch with Madonna when I hear this song. The song itself? Not so good. But it hit #1 anyway (here it's on its way down).

#39 Slaughter - Spend My Life

Building a case for We Need Nirvana: Exhibit A. This song is awful.

Fun Slaughter fact: the band's guitarist and manager were arrested in 1993 on charges of conspiring to ship cocaine from California to other parts of the U.S. Rock on!

#38 Londonbeat - I've Been Thinking About You

I kind of liked this one at the time, and it actually holds up pretty well. Reminds me of Fine Young Cannibals a bit.

#37 Bette Midler - From A Distance

Ugh. Here's a good poll question. Death is not an option: this, or "Wind Beneath My Wings?"

I said death was not an option.

#36 Father MC - I'll Do 4 U

What, you don't remember Father MC? No? Nothing?

This is a fairly pedestrian rap song that "samples" (which, as Shadoe explains to us, is borrowing music from another song) Cheryl Lynn's "Got To Be Real," which was a hit in... 1979. Almost works with my Theorem, but not quite.

#35 George Michael - Waiting For That Day

I'm the only person in America who liked the Listen Without Prejudice Vol. 1 album. Lot of downers on that album, such as "Praying For Time," but this one's a little more upbeat.

The album wasn't popular with the studio. I have a feeling there's not going to be a Vol. 2?

#34 Tony! Toni! Tone! - It Never Rains in Southern California

Not as big a hit as "Feels Good," but a better song. I think it's the only slow R&B song from this countdown that I like.

#33 Tevin Campbell - Round and Round

From the Graffiti Bridge soundtrack! I may have owned it, without ever having any intention of seeing the movie.

I made the right choice.

#32 Tara Kemp - Hold You Tight

Just wanna hold you tight. All day, all night. I remember this one, but I'm sure no-one else does.

#31 Tesla - Signs

This song was originally a hit in 1971. The Theorem strikes again!

#30 Alias - Waiting For Love

We Need Nirvana: Exhibit B.

#29 Will To Power - I'm Not In Love

Theorem's off by a couple years again. This was originally a hit in 1975 for 10cc. (I like the Olive version from 2000.)

#28 Urban Dance Squad - Deeper Shade of Soul

UDS was a rap/rock collective based in Amsterdam. Ahead of its time, perhaps?

#27 Another Bad Creation - Iesha

Oh man, this song CRACKS ME UP. ABC was a pre-teen quintet from Atlanta managed and produced by one of the Bel Biv Devoe guys (that would be Biv, to be precise). This is the #2 hit off the group's first album, which, of course, is the classic Coolin' at the Playground Ya' Know! I must reproduce at least part of the lyrics:

[spoken]
Yo, Red, where`d you meet her?

[sung by the group]
At the playyyyy-grounnnnnnd!
[solo]
That`s where I saw this cutie
This girl was swinging
And she looked so fly.

On the monkey barrrrrrrrrrs!
We climbed up to the top and
She touched my hand.
That`s when I fell in love.

The song goes on to describe how, on their first date, they "played Nintennnn-doooooooo!" and ate cereal. Hilarious. A national treasure.

#26 Gloria Estefan - Coming Out of the Dark

Yeah, she's back from her car/bus/whatever accident.

#25 Oleta Adams - Get Here

Cheesy Rhymes Theater:

You can reach me by caravan
Cross the desert like an Arab man
I don`t care how you get here
Just get here if you can

#24 Cathy Dennis - Just Another Dream

Wow, I don't even remember her, but she had three Top 10 hits. Including this one. Another artist lost in the pop music ether.

#23 AC/DC - Money Talks

What? Yes, none other than AC/DC is in a 1991 countdown. This just about fulfills the 18-Year Theorem, and also serves as We Need Nirvana Exhibit C.

#22 Traci Spencer - This House

This house! Is our house! Let's do it for the people!
You... me... ....we can make a difference!

Yes, these are actual lyrics from this song. It may sound like it came from an episode of Kids Incorporated, but it didn't.

#21 Bad Company - If You Needed Somebody

Bad Company making a comeback? Ugh. Once again: it's 1973 all over again, and once again, We Desperately Need Nirvana, Exhibit D.

#20 Damn Yankees - High Enough

Oh man. Do We Ever Need Nirvana. Exhibit E.

Actually, this is a pretty good song, and a staple on my Power Ballads mix CD. But man, does it ever exemplify the cheesy hair-bandedness of the period.

#19 After 7 - Heat of the Moment

After 7 had two Number 1 hits. And you forgot all about them.

How could you do that?

How could you do that to After 7?

#18 Sting - All This Time

Was Sting lame, already, by this point?

