December 2004 Archives

You still don't get it, do you? He'll find your Honey Nut Clusters cereal. That's what he does. THAT'S ALL HE DOES!

More strange breaksfast cereal mascots here.

And so is Andrew. THANKS, ANDREW!

Whoa! Vacations can really cause a blog to atrophy.

So, as the 2wenty no doubt informed you, NBC is coming out with a new show called Medium, starring Dream Warrior Patricia Arquette as real-life fraud Allison DuBois, or a reasonable facsimile thereof. Hmm, she kind of looks like a televangelist.

Ah, but she's much more evil than your run-of-the-mill televangelist! This woman charges people to talk to their dead relatives. Yeah, yeah, so does everybody. But come on -- she gets a whole TV show based on her? The hell? She doesn't even have enough supernatural powers to put together a halfway decent website.

Sadly, DuBois used her amazing gifts to peer into the future and see that James Randi is totally lying about the existance of a $1 million prize to anyone who can prove a supernatural claim. (Never mind that he's provided proof on more than one occasion, and agreed to put the money in escrow for Larry King favorite Sylvia Brown. Yes, Larry King has these idiots on his show all the time, because it boosts ratings, even though their best trick is figuring out you know someone living or dead whose name starts with "J" or "S".) (Read that last link through if you have time, it's hilarious.)

OK, so, I like James Randi more than the next guy, but his latest challenge to Allison DuBois is completely senseless. He says that, according to the rules of the million dollar prize, DuBois can claim that prize by proving it doesn't exist (or by proving her claim that Randi has never provided proof of the prize's existance). Ummm...Randi? Claim what exactly? She'd have to prove it doesn't exist, man!

In conclusion, I suspect James and Kimberly will not be setting their newly acquired X-Mas Tivo to record Medium. Thumbs...down. Thumbs down thumbs down.

Happy birthday to my brother, who today celebrates his one zillionth birthday. Whereas just yesterday I was able to have a conversation with him, now it seems like our vast age difference has caused a huge gulf between us. Whereas I retain my youth and all the good looks that go with it, James saves coupons and smells the medicine he takes from boxes that remind him what day of the week it is. But we love him just the same!

Overrated-artist-turned-abysmal-writer Todd McFarlane, formerly of way more wealth than he deserved, is now bankrupt after losing a $15M court battle.

McFarlane's inexplicable popularity in the early 1990s led to an overall decline in quality of comic books as publishers realized they didn't need good stories or art to sell comics, so much as variant covers and the promise of future collectibility. McFarlane's Spawn #1, worth $60 shortly after its initial release, is now less valuable than toilet paper. (And toilet paper is more interesting.)

Furdell.com laughs at Todd McFarlane's pain! Ho ho ho!

With my eleven free movie passes, the theatre was my oyster. I could see any movie I wanted. There was just one problem: all movies suck. Well, that's not really the problem. It did trouble me that, of the two movies I was vaguely interested in, one was a sequel to a remake, and the other was the second sequel to an adaptation of a very lame comic book.

In the end, I opted to see the one that nobody else would see with me -- Blade: Trinity. Why it has "Trinity" in the title, I do not know. Assessment: Pretty good. I had very low expectations for Blade, being as it was based on a truly godawful comic book character with no popularity to speak of, but that movie turned out to be awesome. I then had raised exectations for Blade II, which was completely awful. So, my expectations were once again way, way low for the latest installment, which perhaps led to my liking it.

Unfortunately, you didn't see it with me. However, using technology and science, you can see it with me! Just print out the following handy guide to Things I Would Have Said in a Loud Voice During the Film, and read it to yourself during key scenes. It'll be like having me right there with you. Awesome!

More than Kimberly ever wanted to know about Green Arrow:

Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4

Never leave your wingman.

Be advised, TiVo users (i.e. Andrew and Staci): you're no longer allowed to say "I TiVoed my favorite show last night."

"Trademarks are always proper adjectives," the legal pedagogy at TiVo.com instructs. They are also "always singular."

"Correct: I want two TiVo DVR's," the site dictates. "Incorrect: I want two TiVos."

This implies that TiVo, in addition to not being a verb, must never be a noun.

I expect you to adjust your conversations accordingly.

Yesterday I attended a free sneak preview showing of Jude Law's A Series of Old Jim Carrey Acts Brought to You By AFLAC. (IMDB is not whistling Dixie when it lists, among the cast, Gilbert Gottfried as the AFLAC duck.)

This movie's got something for everyone. Small children will enjoy the Home Alone-esque antics of Sunny, the baby who bites things a lot and communicates via subtitles; old men will enjoy lusting after a 16-year-old girl:

Actually, the movie had a healthy dose of darkness and was certainly salvageable. Unfortunately -- hmm -- right before Jim Carrey was about to do away with Meryl Streep (WARNING: That was a spoiler! HAHAHAHA), the theatre experienced some technical difficulties, and the film stopped. I spent the next half hour or so egging on a bunch of unruly kids, which was great fun. It occured to me that, with an army of small children, I would be unstoppable. Who's gonna shoot little kids? Even with riot gear? I mean, come on.

