March 31, 2005
You probably weren't wondering
I was, in fact, not called for jury duty. So my silence this week has nothing to do with the high-profile triple-murder trial that started on Monday in Jacksonville. And, of course, if I was involved in that trial, I certainly couldn't tell you about it. So I could be lying.
Actually I didn't even have to show up; they didn't need my jury group. (Lucky them -- I was planning on instituting a strict "not guilty" policy.) I do have a nice new speeding ticket to show for my efforts, though. And, after about six hours of uninterrupted talk radio, I can say with some authority that liberals want to starve your wife to death next. I thought about it, and...it's true! I want your wife to starve to death. Whoever you are.
March 25, 2005
March 24, 2005
Wing hits the big time... and you were prepared!
The most recent South Park episode featured the music of Wing, which I posted about, like, a long time ago.
Pay attention, people! We're on top of things up in here.
Terri Schiavo's Ultimate Irony
JULIA
(my girlfriend, duh)
Yeah, wasn't it an accident or something?
ME
No. She had a heart attack because she didn't have enough potassium, which was in turn because of bulimia. So bulimia made her like this.
JULIA
And now they've taken out her feeding tube!
ME
It is what she wanted! We've solved the mystery.
March 23, 2005
Furdell.com: Trial By Jury
I'll be in Jacksonville next week to, for the first time ever, appear for jury duty. Yup, that's what I get for voting. What was I thinking?
I know what you're thinking, because it's exactly what everyone says: "Why don't you just tell them you don't live there anymore? They'll let you off the hook." Well, smartass, I didn't tell them that because I wanted them to believe I was still a Florida resident, in the hopes that FSU, upon accepting me to their film school, would charge me a smaller tuition. Of course, hindsight was 20/20 on Saturday when I received the FSU rejection letter.
So jury duty, here I come. I may have no future, but at least I can make sure someone else suffers, too.
March 22, 2005
Liveblogging SBSA
Bad news: the basketball must have run long, and I only got the first 90 minutes or so of SBSA. I'll have to miss out on the surely wild and unpredictable climax.
But here's what I have anyway.
SPRING BREAK SHARK ATTAAAAAAAACK!
0:01 - Some women just got eaten. Time it took for the movie to rip off a camera shot from Jaws (specifically, the shark-POV "hey, there are some dangling legs to eat" shot): one minute.
0:03 - We're showing some girls talking on the phone. One of them says: "If [the rumors] were true, I'd line him up spread eagle and kick him square in hislutzsch." Yes, it sounds as weird as it looks. I think they tried at the last minute to expunge the word "nuts" from that sentence, maybe by playing it backwards or something. Thanks again, FCC.
0:04 - The executive producer is "J.J. Jamieson." Surely he's using the profits from this film to go after that awful Spider-Man.
0:05 - The party is rockin' at "Seagull Beach!" Somewhere around Miami. Oooh, and there's a guy reading the "Seagull Beach Sun" newspaper. I think that's the one Pinzur writes for.
0:07 - Which one is "The OC's Shannon Lucia?" I have no idea. Uh-oh, makeover montage scene! Here, try on this floppy hat while dance music plays on the soundtrack.
0:08 - First Jell-O wrestling shot of the film. Nice mise en scene there.
0:09 - Uh-oh, there's talk of losing one's virginity. Not a good thing to do in this kind of movie.
0:10 - "I'll meet you guys back here in a half." A half? As in, half an hour? I need to start using that. I'm too lazy to actually complete my sentences anymore.
0:11 - This guy couldn't be any more Australian. I think he might be the bad guy... he was fighting "the reef" at the local city council meeting. You have to watch out for those city-council guys. Oh, and here's "Shane," the poor man's James Van Der Beek. My college roommates used to watch Dawson's Creek all the time. And 7th Heaven. That was weird, guys.
0:13 - Uh-oh, the reef is going to cause an eco-disaster-something. They've messed with nature, according to marine biologist Charlie. But Charlie's professor tells him to forget it, and "get jiggy with it." This movie may have been sitting around in a vault for a while.
0:15 - It's high time some sharks started tearing the hell out of these pretty people. Where are those sharks? They're late, dammit.
0:16 - More awkward virginity talk. They're shoehorning it into the script to appeal to the FCC. "Not enough virgins in your movies last year, CBS!"
0:18 - Come on, movie. I was promised a Spring Break Shark Attack. You're showing me people dancing in a club. On land. Unless the sharks learned to walk... oh wait, I hope they did. Maybe they're genetically engineered to walk into a bar and order a Tanqueray and cranberry. That's what I would do if I were a walking shark.
0:20 - Maybe this is supposed to be extending the "guys as shark" metaphor first suggested by the dad in the first couple minutes. Uh-oh, slowwww song time! Side-to-side middle-school dance technique GO!