Well, at least he wasn't doing car commercials yet. Guh.

#17 Styx - Show Me the Way

STYX?! Styx is in the countdown? Once again, it's 1973. And once again, We Really, Really Need Nirvana. This would be Exhibit F.

Amusingly, this version of this song on my countdown CD is the "Desert Shield Re-Mix," put together by a Knoxville DJ, and featuring sound bites from various news stories and President Bush the Elder. Jingoism never dies, especially where Saddam is concerned.

#16 Nelson - After the Rain

Nirvana, Please Come-A-Calling. Exhibit G.

#15 L.L. Cool J - Around the Way Girl

As Shadoe points out, the "L.L." stands for "Ladies Love Cool James". Which I feel also applies to me. And hey, he's still hanging around the charts today, after first charting in 1987. Not too many rappers can say that. Good flow to the lyrics, too:

I want a girl with extensions in her hair
Bamboo earrings, at least two pair
A Fendi bag and a bad attitude
That's all I need to get me in a good mood.
She can walk with her switch and talk with street slang
I love when I woman ain't afraid to do her thang
Standin at the bus stop, suckin' on a lollipop
When she gets pumpin, it's hard to make the hotty stop.
She likes to dance to the rap jam.
She's sweet as brown sugar with candied yams
Honey-coated complexion.
Music camay.
Lets hear it for the girl.
Shes from around the way.

#14 Ralph Tresvant - Sensitivity

Some of these slow, awful R&B jams are a portent to the dynastic, much-rued a capella reign of Boyz II Men.

#13 Pebbles - Love Makes Things Happen

I hope that, back then, a lot of people asked her where Bam-Bam was.

#12 Warrant - I Saw Red

Warrant gets to be Nirvana Please Come Quickly Exhibit H, despite filling the back end of my power ballads mix CD with this song.

#11 Chris Isaak - Wicked Game

Mmmm. Yes, I'm thinking about the video for this song. But it's a good song in its own right, too, and not just for bringing images of near-naked Helena Christensen into our living rooms.

#10 Janet Jackson - Love Would Never Do Without You

All her songs from 1990-91 sound the same. Scientific fact.

#9 Vanilla Ice - Play That Funky Music

I've addressed this before, as this is clearly one of the worst songs of all time.

Amusingly, the countdown disc features Shadoe interviewing the lead guy from Wild Cherry who did the song originally in 1976 (Theorem's a few years off). He talks about how he found out about the song when they started playing it on the radio, and called a record store to find out if he was given credit as the original writer. He was not, and thus he promptly contacted his lawyer to seek legal action against Vanilla. Absolutely hilarious.

#8 INXS - Disappear

This is a great, great song. One of my favorite by INXS. Maybe we don't need Nirvana after all?

No, we still do.

#7 Keith Sweat - I'll Give All My Love To You

Another awful, indistinguishable early-'90s R&B ballad.

#6 Celine Dion - Where Does My Heart Beat Now

I believe that would be Caesar's Palace in Las Vegas.

#5 Mariah Carey - Someday

This was from Mariah's debut album, which I actually really liked, and listened to until the cassette fell apart. (That's right, I just admitted that to the entire Internet. I'm an idiot.)

I still think that was a great first album, but she didn't develop at all as a singer after that, and the lyrics she had to work with were unfailingly saccharine and elementary. Almost everything after that first album was crap, culminating in her awful "star" turn in Glitter, where she perfected the "Look at the ground" acting technique.

But that's a story for another time.

A sad, sad story.

#4 Surface - The First Time

You don't remember Surface? Me neither. But they actually hit Number 1 with this piece of crap ballad.

#3 Timmy T - One More Try

As the numbers get lower, the hits get... more obscure and forgettable.

#2 Whitney Houston - All The Man That I Need

Will she ever live down saying this on Primetime Live?

Crack is cheap. I make too much money to ever smoke crack. Let's get that straight. Okay? We don't do crack. We don't do that. Crack is whack.

Gods of hiliarity willing, no she will not.

#1 C&C Music Factory - Gonna Make You Sweat

Just as #40 reminds me of "Wayne's World," #1 will now always remind me of the Simpsons episode where Homer and Bart visit a gay steel factory, where they dance to this song.

And that's the countdown. As you can see, rock music was incredibly stagnant at the time. We needed Nirvana like Mars needs women.

I remember the first time I heard Nirvana. I was in the high school band, and while we were goofing off before winter break, a drummer played the Nevermind CD in the band room stereo. It sounded alive and fresh... like a jolt of musical caffeine. In retrospect, it might sound a little played and lackluster. But, looking at this 1991 countdown, I think it's pretty obvious why Kurt and his gang burned up the airwaves and my CD player in '92. Nirvana was definitely in the right place at the right time, but I'm thankful they did come along to signal the death knell of bands like Nelson and Warrant. (And, for that matter, Slaughter and Alias.)