Julia, my mysterious girlfriend who I usually avoid blogging about (hi Jules!), went to check on the other theatre, which was working fine. Should have gone with theatre "5" instead of "4." (Note: in the beginning of the movie, Jude Law tells us that we could see a much more pleasant and nicey-nice movie in theatre 2; little did he know that's where they were playing Blade: Trinity.) On the way back, an usher had given Julia two free tickets to compensate for our sad, wasted experience.

This came as a surprise to me, since we had gotten in free in the first place. But I'm not one to look a coveted AMC Readmittance Pass in the mouth. So, on the way out, I made sure to get two free tickets as well, from a different usher. Then Julia caught up with me.

"Did you get two free tickets?" said I. "Oh, wait a sec." She ran back in and got two more passes, bringing our total up to six. We felt very naughty.

Walking down the hall to the exit, we contemplated hopping to Ocean's 12 on a nearby screen, but decided against it. Obviously, God smiled upon our good deed (or more accurately, lack of bad deed just then), because there was yet another woman giving out free passes to irked parents on the way out. I stood in line, ready to get another two passes.

"How many in your party?" "Two," said some guy. Following the lead of those around me, I held out two fingers to speed the process along. "Three," said some old lady. "Well, there were five of us, but I'll just take three. I don't want to get greedy," said some completely stupid, even older lady. "No, no, I insist," insisted usher lady. Then she turned to me. "There were five of us." The guy next to me chuckled. If the usher suspected anything, she was too busy to care; she didn't even separate the last five passes of the book, she gave me the whole thing.

So, there you have it: while the movie isn't great, seeing it could lead to massive profits. I recommend!

I was so glad to find out today that the Hallmark Channel was airing A Carol Christmas, which is apparently a TV movie from last year, with Tori Spelling in the Scrooge role. (Ms. Spelling, of course, known best in our household for the best-titled movie ever, Mother, May I Sleep With Danger?) The movie also features Gary Coleman as the Ghost of Christmas Past, William Shatner as the Ghost of Christmas Present, and, I'm guessing, Tom Wopat at the Ghost of Christmas Future.

It's a good thing they made this movie, because If there's one thing TV doesn't have enough of, it's variations on A Christmas Carol. Seriously, I think there's some kind of TV law requiring all shows to do a Christmas Carol themed episode at least one during their run.

It'll be all like, "Oh no, Tootie has lost the Christmas spirit! But here's Jo as the Ghost of Christmas Past to show her where she went astray!" Or maybe, "Oh no, ALF has lost the Christmas spirit! But here's Willie Tanner as the Ghost of Christmas Past to show him where he went astray! 'Oh Alllf, why did you eat the caaat? In the paaast?'" And you know what, I could have just made up that episode in my head, and nobody would know, because seemingly every show on the air is contractually obligated to do one of these episodes.

Now if you'll excuse me, I've been told to expect the cast of 21 Jump Street every hour on the hour. Damn I hate Christmas.

My thanks to Jeremy for identifying Zoolander and Eight Crazy Nights as Robot Dance movies. (That's movies that use the robot breakdancing technique as shorthand for "this character is a retard," or sometimes "hey! look! it's the robot dance -- that's funny, right? laugh oh god please laugh or I'll never work in Hollywood again.")

For a brief, shining moment, both the Robot Dance and Smashmouth lists stood tall with 10 movies each -- until I discovered two more Smashmouth movies. (That's movies whose soundtracks feature the bland, overplayed pop that only Smashmouth can provide.) But still, 10 robot movies ought to be enough for us to all finally admit that the joke is over. It just...isn't...funny.

Hmm, I guess I didn't notice the Smashmouth song in The Sweetest Thing because I was busy wretching. Just thinking about that movie makes me a little ill. Actually I'm kind of surprised there wasn't robot dancing in that one.

Luckily, the Onion AV club watched America's Heart & Soul so I didn't have to.

Hey now! I'm an all-star! Get my game on! So catchy and inoffensive!!! Let's put it in all our movies!!!! Hooray for Smashmouth!!!!!

When Kimberly visited the ATL recently, she logged onto Amazon.com and forgot to log out. I was too lazy to do anything about it until I actually had to buy something, quite a while later.

In retrospect, I should have acted sooner. Or maybe she really did put the Rocky anthology in her wish list. I guess there's no way to know for sure.

Yup, that's what Kimberly wants all right -- Sylvester Stallone, and Alanis Morisette. Makes perfect sense.

Guts...
Guts and might...
Liftin' weights and feelin' all right!

It's a showdown...
Going downtown
You're gonna mess around...
Showdown...
Put your nose down...
SHOW-DOWN!

Kimberly, "Staci" and I went to the BB&T Classic college basketball tournament at MCI Center in D.C. We milked Kimberly's George Washington student tickets a bunch the last two years, and had a lot of fun hanging in the rowdy, standing-room only student section. She snagged us some tickets to to the final round of the tournament on Sunday.

