June 2005 Archives

How could this have happened?

Why did anybody tell me?

What kind of a world are we living in, where nobody brings to my attention the fact that A&E is running T.J. Hooker re-runs at 4 a.m. Tuesday-Saturday? With the kind, Tivolesque assistance of TiVo, I've been able to catch up a bit with this televisory masterpiece.

This is the first time I've been able to watch it; when it originally aired, I don't think my seven-year-old brain was able to conceive exactly how COMPLETELY AWESOME this show was. And by "completely awesome," I, of course, mean "unintentionally hilarious."

First of all, you've got an aging, slightly-too-chunky William Shatner as a cop. Not just any cop; a supercop, who "sprints" (I'm being generous) to take down criminals, and routinely hops on the hood of speeding getaway vehicles. Add in Dance Fever's own Adrian Zmed (I think the casting director just picked the last name on his call sheet alphabetically) as well as a bright-eyed Heather Locklear as cadets in training, and you've got a recipe for the awesomest cop show ever.

Seriously, this beats the pants off Law and Order. I assume. Yesterday, they aired the Season 2 finale, in which one of the rookies takes a... well, it's hard to physically describe how it happens, because it's not well choreographed, but she takes a bullet in the knee, and somehow has to have her entire leg amputated. The rookie is played by guest star Anne-Marie Martin, a.k.a. Doru from Sledge Hammer, so I kept expecting her to break into comedy. Not quite, but there was lots of scenery chewing... with both Martin and Shatner in a hospital room, her upset over losing a leg and him feeling guily. I really expected the walls to come tumbling down due to the sheer gale force of their acting.

So today was the first episode in Season 3. You guys... I have to say that even if you don't want to sit through a whole episode, it's worth taping this show just for the opening title sequence. It starts with Shatner, running (or, if you prefer, waddling) towards his latest assailant, in silouhette. There's some more chasing on foot, some cars doing some stunts, a few gun battles, Adrian Zmed shirtless, Adrian Zmed and Heather Locklear in bathing suits by the pool, Heather Locklear parading down a runway in skimpy clothing (uh, this is a cop show, right?).

And then, the comedic coup de grace: we see a shot of Heather throwing her nightstick, batarang style, very weakly. Cut to a criminal, fleeing the scene; the nightstick touches him in the back of the legs. He, of course, goes flying. Book 'em Heather!

That's just one of the many things in this show that seem physically impossible. Physics appears to work differently in the world of T.J. Hooker. For example, in yesterday's episode, one of the bad guys runs out into the street, being chased by a slow-moving Shatner. He stops in the middle of the road, looks and sees a car coming from about 50 feet away. Plenty of time to move or jump out of the way. But, of course, he just stands there for a good five seconds, yelling and throwing his arms in front of his head. The car appears to come only a few feet closer, and then somehow the bad guy gets hit by the car and gets seriously injured, without actually being touched by it.

Like I said: physics just works differently in Hookerland.

(Oh, did I mention that "T.J. Hooker" stands for "Thomas Jefferson Hooker?" The character is named, of course, after Thomas Jefferson's fondness for hookers. He liked the hot chocolate.)

So in conclusion: you can't know what's going on in my head on a regular basis unless you're watching T.J. Hooker. And if you can't catch it on A&E...

...wait, it's on A&E? How did that happen? Not that I'm complaining, but they did used to run, like, operas in a former life, didn't they? Somebody else must be blackmailing them. I'll bet the History Channel has some incriminating photos. Anyway...

If you can't catch it on A&E, be sure to pick up the DVDs coming soon:

And, most likely, you can look forward to a cinematic remake in 2007. Starring who? I can't even think of a suitable candidate to play the title role. Time to get Shatner back out of mothballs!

That's right, I'm driving to L.A. to take a class in 16mm filmmaking. Today I travelled around 730 miles and made it into Albequerquerque, where I'm staying at a Days Inn -- super-swanky compared to last night's Motel 6. Seriously. For $10 more, I get a king-sized bed and wireless internet, and complimentary shampoo!

Also, Albequerquerque is a lot cooler than Van Buren, Arkansas, home of the Motel 6. Actually New Mexico is pretty cool in general, even though it touches Texas (ewww!).