Until next time, keep your feet on the floor, and keep reaching for the crack.

Never. Eating. Again.

I hate LiveJournal.

It's an on-line journaling system that tends more towards diary than blog. There's not so much an economy of words going on there; the most minute of life's daily minutiae gets posted. For example, I happened to click on this one, and the first words I read are:

Rachael has little nasty yeasties inavding her diaper area.

EWW EWW ick.

So there is such a thing as Internet TMI.

Fortunately for my sanity, there is a website that chronicles the best in LiveJournal Drama. Highly entertaining on all fronts.

Pup: you are ELIMIDATED

From the Instapundit "Indeed" Counter Challenge, that is. I'm afraid that, yesterday, while patting the Internet on the back for dragging John Kerry through the mud, Mr. Insta uttered his 360th "Indeed" on his blog, thus elimidating talking stuffed bear Pup from the competition for the luxurious grand prize.

But we do have a lovely parting gift... a trip to Las Vegas!

What's that? He's going already, this weekend?

Huh. Gift of the magi. Never mind, then.

Can David Blaine do this?

Andrew had a good idea with "Just Siegfried!"

Kimberly mentioned to me today that Kelly Ripa might be leaving her talk show, which leads us to the only obvious solution: Live with Regis and Siegfried.

Let's make some calls on this, people.

Santa Kaus

Andrew got his wish from one Mr. Kaus! Predictably, his take on the Swift Boat Veterans for Taking Down Kerry is... that it's disasterous for Kerry. BIG SHOCK.

After bringing up pertinent issues such as whether Kerry was actually across the physical Cambodia-Vietnam border, or just very near the border, 35 years ago, Kaus swiftly un-dismisses the Swifties using his trademark, the totally un-annoying P.P.P.P.P.S. postscript.

P.P.P.S.: Respectable big-time journalist friends who met with the anti-Kerry vets recently found them a lot more credible than expected. Sorry, Note! 3:21 A.M.

I love it when political blogs do this. You should believe something told to Mickey Kaus by his unnamed, big-time respectable journalist friends. But not, you know, actual, researched news articles contradicting their credibility, which he hasn't bothered mentioning.

I think the proverbial shark has been jumped.

The sport of the future

Oh man, have you guys seen any of that Olympic fencing? I would have been watching the whole thing if I knew the athletes were wearing the coolest sports equipment ever devised... lighty-up helmets.

One fencer is red, the other yellow. Little LEDs in their helmets flash when they touch the opponent with the foil. BRILLIANT.

Plus, the shiny, metallic, bulked-up helmets look like poorly-designed costume props from a low-budget 1970s sci-fi film. I kept expecting James Caan to jump out the shadows screaming "ROLLERRRBALLLLLLLLL!!!" before dismantling another robomatronic Yul Brenner.

I now fully expect Lazer Tag [sic] to become an Olympic exhibition event by 2012. (Andrew and I, being veterans of cheap Lazer Tag knockoff Photon, don't stand a chance.)

Bad luck and valuable lessons

Vegas was fun, and there was no terrorism, unless you count all those blackjack dealers who kept pulling out a 21 from a 5 up-card. And also:

- Our friend Mr. Big Pinzur couldn't escape Miami because of the hurricane.
- The flight Kimberly and I were on was delayed due to a Vegas visit by President Retardo-brain. I mean Bush. President Bush.
- Four of us went to a hike, and on the way back got caught in a very cold hailstorm.

So yeah, scheduling a Vegas trip over the Friday-the-13th weekend was maybe not the best idea. But still, we had a lot of fun, and learned some valuable lessons.

1) Pai gow poker is the nuts.

As I predicted, pai gow poker was a big hit with our entourage. Unlike blackjack and craps, which would sap our money away at an accelerated rate, pai gow poker was a much, muuuuch sloooooowwwwer way to lose money. Even at a $10 table, you can stay halfway to forever under normal circumstances. Seemingly three out of four hands resulted in a push, and even with only two or three people at a table, each game takes at least two or three minutes to deal and pay out. And that means much, much more time to down tons of free drinks. What a steal.

Pai gow has the added fun of letting you play as the banker, and potentially taking money from your friends (or maybe giving yours to them). Andrew did this sucessfully a few times against us, and it made for some of the most fun trash talking sessions you could possibly have in a casino. "Ace-queen no good, beeyotch!"

