November 2004 Archives

I've been seeing rumblings lately. Liaps reminiscing about last trip's apocalyptic hike. My brother quietly but prominently featuring the Las Vegas weather on this very page. Kimberly's cryptic, blackjack-themed comment during a Canadian sojourn. Yes, it seems that we all want to gamble, again.

Little do James and Kimberly know, they were not the only Furdells to gamble during this Turkey Genocide Day vacation. As I was in California, I decided to do as the Californians do and visit an Indian reservation casino.

In many ways, it was similar to a smaller off-strip Vegas joint. It had a theme -- "ranch," complete with big fake silo. And it had gambling. Other than that, it was completely different.

I think I'm going to declare my internet research finished before it started. The answers I found were basically what I expected, and it all leads to a grand total of "who the hell knows." Here are the facts...

Somehow I've been invited to one of the gazillion Inaugural Balls. First of all, I don't understand why Bush has to be inaugurated again since, you know, he's already president. But also: Huh? Clearly they don't know me at all.

Also, on an only slightly related note, check out this blog.

Greetings from sunny San Diego. This is my first trip to California. Today I visited Los Angeles, which was uncharacteristically rainy. Better luck next time.

But that's not why I'm writing. I've run into something of an anomaly. You see, I brought several newly-aquired comic books on my trip, one of which is a copy of Marvel Team-Up #52, which I purchased for $3.50. Or so I thought.

Well, I mean, I did buy it for $3.50, definitely. But it's not MTU #52! Open it up, and it's a genuine copy of Spectacular Spider-Man #1, released the same month but worth about $40 more. My copy is some kind of printer's error, possibly one-of-a-kind, or possibly not. More internet research will be required.

Is my comic worth untold fortunes? Or just $45? Or was I ripped off at $3.50? Stay tuned to find out, Spider-fans.

You landed that $125 Wal-Mart gift card you saw on eBay.

And your winning bid was only $127.51.

I salute you.

(Side note: I have now blogged from four countries, thus earning my nerd merit badge.)

Looks like we're headed to Lethbridge, Alberta for some games of chance. My plan is to play blackjack for hours, and then ask the pit boss if they'll comp me some citizenship.

Happy Thanksgiving! We are in Montana now, where it is very very cold. So at this moment I'm thankful for central heating, my fuzzy slippers, and big soft piles of blankets. I'm also thankful that James' dad has adopted the world's cutest puppy, sure to keep me entertained all weekend.

And of course there are the usual things: James, parents, siblings, friends, Destiny's Child, diet Coke, my socks with the happy gingerbread men on them, potatoes. So have a great day, everybody, and if there's nothing else we can all be thankful that there are still two lovely Jude Law movies to go this season.

I'm watching Monday Night Football. New England Patriots cornerback Asante Samuel came down awkward while defending a late game pass. ABC treated us to a close-up shot of him writhing on the ground in pain, shrieking in Dolby Surround 2.0! (Oh well, at least Desperate Housewives is loving the free pub; it finished with its highest ratings of the season last week.)

While I'm complaining about football, how is it I can go a documented 10-5-1 against the spread this week, and finish in a four-way tie for fourth in our nine-person pool? Freakin' Liaps went a documented 12-3-1... inconceivable! And even Pinzur would have kept pace with me had he not foolishly chosen the Bears.

Easy week, I guess. We all should have gone to Vegas.

Somewhere in Chile...

U.S. officials said Chilean police had been chafing for a week about a demand by Secret Service agents that they control the president's space, even when he was on sovereign turf. Now, it was payback time.

In the fracas that ensued, amid a flurry of half nelsons, one Secret Service agent wound up jammed against a wall. "You're not stopping me! You're not stopping me! I'm with the president!" an unidentified agent can be heard yelling on videotape of the mayhem.

...

Then Bush either realized he was missing something, or he heard the commotion. The president, who is rarely alone, even in his own house, turned and walked back to the front door unaccompanied, facing the backs of a sea of dark suits. Bush, with his right hand, reached over the suits and pointed insistently at Trotta. At first the officials, with their backs to him and their heads in the rumble, did not realize it was the president intervening. Bush then braced himself against someone and lunged to retrieve the agent, who was still arguing with the Chileans. The shocked Chilean officials then released Trotta.

Trotta walked in behind Bush, who looked enormously pleased with himself. He was wearing the expression that some critics call a smirk, and his eyebrows shot up as if to wink at bystanders.