0:22 - OK, here we go. Boogie-boarding at night. Guy: "What happens in Spring Break stays in Spring Break!" Girl: "I thought that was Vegas." These people are begging to be eaten.
0:24 - Oh man, this is awful. The main whats-her-name girl is flirting with Shane, the local guy who "isn't into the Spring Break scene." We've been in a bookstore watching them get close for the last, what, hour?
0:25 - Finally, back to the boogie boarding buffet. "What was that? Something touched my leg!" "Yeah right! 'Glug glug glug'... real funny! Hey, come up now! Hey!" Aaaaand... CUE BLOOD SPRAY!!!111 UAAYEAHAHA sharks!
0:26 - "SPRING BREAK SHARK ATTACK! Sponsored by Imitrex." I love CBS.
0:31 - Danielle is the marine biologist's sister. He has a "shark pod" that generates electical pulses to keep sharks away. I doubt that will in any way figure into the story later.
0:38 - The girls put together a party, but too many people showed up uninvited and made it crazy. Does that only happen on TV? Anytime someone throws a party it gets out of control. I wish people would crash my parties. I wish I had parties.
0:40 - Somebody was using the camcorder to do Girls Gone Wild. But just as the subject is about to take off her top, he points the camera at his own face and laughs! You've got a lot to learn about your audience, dude. That is not good mise en scene.
0:42 - Danielle is about to get some Date Rape Drugs in her drink. (Is it Imitrex?) They really shouldn't sell those over the counter. And now she's all disoriented. Weren't expecting to "lose it" this way, were you Danielle?
0:49 - Wow, this movie may have been written by Mormons. So far there have been scant few shark attacks. It's more about the perils of Spring Break when you're trying to stay a virgin. Fortunately, the sweet guy who lives there and drives a boat and wants to save up for college to be an engineer, Shane, is helping her out.
0:52 - Dammit, there should have already been a full-scale shark attack, and the humans should have already retaliated with bazookas. Instead we get this "very special episode of My Two Dads" crap. Ugh, Danielle just called her dad because she's all scared. He didn't know she was in Florida. Perhaps... he will be eaten... by the sharks? I'm hopeful.
0:54 - Uh-oh, that guy who drugged Danielle is going after her. Somebody's goin' a date-rapin'. Unconscious chicks are indeed hot. Cue ominous music!
0:55 - Oops, Shane walked in. "What's up man, I was just... checkin' on her stuff." Ewww. "Checking on her stuff," indeed. You're one step away from necrophilia, buddy. Way to go.
0:57 - Danielle is confused but feeling better. "Do you think someone could have slipped you something?" "Like what?" Um, like penis?
0:58 - Australian guy is throwing bloody chunks of stuff into the water. Throw some more-uh, chum on the barbie! That will... teach them... to build that reef? God, Australians are so stupid.
0:59 - Boat trip time! "Going out on the water is going to be so much fun." But it's a gay cruise?!
1:00 - Danielle's dad found her. "You don't control me!" says Danielle. That showed him.
1:02 - Shane noticed some blood in the water. Get back in the boat! Be sure to splash around as much as possible as you do so!
1:04 - "Danielle, SHARKS!"
1:11 - Danielle made it back OK. Whew. But the sharks decided to eat the boat for some reason. Boats are tasty?
1:12 - The boat is falling apart, and everybody except Shane is panicking and freaking out. He's calmly fixing the boat and telling people what to do. I feel your pain, buddy.
1:15 - Uh-oh, Danielle found J.T.'s Date Rape Drugs. Which is also tonight's sponsor! Side effects include nausea, and being raped.
1:23 - The kids escaped to an island. Lord of the Flies sure to ensue. "Sucks to your ass-mar!"
1:24 - Sure enough, Shane is fighting J.T. "This is messed up, man."
1:26 - A dead eaten guy just washed ashore on Mystery Island. Ruh-oh! It was actually somewhat effective until they zoomed in on the poor latex job.
Yeah, I think that's all TiVo got. But here's all you need to know about the rest of the movie, as described by LiAps:
I don't wanna ruin it for you, but I recommend you pay particular attention at the end when the guy is trawling a chum-laden metal cage behind the boat and spends about 10 minutes yeling at the sharks, "You hungry, sharks? You want somethin ta eat? Come on - Come 'n get it, sharks! You hungry?" etc.
That sounds pretty hilarious. They were already stretching the plot pretty thin as it was, so I can imagine the filmmakers including every single take they filmed in order to pad it up to two hours.
Let's just say I'm not expecting to find too many deleted scenes on the DVD, coming out this never.
March 21, 2005
The best TV movie ever made
Yes, I have TiVoed Spring Break Shark Attack. Or, as those of us in the business call it, SBSA.
No, I haven't watched it yet, but a review has been requested, and will be forthcoming. In the meantime, here's a picture.
Ohhh, look out, chicks in bikinis. There are some sharks behind you.