The downside: although it's a fairly easy game to learn, that didn't prevent me from screwing up a couple of times and incurring the mockery of my brother. (Even though I did help him play a straight correctly once. What an ass!)

P.S. Everything was "the nuts" on this trip. Normally this a phrase used to describe the best possible hand in hold'em poker, but also how we would describe anything cool. E.g. "This buffet is the nuts." This was occasionally followed by a "boi-oi-oING!" sound effect, to mimic the ESPN poker coverage, using a goofy announcer voice. ("On this edition of 'The Nuts...' [boi-oi-OING!]")

2) Regular poker players can be the most miserable people on earth.

Andrew and I played at the Orleans on Sunday night, because he wanted to get in an Omaha Hi-Lo game. I stayed at a stud table, and played against four crazy characters for several hours just for the hell of it.

The craziest was an old guy who had to be nearing 90 years old. I learned that he was a regular at the Orleans poker room, and apparently a jeweler (he wore a giant, apparently self-fashioned ring filled with tiny diamonds). He kept getting into arguments with people about the strangest things and making cryptic threats... e.g., "Don't mess with me, you know what you're going to get." (What could you possibly do, old man, smear me with Icy Hot?)

At one point, I must have gotten on his bad side. I would bet into him aggressively at times with nothing to see if I could get him to fold, which aggravated the old jeweler as he tried for his flush draws. He called me "meshuggeneh," which I'm going to assume is bad.

Later, he complained that the dealer was taking the casino's rake out of the pot too early, which didn't make a whole lot of sense. The dealer was doing it correctly, as the jeweler's own nephew (also at the table), himself a poker dealer, pointed out to him.

Even later, there are three of us in the pot, including the jeweler to my left. On fifth street, the man to my right (wearing a "retired and proud of it" trucker hat) bet $3, and I raised to $6 with a pair of kings. The jeweler called, and the retiree re-raised to $9. I expected a better hand in there than mine, so I folded. The jeweler called all the way, and wound up losing to three-of-a-kind eights. But the best part was, he blamed me for his loss. I couldn't help but crack up at that.

"But I folded!" I said while laughing. "Nobody forced you to call his raise!" Still, he somehow blamed me for costing him the hand. Priceless.

Play continued late into the night. No fewer than three consecutive dealers, when their turn to deal was over, left the table muttering an exasperated "Aye aye aye" at having to deal with the jeweler (in exactly the same tone, which cracked me up some more). I was laughing more and more at the jeweler, and he got more belligerent the more he lost. "I know exactly how you're going to play!" he insisted in a thick Eastern European accent. "I just have to follow the cards! I know exactly what you have!" he said as he called my bet on a four-flush that would be successfully filled. Whatever that meant, it was hilarious. The retiree kept mimicking that fateful line... "Follow the cards."

The jeweler lost the $60 in front of him. Then bought in for another $40. Then lost that. Then bought in for another $60, and almost lost all of that before coming back. My stack stayed roughly the same, and the $15 or so I wound up losing over four hours could probably be attributed to tips and the rake. But that's got the be the best $15 on entertainment I've gotten in a while.

3) Yesterday's pop stars become today's fodder material for musicals.

There's Mamma Mia with the music of Abba. We Will Rock You featuring Queen. There's the Billy Joel-inspired Movin' Out and the forthcoming Wham! musical.

In news from 20 years from now, the White Stripes musical Goin' to Wichita! opened to rave reviews at the Wynn casino.

4) Andrew makes hilarious original song lyrics.

While riding up an escalator, he gave us this to the tune of "Love in an Elevator" by Aerosmith:

Love on an es-ca-la-torrrr! Really kind of awkward, because everyone can see...

That's the nuts.

5) Andrew should not shoot automatic weapons.

Read about his and Liaps' hilarious exploits at The Gun Store. Apparently the recoil got the best of Andrew, and he managed to virtually destroy the target range with the M-16. He may still be in hiding.

Until next time... I'm Dr. Vegas.

Time to flush the sound cache

As promised in a comment thread, here's the infamous clip of Casey Kasem angry at having to do a death dedication for a dog named Snuggles after coming out of an up-tempo number. As well as some other off-the-reel bloopers from Casey.

And, while I'm at it, here's some more stuff. In honor of going to Vegas, Andrew's favorite Chris DeBerg song... "The Lady in Red." Just kidding, it's "Don't Pay the Ferryman." Andrew had a dream or something about this song while we were in Vegas, and took it to be a prescient message about not tipping the dealer unless you win, or something. "You must pay me now... (don't do it!)"