Bush adjusted his right cufflink and muttered something to Lagos, took the first lady's arm and headed into the dinner of grilled fish.

Question 2: Getting a raise, Dad?

That Pistons-Pacers fan-player mel?e in Detroit was awful. Although this shot from ESPN was kind of funny...

Actually, the whole thing reminded me of a hockey game Andrew and I attended in February 1995. My family was visiting me at Emory, so I picked up a pair of tickets to the Atlanta Knights-Cincinnati Cyclones game. The Knights were actually pretty good... they won several IHL titles, led primarily by Stan Drulia. But the best thing about their team was the mascot, "Sir Slapshot."

Sadly, I can't find any pictures of him on the Internets, but Sir Slapshot was basically constructed of the same material used in those giant inflatable moonbounce things that kids jump around in. He was a big, goofy, inflatable blimp of a knight. And, his arms were attached to his sides at his elbows. As a result, he could only move his forearms, giving him this odd Robbie the Robot waving-my-arms-around style.

So Andrew and I are enjoying the game, sitting in the lower level of the dearly departed Omni. In the middle of the game, I look over a few aisles to my right and see Sir Slapshot bounding down the aisle, toward the glass behind the visiting team bench, preparing to bang on it as hockey mascots often do. I also notice that the visiting team coach is leaning back on the glass, and I cringe as I watch him get knocked forward by the glass when Sir Slapshot bounces into it.

Then, as Andrew and I watched in horror, the coach climbed over the glass, bounded up the aisle, tackled Sir Slapshot, and started wailing on him with a series of right hooks! All the while, the poor mascot is pinned to the ground, flailing its too short arms about helplessly. Unbelievable. And one of the funniest things I've ever seen.

Coach and mascot were finally separated. The coach, Don Jackson, was suspended for 10 games, and footage of the incident made SportsCenter. And, as I recall, Sir Slapshot skated out before the third period wearing comically oversized bandages on his head, but otherwise none the worse for wear.

A good time was had by all.

furdell.com: Helping LiveJournalers cheat on their English papers since 2004!

OK, I'm not feeling enough love for Desperate Housewives up in here. It's like 90210? It's like Sex and the City? I could barely stand to watch either of those shows. I've even heard it described as American Beauty: The Series. Closer, but not quite.

DH (acronym? I'm so cool) is different; different enough that I'm shocked it's been able to pull in the top ratings spot every week. I fully expect this kind of show to get relegated to "cult" status, but its success is highly promising for the future of our society.

I will now expound on why I like it, using the Furdell Standardized Top Five List.

5. It's not really a "drama."

At least, not in the standard TV drama sense. It's more of a dark satire merged with a mystery. Kind of like a Twin Peaks that makes sense.

And the litmus test of whether a show is a "drama" is really whether I can watch it without being bored to tears. Although this could eventually turn into the type of show where the developments in the characters' lives become the focus, right now that's secondary to setting up comedic situations and furthering the various mysteries. Plus, it's satirical of how we try to inject drama into our own lives, no matter where we can find it.

4. The Sunset Blvd. Factor.

Yes, Sex and the City also had third-person narration. But this show is narrated by a dead woman. In fact, it's a woman who has killed herself, for reasons not yet divulged. Eat that, Billy Wilder!

From the first moments of the pilot, you know this is going to be a dark, quirky series.

3. Eva Longoria.

Wow, she's hot.

OK, in the interest of equal time, the girls would like you to know that Jesse Metcalfe, who plays Eva Longoria's gardening shorty, was named sexiest man on TV. And he did five years of hard time on our favorite soap opera, Passions. Bonus!

Mom should be posting a comment claiming that he looks like me in 3, 2, 1...

2. Martha Stewart, Interrupted.

Marcia Cross' performance absolutely destroys the Martha Stewart homemaker ethic. Her character (Bree Van de Kamp... hee!) has managed to expunge any hint of passion or spontanaiety from her life. She keeps an immaculate house and prepares way-fancy dinners every night... but doesn't seem to realize her family is on the verge of mutiny, even after her husband leaves her.

Plus, she's responsible for delivering what must be one of the greatest lines in TV history. Spoken at a dinner party as other characters are revealing humorous embarrassing things about themselves, Bree chimes in with: "Rex cries after he ejaculates." I laughed so hard I almost cried. It's just the perfect representation of a passive-agressive character crossing the line into agressive-agressiveness.