My bracket is toast
Yes, so much for this year. None of my upsets came in, and I didn't pick any of the ones that actually happened. So, the usual. DAMN YOU SMARCH MADNESS!
But I have to give props to Boise State. They weren't in the tournament, but they were hosting some first round games. And, as you might expect from the school with the blue football field, their court is just as flamboyantly cool:
Another favorite: the Cleveland State Vikings, whose mascot looks like an anthropomorphized pickle. Um, with a sword.
March 18, 2005
Six-Panel Movies Presents...The Book of Mormon Movie Comic Strip
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No, really.
March 17, 2005
Blarney blarney blarney!
Saints and begorrah! It's St. Patty's Day already. And since me brother 'nd I are each 1/8 Irish, we both feel a strong sense o' heritage this time o' Smarch.
Celebrate the massacre of the pagans...with beer!
March 16, 2005
Happy birthday to our friend "Staci"
For her birthday, I reminded her about the Mr. T cartoon show, in which Mr. T coaches a team of multiethnic gymnasts and fights crime. Really.
March 9, 2005
The candies, guv! Don't eat the candies!
From the Philippines, a tragic case of food poisoning, and a tragicker case of stupidity.
Nearly 30 elementary school children in the Philippines have died after eating fried cassava balls obtained from a vendor, a local official told CNN.
[...]
The vendor who sold the cassava balls insisted nothing was wrong with them and ate a few to prove the point. Now she, too, is in critical condition.
That really shouldn't be funny. But somehow, it is.
March 8, 2005
So it's come to this
It's become obvious to me that I've been working from home for too long. I should have seen the warning signs, but I was blissfully oblivious. I have a pair of pajama pants that I refer to as my "daytime jammies" -- that should have told me something. But I could no longer ignore the sad truth after catching a glimpse of myself reflected in the TV this morning. I was, of course, wearing my daytime jammies, which are hideous and hot pink- and orange-striped. I was also wearing an eye mask, the kind you put in the fridge and then wear to reduce eye puffiness. The mask is green and shaped like two flowers with nickel-sized holes in the centers to see through, and it attaches in the back via velcro -- very fashionable. I was holding my elbow and wincing, because two nickel-sized holes in a mask filled with green goo does not make for good peripheral vision, and I had just had an unfortunate collision with the bookcase. All these things would be enough to make anyone look ridiculous. But what really made me examine my life was that I was wearing a potholder. On my head. It had chickens on it. I could tell you why, and it might even sort of make sense. I could even point out that it was green, so at least it matched my stylin' eye mask. But that would be beside the point. The fact is that I am now comfortable spending part of my day wearing a potholder. On my head. I think I need help.
March 4, 2005
Worst... weatherman... ever
We've had a lot of complaints about inaccurate weather predictions in Washington. But it could be worse, as this painful-to-watch video shows.
March 3, 2005
Poker: So Two Years Ago
I stopped attending my regular game a few weeks ago. I've been focusing on things other than poker lately, so I hadn't been studying, and I started to lose. I don't think that's the main reason I stopped, though. The main reason is that the people aren't cool anymore. It was fine when it was just everyone who had seen Rounders, but now it's everyone who's seen the Travel Channel, and for some reason that crowd just isn't any fun. With these people, it's all about money. There's none of the comraderie I want from my social outlet of choice.
There was another reason to quit, of course, but I hadn't been taking it seriously until now. A prominent game was held up at gunpoint a few months back.
This kind of crime is a no-brainer, and I had been wondering why nobody was doing it for years. There are poker games all over town. Most of them, on any given night, will have in excess of $3000 cash on the premises (most of which is in one dude's pocket), and less than zero security. I don't think I've met anyone who runs a game and even owns a gun. And what can they do, call the cops? "Somebody just robbed my illegal poker game, the profits from which I have neglected to declare to the IRS." Huh.
That's why poker games are illegal, after all: they attract crime. For a long time the cops turned a blind eye to games, as long as they were drug-free (and most reputable house games took precautions to make sure there were never any drugs). But now, evidently due to that robbery and perhaps others (I've been out of the loop), the cops have started cracking down.
That game I used to go to every Thursday? Well, I won't be going there anymore. It's been preemptively shut down, lest the cops do it themselves. At least in Atlanta, the poker craze my go the way of the dinosaurs shortly.
That's why I've decided to take up backgammon.
March 2, 2005
Marvin, I love you
You need to see this hilarious trailer for the upcoming Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy movie.
As one of the books that defined little Jamie's childhood, I'm very excited about all this. And, also, they appear to have a lock on the award for Most Genius Casting Move Ever: Alan Rickman as Marvin the Paranoid Android.
March 1, 2005
My promise to you
I want furdell.com to be your exclusive home for photos of Tim Robbins surreptitiously flipping Chris Rock the bird during the Oscar ceremony.
Mission accomplished.