It's almost football season. Here's the San Diego Chargers theme song, just because it's funky and I like it. And here's the circa mid-'90s theme music for ESPN's NFL Prime Time, which was much superior before they got co-opted by the ABC/Disney machine. And, because it's always funny to laugh at a staggeringly drunk Joe Namath, here he is making a pass at Suzy Kolber during an on-air interview.

With God as my witness, I WILL DESTROY THE 2WENTY

I, occasionally, go to the movies.

[Pause, wait for gasps to die down.]

Yes, it's true. There are three theaters I frequent the most: Landmark's E Street Cinema in D.C., which I suppose broke off from the Bruce Springsteen Multiplex; AMC's Courthouse Plaza in Arlington, starring their kick-ass mascot Filmguy (who apparently also goes by the aliases Flick, Clip and "Clippy"); and Regal Cinema's Ballston Mall multiplex.

The latter is a dump. Ballston gets most of the bigger blockbuster movies, rather than the superior Courthouse Plaza, so we often wind up driving there against our will. It pretty much encompasses everything bad about going to the movies; sticky floors, no student discounts, and broke-ass, circa-1995 arcade games in the lobby (e.g. Marvel Super Heroes, but not all the buttons work... that should be a capital offense).

But the final insult was hurled about a year ago when Regal Cinemas unveiled its brand-new, exciting pre-show entertainment:

THE 2WENTY.

Yes, it's spelled "2wenty," presumably in an effort to be rad to the max, d00d. Thus, I pronounce it "The Twooo-wenty."

So what is THE 2WENTY? In one phrase, the best way to describe would be to say, "It's a twooowenty-minute commercial." But that, in itself, does not convey the utter evil of the operation; after all, advertisements before movies have become commonplace, and yet until now haven't instilled in me the URGE TO HUNT DOWN AND KILL EVERYONE RESPONSIBLE, AND THEIR FAMILIES.

If Regal wants to set up its crappy-ass Christie digital projectors and show me amateurish advermentaries about the making of some shitty new mini-series on TNT that I won't want to miss, starring, I don't know, Wendie Jo Sperber as an intrepid biological terrorism expert, and Treat Williams as, uh, himself, I guess, then fine. Making me watch three of these promotional features crosses the line a little bit, but at least I can ignore without feeling I've been somehow personally insulted.

But what's reprehensible about THE 2WENTY is the way it's presented: as an entertainment program that I should WANT to see. When it starts up, you get a title card, and an announcer saying, "Welcome to THE 2WENTY!" (He doesn't pronounce it right.)

"Here are the advertisements you'll have to sit through:

[advertisement 1]
[advertisement 2]
[advertisement 3]"

Then they'll start them up. Each one lasts five or six minutes. Generally, they'll include fakish "making of" a series on TNT, or interviews of stars of the latest NBC sitcom debacle, or maybe canned interviews with stars appearing in upcoming movies or DVDs.

After they finish one of these programs, THEY BREAK FOR A FUCKING COMMERCIAL. God, I wish I was kidding. What the fuck?!? Are they actually trying to pretend that, in order to afford showing us 20 minutes of advertising, THEY HAD TO SELL EXTRA ADVERTISING IN BETWEEN?

Worst of all comes at the end of the programming, but before they've finished showing us advertisements that break up the programming (they're not quite ready to show us any actual movies yet). The cheesy announcer tells us:

"You've just seen THE 2WENTY! If you missed part of THE 2WENTY, come early to the theater next time to catch all of it."

"THE 2WENTY is entertainment ignited."

THERE! Right there. Did you catch that last bit? The 2wenty is ENTERTAINMENT IGNITED. They present this 20-minute advertising... thing, which is broken up by futher advertising, as if it itself were somehow entertaining, and not a complete waste of time and money seemingly designed solely to incur my wrath.

The concept they're pushing, of the advertising program that they try to make me think is worth my time, is reinforced by the existence of The Official THE 2WENTY Website, where you can learn all about the exiting advertising programs they have in store for you next time you decide you really, really want to go out to the theater specifically to see THE 2WENTY. Fuck, I may just buy a ticket and walk out after THE 2WENTY ends. Bitch.

And yet, Regal Entertainment continues to try to delude us into thinking this is what people want to see:

The 2wenty is a larger-than-life pre-show adding unique and special entertainment to the REG movie-going experience
The 2wenty is quality entertainment supplied by our four content partners:
[some kickass corporations]

We are digitizing 4,801 screens in 437 theatres (top 69 markets), to be completed by February 2004. By creating the ONLY national Digital Content Network, Regal CineMedia is revolutionizing in-cinema advertising through:
? Production Savings ? No cost for transfer to film in top 69 digital markets
? Flexibility ? Can add tags, split creative by rating, schedule multiple spots in one flight
? Enhanced Proof of Performance ? Will be able to monitor advertising in flight and adjust accordingly

Bleh. This re-defines the phrase "ad creep."