1. It made me like Teri Hatcher again.

Yeah, we had broken up. I had a crush on her during the first couple seasons of Lois and Clark, when she had this fabulous head of hair that seemed to have a life of its own; then she did the unthinkable by cutting it short. Was it a coincidence that the show started to suck right about then, getting stuck in Neverending Wedding Plotland? I think not.

Now, in DH, she's completely redeemed herself as the de facto star of the show. Hatcher is perfectly sympathetic as the klutzy, sad-sack divorc?e who does her best to avoid being stepped on, with only partial success. She's too dippy to keep from getting locked out of the house while naked, but shrewd enough to worm her way out of her neighbor's blackmail scheme; through all of it, she manages to stay eminently likable.

Plus, she's Teri Hatcher.

It's all good.

So, if you've cancelled this one, I recommend giving it another chance. You can even come over and watch it after dinner with me, Kimberly and "Staci". Good times.

And remember, I'M NEVER WRONG about this kind of thing. I'm talking to you, Andrew.

Oh, the drama.

An ABC-TV cross-promotion on "Monday Night Football" for the new series "Desperate Housewives" worked a little too well, so the network apologized all over itself yesterday.

ABC's intro to Eagles-Cowboys featured a naked Nicollette Sheridan, one of the "Housewives," jumping into the arms of Philly receiver Terrell Owens. Viewers and the NFL then jumped all over the network.

"We have heard from many of our viewers about the 'MNF' opening segment and we agree that the placement was inappropriate," ABC said in a statement.

The NFL called the intro "inappropriate and unsuitable for our 'Monday Night Football' audience."

Here we go again, with the complaints about nudity/sexual suggestiveness adjacent to football coverage. "Oh nooo, think of the children! They will be scarred for LIFE after seeing Nicolette Sheridan's NAKED BACK!" or something. (And don't forget the underexplored "white woman jumping into the arms of a black man" factor, which, in our backward-thinking nation, surely caused at least a portion of the complaints.)

This whole situation astounds me, considering the context: the three-hour orgy of violence known as Monday Night Football. Don't get me wrong, I love football. I even officiate at the high school level. But let's face it: it's an extremely violent sport. When we work games, we concentrate on safety issues in an effort to prevent players from incurring serious injuries. It's an uphill battle, because football fans tend glorify the big hits and revel in the roughness.

MNF has been the scene of some gruesome sights. The one I remember like a recurring nightmare was Napoleon McCallum's horrific knee injury during the first Monday night game of the season in 1994. I even remember where I was when I saw this -- in my freshman dorm room, watching with hallmates, who were similarly disturbed.

With the Raiders playing the San Francisco 49ers at Candlestick Park on Monday Night Football, McCallum took a handoff and ...

"I got the ball and just tried to run through the middle, and the whole line was stopped up," McCallum recalls. "There was a big pile and I tried to go forward, and (49ers linebacker) Ken Norton had my shoulders and he was trying to pull me back. I'm pushing forward, and he's pulling me back and something gave, and that was my knee."

It was a gruesome sight, and a worldwide audience witnessed it over and over on instant replay: McCallum's left knee had been contorted so badly that his lower leg looked to be dangling by a thread. Blood was quite visible.

EWWWW. It's 10 years later and I can't even think about that scene without getting a little queasy. And, of course, the producers kept showing the replay over and over and over... and I kept yelling, "Stop, stop, STOP! I no longer want to see that man's foot touching his own stomach!" (I'm just grateful McCallum's still able to walk, because it really looked like he was going to lose a leg.)

Even more famous is the hit Lawrence Taylor put on Joe Theismann in 1985, breaking Theismann's leg in two places, sending him to the hospital and ending his career. And, again, ABC kept replaying it and replaying it until the nation collectively vomited.

Now, you can argue that violence isn't the main reason we love football, and that everyone involved is properly shocked and somber when a player is injured. But then I would have to point you to this website, where you can buy an autographed photo of Lawrence Taylor, taken right as he's about to break Theisman's leg into three pieces. We, quite simply, glorify the violence.

And, we're willing to let our kids watch players' legs get separated from their bodies, but if the network shows a topless woman from the back... NOW the children watching are scarred for life? There's nothing harmful about boobies, people. Boobies never broke anyone's leg in two. Boobies never bent anyone's knee 45 degrees in the wrong direction. (Well, not that I'm aware of.)

