Yes, I'm blogging about Superman again

So I was watching Buffy Season 6 (yes, I got the "Chosen Collection," because I am a nerd). For the uninitiated, that's the season where former magic junkie and Buffy best friend Willow witnesses the accidental murder of her longtime girlfriend Tara, and as a result Willow goes to the extremely dark side and tries to destroy Earth.

Like so many things, it reminds me of Superman: The Movie (note: if you don't put in that last part of the title, you must be talking about something else!). Specifically, it reminds me of the last act, in which Lois Lane dies as an indirect result of Lex Luthor's completely brilliant scheme. Superman looks up at the sky, does a spine-chilling rage scream, and then totally defies his father's decree to never interfere with human history.

It's the same camera angles and everything. Slip in a "Osiris, obey my will!" and black out Superman's eyes and you're watching Buffy.

So here's what I'm thinking: Because Tara died in a mundane way (she was shot), Willow was powerless to resurrect her, and that's why she ended up going apeshit. So, if Superman didn't have the power to completely shatter all science, what would he have done for vengeance? I like to think he would have thrown the Earth into the Sun. That would've been cool.

It just goes to show you: absolute power corrupts, but slightly less than absolute power means we're all doomed as soon as something bad happens to your girlfriend.

You're so old

This blog thinks in Eastern Standard Time, because I made my previous post at 9:40pm last night. So only now, at 4:10am PST, can I wish my brother a Happy Birthday!!!

As James's tens digit reluctantly rolls over, I realize this year that the age difference between us has become insurmountably huge. It seems all he talks about these days are hair loss and his arthritis, whereas I try to steer our conversations towards video games and dessert. Will we ever be able to communicate again?

I'm so Hollywood

Joe Camareno, whose IMDB page is surprisingly detailed, and who is perhaps best known by you for playing the role of "Charlie" in the blissfully short movie I made this summer...whoa, that's too many clauses. Well, now you know who I'm talking about.

Anyway, my jaw dropped when I spotted Joe in today's episode of my brother's favorite currently-doomed show, Arrested Development. Joe plays one of the Mexican painters who helps Michael and Gob teach George Sr. a lesson. (Specifically, Joe plays the one who was in the Groundlings.)

This is at least twice as awesome as the time I saw one of the guys I auditioned on an episode of Blind Date. (They did not end up in the hot tub, alas.)

At MI5, they say there's no business like ho business

So I haven't seen 50 Cent's semi-biopic Get Rich or Die Tryin', but I understand he has some kind of problem expressing emotions, or "acting." It got me thinking: what would I do if a team of high-powered movie producers came up to me and said, "Andrew, you're contractually obligated to make a movie with 50 Cent. Get on that."

Since this fantasy is already improbable, I'd say: "Why, I'll just cast him in my next project, Bond 32: A Batman to Kill For." (Yes, in my fantasy land I'm hired to make a crossover film that breaks the trillon dollar box office mark.) 50 Cent can play the silent henchman, so the only emotion he has to convey is "badass."

He'll need a gimmick, of course. How about: getting shot doesn't kill him! It's just like real life, but in the movie we'll make it look sexy. Too out there, you say? Look, Jaws fell out of a plane without a parachute and looked fine a few scenes later. Bond dropped a frikkin' building on him and he just brushed his coat off. I think we can hit fiddy with a few shells and have him not walk with a limp, aight?

(Did I tell my Richard Kiel story already? Oh, I totally did. Never mind then.)

And best of all, we can have him do the theme song on the cheap, in the grand tradition of...oh...I'm going to go with Get Over It.

"Stop, Andrew!" you cry. "Bond and gangsta rap are two great tastes that just don't make sense together! A gangsta Bond theme would be lame." That's where you're wrong, friend.

First of all, I'd like to point out that Bond themes change with the times. Bond had a disco period, and 80s pop period, and recently a techno period. These days it's all about the rap.

Secondly, thematically, Bond and gangsta rap have everything in common! "Oh no I di'n't"? Oh yes I did, reader. Play this game when you're bored: How many aspects of gangsta rap can you name that are 100% interchangeable with James Bond?

• Excessive drinking, often of champagne
• Conspicuous consumption
• Killing people, and being okay with that
• Sexual promsicuity, especially with improbably-named women

50 Cent's "If I Can't" from his debut album (chorus: "If I can't do it homey, it can't be done") is essentially Carly Simon's "Nobody Does It Better", with more F-bombs. Since most of his songs are about how awesome he is, you can just replace the name "50 Cent" with "James Bond" and get something pretty good. Consider Snoop Dogg's interlude in "P-I-M-P":

J-A-M-E-S B-O-N-D and S-N-double-O-P!

Hell, if 50 does a song about casino gambling and extreme winter sports, I'll have to upgrade him from henchman to James Bond himself. (Or Batman.)

"Fine, Andrew,' you concede graciously, "gangsta rap and James Bond have a lot in common. But Bond's still too snooty to listen to rap." Well then, dear reader, allow me to direct your attention to Xzibit A, a bit of forgotten dialogue from Goldfinger:

BOND
(at his most pretentious ever)
My dear girl, there are some thingsh that jusht aren't done, such as drinking Dom Perignon '53 above the temperature of 38 degreesh Fahrenheit. That'sh jusht as bad as lishtening to the Beatlesh without earmuffsh! I prefer the Monkees.

ODDJOB
(sneakily)
::hits Bond in the back of the head::

(He didn't really say he prefers the Monkees.) But less than nine years later, best Beatle Paul McCartney did one of the most awesome Bond themes of all time.

Oops, gotta go switch the morning news. In closing, you know I'm right.

The Andrew Update

Don't blame me; I voted for Luthor. (Thanks to RM, who for some reason feels the need to encrypt his emails these days, so I'll be absolutely sure it's him sending me humorous links.)

To clarify a James statement, yes, I do indeed have a promotional notepad from the show Night Stalker, which probably failed because of Stuart Townsend's unsexy American accent. I got said notepad because I've been working at KEZI, the local ABC affiliate in Eugene (privately owned, as James points out, by Charleston Kezi of the Eugene Kezis).

I'm a "technical director", or in broadcast news parlance a "switcher." On the morning news, at approximately the buttcrack of dawn, I switch between cameras, video tape decks, chyrons, and still stores, determining what gets sent out live. A fellow Andrew at the station describes us as "D.J.s who don't get laid," and who don't have any say in what they put on the air, and whose primary audience is probably over forty.

In other news, I got rejected from USC film school again -- but only after being on the wait list, which is a step in the right direction. I plan to apply again for the fall 2007 semester.

And that's...the Andrew update.