Meanwhile, all this might be forgivable if it resulted in, say, lower ticket prices, lower concession stand prices, non-sticky floors, a Marvel Super Heroes game that's fully-functional, etc. But instead, it's clearly pure gravy for Regal, which probably doesn't make a lot of money off ticket prices, but can make a bundle by force-feeding its customers this tripe and calling it "entertainment."

So, in conclusion: I'm calling out the people responsible for this atrocity!

YOU WILL BOW DOWN BEFORE ME, THE 2WENTY! You, and then, one day after that, a little later on... YOUR HEIRS!!!!

I'm James Furdell, and I approved this message of unbridled anger.

Anatomy of a countdown: Feb. 10, 1982

Way way back in the 1980s, little Jamie would often spend Sunday mornings listening to Casey Kasem's American Top 40. The four-hour program was already by then a radio institution, serving as a compendium of what was popular that week in pop music. There were big debuts, top 10 smashes, little-known up-and-comers, long distance dedications, and, of course plenty of crappy follow-up hits by artists who couldn't quite recapture the original magic.

The show itself had an interesting history. It started on July 4, 1970 and experienced a growth in popularity as the years went by. In 1988, Casey was involuntarily and inexplicably replaced by Shadoe Stevens, a perpetual Hollywood Square who seemed just a little too smooth to fill Casey's shoes (besides, his name was Shadoe... give me a break). Casey started his own countdown, Casey's Top 40, and successfully competed with Shadoe for years. Oddly enough, both countdowns ran on my hometown pop station, WAPE in Jacksonville, on Sundays; Casey in the morning, Shadoe at night.

By 1995, pop music had seemed to splinter off into alterative rock and R&B, and both countdowns were shut down. But in 1998, American Top 40 was revived with Casey at the helm. The revamped countdown successfully adapted to new tastes in pop; few things cheer me up more than hearing 70-year-old Casey seamlessly introducing "In Da Club" by 50 Cent. I hope I'm that cool at that age. (Hell, I wish I was that cool now.)

Sadly, Casey was recently once again sent packing, this time in favor of (please don't make me say it... ugghh) Ryan Seacrest.

Fortunately for me, over the years people have saved the original records and compact discs of Casey's countdowns. I've been collecting CD copies, which are great fun to listen to (and educational, too). Each countdown is like a time capsule that transports you back in time to that week, and some of the facts supplied by Casey about the artists are interesting; often it's stuff I didn't know before.

(Sadly for me, the Internet message board that was serving as a trading post of sorts for American Top 40 collectors has gone defunct, so if any AT40ers happen to Google this, leave me a message so we can trade!)

I just got a new batch of countdowns to add to my collection list. We listened to one on the way to our anniversary dinner, an episode from April 10, 1982. That was actually before I got into pop music, when I moved to Jacksonville in late summer 1983, but I figured it would be fun to fill in some of the 1980s blanks in my collection.

And wow, what a weird time April '82 was for music. Every so often I'll come across a countdown that seems to have occured during a musical dead zone, when especially creative or memorable songs were hard to come by. This was one of those; we had just gotten over disco a couple years ago, hadn't yet gotten to the following year's British Invasion of the pop charts, and were still lamely trying to recreate the music of 15-20 years before as part of a nostalgia kick. Here are some of the high/lowlights:

40: THE OTHER WOMAN - RAY PARKER, JR

You got real lucky with "Ghostbusters," my man. Really, really lucky.

36: THEME FROM "MAGNUM P.I." - MIKE POST
35: POP GOES THE MOVIES (PART 1) - MECO
34: THE BEATLES MOVIE MEDLEY - THE BEATLES

This countdown was fully of cheesy items like these. A TV theme, followed by two medleys. The Meco medley features themes from several films, including Gone With the Wind and The Magnificent Seven, bizarrely set to a disco beat. They loved their medleys back in the early '80s, apparently.

33: MAMA USED TO SAY - JUNIOR

This is actually a really good, somewhat forgotten soul chart hit. Highly recommend if they happen to have it on iTunes. Plus he does that funny raspy thing in his throat when he says "Mama". Ask Kimberly to replicate it for you.

32: BOBBI SUE - THE OAK RIDGE BOYS

One of those "could have come from the early '60s" songs. See also ELO's "Rock and Roll is King" in 1983.

30: ALWAYS ON MY MIND - WILLIE NELSON

Whoa, I wasn't going to mention this one, but I'm watching TV and it's playing in a Levi's commercial. That thing about 20-years-later nostalgia holds true today.