Yes, I realize I live in a country where gay marriage is a hotter social issue than the thousands of people who have died in Iraq, and that this is just symptomatic of that same bizarre mode of thinking. We, as a nation, fear sex and love violence. And I just don't get it. Why isn't it the other way around? It should be the other way around.

(Desperate Housewives, by the way: great show. Highly recommended. We watch it every week with our lawyer friend "Staci".)

In New York City?s war on crime, the worst criminal offenders are pursued by the detectives of the Major Case squad. These are their stories.

DMMM DMMM.

The wife of a Marine who pleaded guilty to conspiring to have her husband killed while he was stationed in Kuwait has been sentenced to more than seven years in prison.

...

She acknowledged an affair with another Marine, Larry Framness, from November 2001 to May 2003, and admitted she and Framness conspired to kill her husband, James Houston Glass.

James Glass and Framness were deployed from Marine Corps Air Station-Yuma and sent to Ali Al Salem Air Base in Kuwait in early 2003. While there, Framness tried to kill Glass with a grenade after luring him to a guard shack, prosecutors said.

Life insurance pays off double if you get killed by a grenade. (I assume.)

It's official. I heart gangsta rap. James is probably hoping it's just a phase, but I think it's his fault for taking me to all those Redskins games where the players warmed up to Bone Crusher's "Never Scared." (Eastside!) Granted, I don't know what they're talking about half the time. But it's like going to the opera when you don't speak Italian -- you get the gist. In this case, I think the gist is either "I am very angry" or "I like T&A." Or both. Yeah, I think both. At any rate, it's great theater. I love Lil' Jon's disgusting gold teeth and his spewing champagne bottles and his incessant "yeah"-ing; I actually find it sweet when 50 Cent says "I love you like a fat kid loves cake;" and I will forever love Trick Daddy for combining two of my favorite things: rap and Crazy Train.

Don't worry, I'm aware that this doesn't actually make me at all cool.

Like I said, I'm making a more-or-less active effort to put politics behind me. Today I think I've made a huge step in that direction, when I realized something about myself:

I'm still way, way more upset that FOX cancelled Firefly two years ago, than that John Kerry lost.

I'm still not entirely sure that the differences between a Kerry presidency and the current ridiculousity would have a direct impact on my life. But I do know, with every fiber of my fibrous being, that I've missed out on multiple seasons of genre-blending, Joss Whedon-written, fantastic programming. And that disturbs and saddens me to no end.

Sure, the world has its Arrested Developments and its Scrubses, but what of the Fireflies of yesteryear, hmm? What am I supposed to do -- reread Jewel Staite's blog over and over until Serenity comes out in freaking April?!?! I might be dead by April. Plus, I've read that there's no plan to re-create the series even if the movie does well. (The best we can hope for is another two movies. Bah!)

There are those who say most Americans are retarded for voting the way they did this year.* But if you ask me, the biggest mistake our citizenry makes is passing on quality television.

* Note how I deftly snuck in my own opinion by sourcing it to "those who say." I learned it from watching you, the press!

It's my favorite college basketball event of the year: the Coaches vs. Cancer Classic!

Final score: Cancer 102, Coaches 100 in OT.

As you may or may not know, I am a Bad Movie Afficianado. I'm always on the lookout for the next Cool As Ice or Disco Godfather.

The best bad movies are bad from start to finish without letting up; they're fun to harmlessly mock; they serve as a reminder that, no matter how badly you mess something up, you're still not in any way responsible for producing From Justin to Kelly.

It seems to happen every so often; a studio spends a lot making a big movie, hoping it will be the next blockbuster, and for whatever reason, it just doesn't work. At all. And it's obvious, and there's no way to hide it. The more advertising and exposure the movie gets, the worse people think of it. Then the buzz just gets worse and worse, until finally the movie comes out, and nobody goes to see it.

Except me.

So far this decade (what IS this decade called, anyway?) we've had some great high profile stinkers: Glitter, Rollerball and Gigli probably being the most prominent.

And in the Realm of Bad Movies, of which I am King, there's... well, there's a lot of buzz around Son of the Mask. So far, based on the teaser and the trailer, it looks like the worst thing ever conceived by man.