Speaking of America's Rectum, today I drove through the top, square-shaped part. Here's a recap of the three things I got pulled over for the last time I drove through Texas:

• Going 5 mph over the speed limit (no, really);
• Driving in the left lane, but not passing anybody -- because to pass them, I would have had to go more than 5 mph over the speed limit; and best of all,
• after driving from Atlanta to Montana and back again, apparently my license plate was dirty. And apparently you can get pulled over for that.

The guy only gave me a warning, but just for pulling me over, he will forever be remembered by me as...well, let's just say a Texan.

This time I resolved to treat all of Texas as a "work zone," which pained me because driving slower through Texas means spending more time in Texas. As it turns out, most of Texas is a work zone. Almost as soon as I got into the state, a sign read: "Work Zone, Next 68 Miles," and in that entire expanse I didn't see a single piece of equipment or worker. I hate Texas so much.

In an effort to add to Texas's smog without improving its economy, I drove through the entire expanse without stopping once. I considered stopping to go to the bathroom, since that would mean leaving waste, but that would have meant another couple of minutes in Texas. And sure enough, as soon as I got to New Mexico, everything was nicer and better and prettier.

So that's my story. What are you going to do about it, Texas? You can't get me over here in New Mexico! HAH!! Can't quite reach me now, huh, Texas?!?!?

Andrew just called me from I-40, east of Oklahoma City, in the middle of his drive from Atlanta to Los Angeles. He's hoping to get all the way to New Mexico tonight.

In the meantime, he said, "I'm totally going to mess with Texas."

I was at Chipotle the other day getting a tasty burrito, when what do I hear on the piped-in music?

Oran Juice Jones' "The Rain"!

But wait! I realized... "Hey, that's not Oran Juice Jones!" It was a cover, and a very etherial one at that, done by an unidentified female vocalist. "I saw you... and her! Walking in the rain."

I was just so happy that someone covered it... but I don't think the singer did the cool talking part at the end. I don't suppose anyone has any idea who sings that version of the song?

No furdell.com! Oh nooooo!

Silly host provider. Being all crashy.

Hitch I could understand. That robot dance came at the very end, almost during the credits.

But how do you explain The Pacifier, which had not one, but two instances of Smashmouth music?

Of all our readers, at least a couple must have seen this Vin Deasel vehicle, if for no other reason, then because it had a Gilmore Girl in it. (Rorelai I think.)

So once again: if you see a movie with robot dancing used for comedic effect, or any Smashmouth song, leave the theater immediately and contact me. It is exactly that important. If we don't keep these lists up-to-date, we'll never be able to find that one elusive movie that has both robot dancing and Smashmouth music, or better yet, robot dancing to Smashmouth music. For only then can we at last rest.

Now using the "robot" breakdancing technique for the purpose of humor: Hitch, starring Will Smith.

Furdell.com: Travelling to the frontiers of gambling places you've never been to.

Dearest Cell Phone People,

It's bad enough that I have to sit through my friends and relatives telling me oh so insightfully to leave a message after the tone. But then I get this voice, this Gladys Stevens of Omaha Nebraska voice, telling me that I can stay on the freakin' line and wait like an idiot if I want to leave a message. You fools. My dumbass friend or relative just told me to leave a message after the beep. I get that. What does it even mean to leave a "call back number"? Doesn't everyone's cell phone tell them who called anyway?

I hate you hate you hate you. I suspect you had a hand in the 2wenty. And possibly other atrocities throughout history that will go unnamed. I have calculated that at least 2 hours of my life have been wasted listening to your inane female robot voice prattle on about my message-leaving options. That's two hours I could have spent watching Conan the Barbarian, which is an excellent movie with a really good soundtrack. I'm playing the score in my head right now.

Take that, cell phone people.

Yours in anger,
Andrew Furdell

I had to get shots of two of my most amazing accomplishments, which happened this week.

First, I beat Chris and Bowen on The Getaway: High Speed II.

That's big. That's like striking out Ty Cobb, and then striking out Babe Ruth. And, since I'm a complete ass, I had to get a picture of it.

Secondly, today I took first place in our fantasy baseball league.

Since this is not likely to last, I had to get a screenshot of that too.

GO ME!

I RAWK!

More here.

Okay, this is about as nerdy as it gets, but here's a site to behold. This guy made skins for Freedom Force (a fairly lame superhero-themed game) based on a whole lot of really obscure characters from comics and cartoons, including Legion of Superheroes reject Arm-Fall-Off-Boy. Enjoy.