28: I'VE NEVER BEEN TO ME - CHARLENE

This one really sounds like a throwback to those treacly ballads from the '70s. The title kind of gives that away. Yet another singer trying to emulate the success of Karen Carpenter or, I don't know, Bread.

25: GET DOWN ON IT - KOOL & THE GANG

How you gonna do it if you really don't wanna dance?

By standing on the wall?

Get your back up off the wall.

24: DID IT IN A MINUTE - DARYL HALL & JOHN OATES

Do you know how many Top 40 hits these two had? Neither do I, because our number system doesn't reach that high. Seriously, every countdown I have seems to have one of their songs, and it's usually a boring vanilla-bland concoction like this one. But for every five of these, they would put out a huge mega-hit like "Maneater" or "Private Eyes" or "Out of Touch," and so all would be forgiven, I guess, for the likes of crappy follow-ups "Possession Obsession" and "Everything Your Heart Desires," both now completely forgotten. As is "Did It In a Minute." Rightfully so.

Crappy follow-ups rule.

I'm Oates.

23: MY GUY - SISTER SLEDGE

Know what's awesome?

Apparently, 1964 is awesome.

19: TAKE OFF - BOB AND DOUG McKENZIE

This one blew my mind. It's a song based on the SCTV comedy skit called "Great White North"... and we're so hard up for music in April 1982 that this is at #19. Bob and Doug (Rick Moranis and non-Wendy's Dave Thomas) do their stereotypical backwater Canadian bit over an over-produced version of their theme song, which includes backing vocals by Geddy Lee of Rush. Whom I initially thought was a female vocalist.

Honest mistake.

14: PRETTY WOMAN - VAN HALEN

Know what's still awsome? Still, you know... 1964.

11: PAC-MAN FEVER - BUCKNER & GARCIA

Yet another novelty song, and this one had just fallen out of the top 10.

And, as far as Buckner & Garcia songs go, it's not quite as good as "Do the Donkey Kong."

Oh, you think I'm kidding?

Naw, man.

Rounding out the countdown:

10: DO YOU BELIEVE IN LOVE - HUEY LEWIS & THE NEWS
9: KEY LARGO - BERNIE HIGGINS
8: THAT GIRL - STEVIE WONDER
7: OPEN ARMS - JOURNEY
6: DON'T TALK TO STRANGERS - RICK SPRINGFIELD

Rick Springfield, still a couple years shy of producing the consensus worst song ever.

5: MAKE A MOVE ON ME - OLIVIA NEWTON-JOHN
4: FREEZE FRAME - J. GEILS BAND
3: THEME FROM "CHARIOTS OF FIRE" - VANGELIS
2: WE GOT THE BEAT - THE GO-GO'S
1: I LOVE ROCK AND ROLL - JOAN JETT & THE BLACKHEARTS

Not a very hard-core Top 5. Good ol' ONJ at #5, plus some grrrl power (pronounced "grrr-earl") at #1 and #2, but they're not very good songs (at least, according to the Juice Newton Scale of '80s female-led pop songs). And I can't listen to "Chariots of Fire" without laughing these days, it's been parodied so much.

Until next time, this is James, signing off and sailing away to Key Largo.

In case you missed it

I just wanted to make sure all you guys know about the best... Bushism... ever:

"Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we."?Washington, D.C., Aug. 5, 2004

Your president, ladies and gentlemen.

Oh yeah

Kimberly and I have been married four years now. Actually, four years plus one day. Rawk. Andrew: thanks for the present.

The Search for Mediocrity

My latest blog project has been to seek out the Most Mediocre Movie ever.

It's not an easy task; while it's easy to decide that a movie that really bad or really good, it's hard to find one with an equal balance of cool and suck. Thus, I needed some guidelines at the start to help me narrow the field.

First, I decided to use my good friend, the Internet Movie Database. Its user rating system features a comprehensive 1-10 scale, and the bigger films will get thousands of votes, creating a good representative sample. Thus, to consider a movie to be completely mediocre, it had to receive a 5.0 rating from IMdB.

However, that left me with a lot of entries. To whittle it down further, I restricted my search to that mediocrest of decades, the 1980s, and required a minimum of 100 votes.

Originally, one title that caught my eye was 1988's Action Jackson.
This perhaps-too-late-in-the-decade flick tried to make an "action" "star" out of old reliable Carl Weathers, a.k.a. Apollo Smile in the Rocky movies.

I'm a bigger fan of Carl these days, after his self-deprecating turns as himself on both Arrested Development and on Saturday Night Live, where he starred in a commercial asking voters to make him the third actor from Predator, after Schwarzenegger and Ventura, to be voted in as governor. ("Vote for Carl Weathers... I was the black guy in Predator.")