If you saw Lord of the Rings III: Wrath of the Nerds in a theater, you may recall having seen the teaser before dozing off for three hours. It inexplicably features a poorly rendered computer generated baby, unconvincingly jumping up and dancing around. I seriously thought I was watching a preview for Ally McBeal Finally Goes Completely Fucking Crazy. Especially since nothing on the screen bore any resemblance to the likable original film.

In fact, neither of the then-up-and-coming players from that film (Jim Carrey, Cameron Diaz) are back for this sequel. If you're casting director, you clearly need a big name to replace Carrey. So they got Jamie Kennedy.

Yes, Jamie Kennedy, the star of... um... yeah. He was the geeky kid in Scream and had his own show on UPN for a while. Inexplicably, Malibu's Most Wanted didn't kill him off.

OK, fine, they're trying the up-and-comer route again (albeit with a talentless boob). But in the trailer, most of the focus seems to be on cartoon mischief between the poorly rendered inexplicably super-powered baby and a poorly rendered mask-wearing dog.

Seriously. What's up with the baby? Are there people out there who actually find these scenes funny?

"Oh-hoo, look Mabel! The baby's kicking that guy! That's adorable!"

"Aww, what's it doin' now... OHH, it's feet are runnin' without the rest of it!"

What a hoot.

Meanwhile, the otherwise likable Alan Cumming (Wyatt in Josie and the Pussycats and Nightcrawler in X2) looks uncomfortable as Loki, whom we all know from Thor comics as the Norse god of mischief.

Unfortunately, this movie may unleash ragnarok on his career.

So, all of this is funny and cringe-inducing enough. But then I read an interview with one of the movie's co-stars, Kal Penn (you may recall that he went to White Castle) that really... really... disturbed me. Seriously... this may keep me up at night.

?That?s a very over the top script,? Penn said. ?It was actually kind of fun to work on. It?s $100 million budget. I don't know how you spend $100 million, but I saw how you come close. It?s live action with a lot of animation and special effects in it. So every character is not one dimensional, but exaggerated. Jamie Kennedy plays The Mask and there are two or three guys that work at this animation studio with him, so I play this guy who is like an animator, special effects technician.?

Whoa, whoa whoa WHOA!

Whoa!

Back the truck up, Kumar!

One hundred million dollars?!?

That's what it cost to make this piece of crap?

Oy. Perhaps that money could have gone to better use... say, ending world hunger or something.

If that figure's accurate, and this movie flops as expected, then we're talking a monetary loss on the order of Andrew's favorite movie, The Adventures of Pluto Nash. That opus was made in 2000 at a cost of $100 million; it was released two years later and grossed just $4.4 million at the box office.

And yet, Son of the Mask could make that look like an unmitigated success.

Can't wait to see it!

Oops.

In other gambling news, I got 2nd place in a poker tournament this weekend, and I'm very proud. (Most of the players seemed new to the game and were pretty bad, but still -- achievement.) No interesting hands to report, but there was one intriguing new element that I hadn't seen before: a "bounty" side bet. If you take part in the side bet, your name is added to a list; when you knock someone on the list out of the tournament, they pay you $10 (and when one of them knocks you out, you pay them). There were 31 players in the tournament, and at least 22 were on the bounty list.

I abstained from the bounty for a couple of reasons. For one thing, even though $10 is small relative to the tournament prizes, psychologically players might feel more aggressive against other bounty-ers. Therefore, not being on the list might make people less apt to try to knock me out. (In practice, I don't think that was the case. Though players generally showed interest as to who was on the list, that never stopped them from trying to knock me out. Good for them -- that would have been stupid.)

More importantly, I abstained because of my tournament-playing style. Generally speaking, I don't knock a lot of people out personally. Whether this is good or bad, I can't say. But I think that's the best way to figure out if you should take part in these kinds of bets -- if you're the kind of player that knocks out a lot of opponents, you should obviously take part in the bet.

Hindsight bonus: had I gone on the bounty list, I would have broke even. I knocked out one bounty-er (who was happy to hear I wasn't on the list), and I was knocked out by the 1st place guy. So I guess it didn't matter. Hmm.

In last night's Browns-Ravens game, I had Baltimore's drug-running back Jamal Lewis going for me. I assumed he wouldn't be able to get me enough points to win, with about two minutes to go and Cleveland driving slowly for a touchdown.