We got there early to catch the consolation game between George Mason and Michigan State. I noticed that there were a bunch of NBA scouts sitting nearby in our section; one from Toronto, one from Charlotte, and four or five others. They were taking sporadic notes on some of the more prolific players.

Later on, we're watching GW-Maryland, the championship game. It's a great game, very close all through the first half. I'm having fun, jumping up and down in the front of all the students. I'm wearing my blue Skechers sneakers (I'm trying to skew to a younger demographic), my favorite tan sweater, and a gray Colonials T-shirt over that. Oh, and the coup de grace: a goofy black Colonials hat, which I actually acquired at last year's BB&T Classic. I don't have a picture of it, but it's basically a cheap version of this:

Suddenly, one of the MCI Center employees ("Seth!") approaches me, and asks me if I want to compete in the JetBlue on-court promotion, in which you have to make a bunch of shots to win two free JetBlue tickets.

The key here, is, of course, that you have to do it in front of about 15,000 people.

And, the risk of accepting such a challenge is embarrassing one's self, and permanently shaming one's wife in front of a big crowd of merciless college hoops fans.

I, of course said yes.

My biggest dilemma, as I waited for them to bring me down to the court near the end of halftime, was whether to keep on the goofy colonial hat (I went with yes). I was concerned that, when I inevitably started throwing up bricks and airballs, that the (thousands of) Maryland fans in attendance would start booing, and I wouldn't hear the end of it.

The Terps made a run to cut GW's lead to one, right before the first TV time out of the half. Then, as they walked me out on to the court, the first thing I noticed was that the hoop seems much, much higher when you're on the court than when you're sitting at a higher level. I felt very short. But, I kept thinking back to the last time I had shot a basketball, which was last summer at the Y, and hoped that my arms could recall how to do it properly. I also remembered that I never seemed to be able to sink a damn thing in any of the pick-up games I had played.

They had a few circles on the court from where I had to shoot. Two layups, one from each side of the basket; one just shy of the free throw line; one just shy of the three-point line at the top of the key; and then a big rectangle marked "JetBlue", a good distance away and at a 45-degree angle from the hoop, definitely in NBA 3-point territory. All this in 45 seconds.

I had talked with the organizers about the young woman from George Mason who had participated in the same contest during the earlier game of the doubleheader. She had managed to sink the first four shots to move her out to the long NBA three, but she just didn't have the arm strength to get it anywhere near the hoop. They had been shouting at her to try it underhanded, but she just didn't, and she couldn't manage to get a good shot from that distance.

I gave a quick wave to Kimberly and "Staci" and got set for the first layup.

"Are you ready, James?" said the PA announcer. I nodded. "3... 2... 1... GO!!!"

...

Whew! Isn't this a great story?

...

Either I just missed coverage of this referendum, or it took a back seat to all the coverage of the anti-gay marriage referenda, but today's Washington Post reports: "Vote to Keep Segregation in Ala. Charter Is Verified." (Registration required, I think.) It comes as no surprise to me that people in Alabama are bigoted, but I am still dumbfounded by this. The margin of victory on the measure was less than two-tenths of a percent, but that still means that half of voting Alabamans voted to keep language in their state constitution that requires segregated schools and poll taxes.

Supposedly the reason so many people voted against the measure is because it "also would have removed language that said there is no constitutional right to an education at public expense in Alabama." That sure does explain a lot about the quality of education in Alabama. It is stunning to me that in this era of "No Child Left Behind" rhetoric there are children who have no constitutional right to an education. And that people are willing to vote for blatantly racist policies in order to protect this state of affairs.

These two things may actually go hand in hand. Nothing fuels racism like ignorance, and about 650,000 Alabamans have just voted to hold fast to both.

Apparently, ABC's running a sappy Hallmark movie this Sunday called Mitch Albom's The Five People You Meet In Heaven. (Nice that they got a celebrity endorsement for it.) Jon Voight looks senile and confused standing next to an inexplicably blue Jeff Daniels:

Um, yeah. What I need is a way to anti-watch this. I don't mean just the opposite of watching something, which is to not watch it. I need, like, the super-opposite of watching it. For example: if you watch half of a movie, you've seen 50%. If you don't watch it, you've seen 0%. I need a way to watch a negative percentage of this movie, if possible. I must break the 0%-watched barrier. If there are any quantum physicists out there who can help me with this, please contact me immediately.

I did indeed add some fun stuff to the blog here. We now have the poll question, which I will regret creating in about four months when I can no longer think of anything funny to put there. There's also the brand new Mega-Doppler 8000, which doesn't actually use radar, but does show you the weather where we are. And I figured out how to get the calendar to highlight the current date, which will help remind me to pay the rent. (Oops, that would be now.)

Doing this was all very complicated, and required mastery of such things as cron! PHP! And MySQL! Yeah, you don't wanna know.