Apparently, back in 1988 they decided to test the action movie waters by making Carl the star. Unfortunately, Carl just looks kind of goofy trying to strut around like a tough guy. Even trying to deliver Schwarzenegger-like funny lines doesn't really work out; in one scene, a taxi tries to run him over, and Carl runs after it after saying, "I have to catch a cab!" Which he does.

After Jackson is thrown from the cab comes this immortal scene:

- Jackson faces down cab and yells at driver.
- Cab comes hurtling toward Jackson.
- Jackson jumps onto cab hood, springs up over the cab and does a backflip, flies through the air, and safely lands on his feet.
- Cab driver is so distraught/distracted by this physically miraculous turn of events that he neglects to notice he is still driving very fast, and plows straight into a furniture store.

I hear that scene was ad-libbed.

Anyway, the ups-and-downs of this movie's quality did have me considering it for the Mediocrity award. After all:

The supporting cast is amazing. The guy who went berserk in Predator plays Jackson's boss. Biff from Back to the Future plays a goof-off cop. Also appearing: multiple other tertiary characters from Die Hard, Lethal Weapon, Commando, etc. It's a veritable 1980s Action Movie Edition of "Hey, It's That Guy!" UPGRADE.

But for the big, sleazy bad guy, they chose... Craig T. Nelson. Yes, TV's Coach. DOWNGRADE.

Love interest #1 is a young-ish, totally hot Sharon Stone! With improbably high '80s hair! And she gets naked in a gratuitous shower scene! UPGRADE!

But love interest #2 is Vanity.

No, I mean Vanity, female pop vocalist, once part of Prince's musical second string, as well as his love interest and pet project. For some reason, the movie's casting director thought she would be perfect playing drugged out, vapid singer who whores herself out for heroin. (By the way, be sure to check out this awesome Vanity fan page.)

Comically, as a side note, the heroin provided to Vanity by her man Craig Tizzy comes in a pristine-looking metallic syringe, which I imagined to be a measles-mumps-rubella innoculation. "Ooooh, that's good MMR baby!" "I've gotta have another hit of booster! YOU GOTTA GET ME MORE BOOSTER, BABY!"

Hm. At any rate, DOWNGRADE.

A-ha, you say... but Vanity, like Stone, also gets topless! Strangely enough, PUSH. She's just too repulsive. Plus, now she's fashioned herself into a born-again evangelist. So, extra creepy.

The soundtrack features music by '80s stars The Pointer Sisters and Herbie Hancock! UPGRA...

Ahh, not so fast, me. This movie came out in 1988, a good three years after anybody stopped caring about either of those musical acts. The Pointers' "He Turned Me Out," played over the opening credits, is especially dull. DOWNGRADE.

By the way, are "action" and "Jackson" supposed to rhyme? I don't think so, my friend. Chalk up another victory for our old nemesis slant rhyme. DOWNGRADE.

So anyway, Action Jackson just isn't good enough to be considered mediocre, and anyway, in the past few months its IMdB rating has slipped to 4.4 out of 10. Back to the drawing board, it would seem, in search of mediocrity.

Ahh, but I already know what I'm going to pick! More on that film at a later date. In the meantime, since action movies are always funnier in French, here's a picture of the French video box for Action Jackson. Parce q'avec Jackson, l'action est garantie!

Classic Needham

CMT, or Country Music Television, was showing the Hall Needham classic Stroker Ace this weekend. The film, of course, stars Burt Reynolds as a NASCAR driver, alongside Jim Nabors, better known as TV's Gomer Pyle, as his crew chief.

While I didn't stay tuned for all of this cinema classic, I did manage to catch this classic exchange. After Burt has finished second in a NASCAR race, a member of his pit crew speaks up:

PIT CREW GUY: What's wrong with second place?
BURT AND GOMER: Screw second!
[Cut to reaction shot of Pit Crew Guy]
KETTLE DRUM SOUND FX: BoiiiiiIIIINGGG!

Kettle drum sound effect?! What are you doing here?

That's right, it's all fun and games until someone brings kettle drum sound effects to the party. It's the wacky auditory cue that lets you know this is a goofy comedy, and they're just clownin' around! Ha-yuck!

By the way, I have it on good authority that Nabors also appeared in Needham's Cannonball Run II as "Pvt. Homer Lyle." Hmmmm. Perhaps he's hanging out with Roger Mo... I mean, "Seymour Goldfarb." What are you trying to hide, Hal Needham? I have only one thing to say to you...

J'ACCUSE!