Suddenly, Ravens safety Ed Reed, also on my team, intercepts a pass in the end zone and runs it back 106 yards for a touchdown, giving me just enough points for a win and possibly saving my season.

Another great moment... in fantasy football.

(Yes, I have started rooting for player stats over team results. I am a bad football fan. I fully admit it.)

I know you all will appreciate how they settled a tied election in White Pine County, Nevada. It's "the nuts!" [boing!]

I'm so happy; we actually got a Google hit for "how do you get spider webs out of the inside of a projection tv". Andrew, of course, already posted the solution!

(OK, granted, his solution was basically "open up the TV and remove the spider webs." But still, we're doing valuable community service here, people.)

Running my own website and blog is fun, but fighting the war on spam is a difficult one. Believe it or not, we have to fight off a lot of comment spam; they'll use the comment system to post about the latest drugs, porn, and... um... drug porn.

A lot of the spam shows up in old messages... I think the spammers are just trying to boost the Google ratings for their websites. There are a couple of counter-measures I've taken to stem the tide of crap.

1) I've installed MT-Blacklist, which prohibits comments based on specific strings of text. It can cause saving the comments to get a little slow, because it's checking to make sure there isn't any disallowed content. Other than that, it shouldn't trip anybody up, unless your first name is Levitra.

2) I've also installed the MT-CloseComments plugin. Comments on all entries will now close 10 days after being posted (once the entry falls off the front page). This shouldn't be a big deal, since if you do comment on something that old, nobody was going to see it anyway.

We don't even get all that much traffic (about 150 visits per day, mostly friends), so I can't imagine how much of a headache this must be for people with blogs that people actually, you know, read.

Figuring out how to get MT-CloseComments to work was tricky, so I'll detail that here in case any other intrepid Movable Type users need the technical info.

I agree with Liaps: this is not the end of the world. However, it may be the end of my interest in politics. Politics, for me, has been an excercise in impotence all along.

Though I failed to vote in the 2000 election, as a Florida voter it does not escape me that my vote would never have counted anyway -- I'm not on the Supreme Court. It was these events, which I perceived as an affront to America's very self-governing system, that made me interested in politics.

When thousands of Americans died in September 2001, I struggled to understand the sudden outpouring of goodwill for Now-Actually-President Bush, who didn't seem to be doing all that much to me, and who I at least partly blamed for our nation's greatest defense failure.

When Bush geared up for war in Iraq, it was clear to me that he did so maliciously. I became convinced that the administration's evidence for WMD was at best mistaken, and at worst forged. I took part in all these different demonstrations and marches and sit-ins and pow-wows. I tried to convince anyone that would listen that war was not the answer, that weapons might not exist, that Iraq posed no threat. Nobody listened to me and my liberal rantings. On invasion day, it was all for nothing.

And now, this. Anyone who bothered to educate themselves on the subject would have known that Bush does not belong in the White House. He's made mistake after mistake, made our lives and our lifestyles less and less secure, and turned us further against each other. Voting for Kerry should have been a no-brainer. But instead, the majority of Americans voted for "more of the same."

It's obvious to me that this election had nothing to do with policies or track records or moral strength. It was all spin, and Republicans have Democrats powerfully outspun. I'm disappointed that so many are so easily fooled. I shouldn't be surprised, but I expected more. What an idiot I've been.

I think I was happier four years ago. Today I feel demoralized and defeated, and I think all the thought and interest that I put into this election was a total waste. But why should I have ever cared? So the courts decided the 2000 election -- it was just Coke vs. Pepsi anyway. So some buildings fell in New York -- hell, I've never even been to New York. So some brown people and some white kids died in the desert thousands of miles away. That has nothing to do with me.

So there it is. I'm not interested in politics anymore, and it's a load off my back. Keep turning, world. Keep burning, bed. Nuke the polar ice caps and exile the homosexuals. I'm totally okay with that.

This is surely how I'll be feeling. Once I'm able to sleep again.

Even moving to Canada won't be as easy as I thought. Man, nothing is going right today!

I realize that "you people" probably don't read this blog, but I'm going to direct my comments at them anyway. I have a really, really important exam on Friday that I should be studying for instead of doing this. However, most of my energy is going toward trying not to break into hysterical sobs, so there's not much left over for thinking about the finer points of education production functions. So, people who voted for Bush, give yourselves a round of applause and then take turns slapping each other upside the head, 'cause here's what you really voted for.

Think this hurricane season was bad? Just you wait. With four more years of environmental decimation awaiting us, and increasing evidence (no, not speculation, evidence) of the very real dangers of global warming, I can only conclude that Bush voters are tired of this planet and are looking forward to living on Mars. Even if we started right this second putting all our efforts into reversing all the damage we've done, it would take a generation, at least, to see any kind of turnaround. Who knows how much worse things can get in four years. But hey, what's life without risk?

Democracy? Hell no. Theocracy is WAY better. Your religion tells you abortion is wrong? Legislate it. God cries when gay people get married? Make it the law that they can't. Alabama: "OK, Mississippi. We see your gay marriage amendment, and we raise you one Ten Commandments monument on every piece of county and state property." Georgia: "Well played, Alabama. Well played. We see your monuments AND your constitutionally-mandated bigotry, and we raise you one ban on teaching evolution in schools."

The draft. Yes, I said the draft. I know everyone says they don't want a draft, and that Congress even put up the draft straw man just so they could knock it down. But what happens when we finally admit that we have to do something about North Korea and/or Iran, who (surprise, surprise) didn't respond to our show of force in Iraq by backing down but rather by making sure they had a way to fight back in the event we turn our sights on them, but we're still tied up in Iraq?

The collapse of the American economy. Say so long to whatever competitive advantage we have left. The current level of deficit spending is not sustainable. It's just not. The dollar will collapse, we will no longer be able to borrow to maintain our current spending levels, and I think we all know that it's not defense spending that will be cut. So to those of you who think you can judge the greatness of a country based on how it treats its poorest citizens, you might want to move to Canada. Or Iraq. I hear they'll have universal health care.

I could go on forever, but having this much bitterness is exhausting and I need a nap. If anyone would like to add to this list and address things I didn't get to (civil liberties, judicial stacking, the possibilities are endless) please do.

Looks like I won't be rubbing anything in anyone's face any time soon. I'm going to hold onto hope, but there's not much left to hold onto.

How did this happen? Kerry won all the debates. Bush has been doing a terrible job on pretty much all fronts. I can't even comprehend a Bush vote, let alone a Bush victory, and yet...

Well, I guess the people have spoken.

...for being optimistic... that never pays off. Looks like Bush is going to win after carrying Florida and Ohio.

Meanwhile, Mr. Pinzur wins the Instapundit challenge. I'll be in touch after you're through covering all the recounts.

BOSTON, Massachusetts (AP) -- Sen. John Kerry is still working to get out the vote.

Kerry arrived in Boston in time to vote about midday Tuesday after spending the morning handing out materials in Wisconsin.

"Tell you the truth, the truck is, uh, you know, the most important thing for me," Kerry said. "I... I don't really... it doesn't matter if I, uh, become the president or anything. That's, that's not the most important... I... I need the truck."

Over the top, John!

</worst photoshop ever>

Looks like our old favorite frat from Emory is in for some possible double-secret expulsion.

Pike President Lee Brodsky said the fraternity is being reviewed because of ?a frequency of incidents? involving underage drinking and violence.

Not Pi Kappa Alpha! I am shocked. They were always so committed to community service. (And, by "community service", I mean, you know, date rape and so on.)

A while back, when I was writing about Action Jackson, I promised I would write about the Most Mediocre Movie Ever. And here it is...

It's Leviathan.

Leviathan.

Thank you.

[...]

Well, it's just about Zero Hour, and I'm in heavily-Republican Jacksonville, Florida, waiting to cast my vote tomorrow. I plan to get up super-early, vote, and drive like hell. Then I'll watch the whole debacle on my honkin'-sized television with a good bottle of wine (or three) at my side.

I like to make predictions that later come true, so that I can hold it over everyone afterwards. That said, I predict that John Kerry will win tomorrow, and that it won't be as close as people think it will (either popular-vote-wise OR electoral-college-wise). I think the minor glitches in polling -- each of which seems to indicate an undue Bush-ward slant in the polls -- add up to a more decisive Kerry lead than anyone realizes.

Maybe I'm just saying that because most pollsters would consider me an unlikely voter, and because they wouldn't reach me anyway since I have no landline phone -- but you heard it here first. Kerry will win tomorrow, and I will rub it in all of your faces. And if you don't think I'm that kind of guy, well -- you just don't know me well enough.