I'll buy that for a dollar!

It's official: the Robocop Score for 24 Season 5 is now "three." Sharp-eyed viewers will have recognized Paul McCrane, famous for having his face melt off in Robocop, as the Guy With Neat Ear-Phone Who Is Really REALLY The Main Bad Guy For Sure This Time. He joins Vice President Leland Palmer and a partially-dehydrated Robocop himself to attain this new high score.

I haven't seen a 3 since Twin Peaks Season 2, which featured the ubiquitous Miguel Ferrer (in my favorite role, as a pointlessly rude FBI agent who gets results) and The Old Man as the ghost of Christmas past or something, plus the aforementioned Leland Palmer.

If 24 wants to take the trophy from Twin Peaks permanently, they should get the dad from That 70s Show on there. I don't know why he hasn't shown up yet in the series, actually. He's the scariest person on television!

Vapid Bond article in Slate

Was an Australian underwear model the best Bond ever? No, in fact, he was the worst. He had all the talent and charisma of a plank of wood with a leering happy face painted on it.

The article wastes several paragraphs arguing that On Her Majesty's Secret Service, Lazenby's only Bond movie, was good and was true to the book. True and true, but I'd say the film was good in spite of a lead who can't act. Also the article implies that Connery crawled back to the series after his career failed to take off, which goes counter to the more popular idea that the Broccoli family went crawling to Connery with a huge salary offer when they realized Lazenby couldn't act to save his life.

More mistifying to me is the author's disregard of other Bond actors for conflicting reasons. Roger Moore is "vapid" and Pierce Brosnan a "lightweight" compared to Connery and Lazenby (yeah, George Lazenby was just the picture of masculinity, right). But Timothy Dalton, the darkest, most violent, closest-to-the-source-material Bond, not to mention a man who can actually act, is "rightly forgotten." Unlike Lazenby, who's some kind of lost cinematic treasure. Huh.

Ah, but I see the author of the article is from Texas. That explains it. As we all know, all Texans are ignorant 100% of the time. Why don't we just let them secede already? WHY?

Feeling slightly less angry at the world now

Today I got surprise-insured after the morning news. It took like an hour to choose between completely awful benefits, but it's done, so you can start hitting me with cars now. In fact, it's retroactive to the first of the month, so you can start throwing me off buildings two and a half weeks ago.

Strangely, the people upstairs seem to be under the impression that I'm already full time. Does this mean I can scam them into thinking I should be paid for 40 hours of work? Probably not.

Also, Insurance Lady turned out to be the wife of Extra-Sweet First Prize Chili Guy, and she revealed that he only won (and by such a huge margin) because she voted forty times. (This was actually perfectly legal. The rules of the cookoff stipulated that ballot stuffing, at $1 per vote, was encouraged.) So, being reassured that the thing had nothing to do with chili and everything to do with strategy and investment makes me feel better.

A bittersweet chili competition for me

The first annual KEZI chili cookoff happened today. Something like a dozen crockpots full of chili, some terrible, some mediocre, and some made by me.

I was worried early on when I discovered that everyone else had electric crockpots and hot plates to keep their chili warm. Mine had the sun. So, about an hour and a half into it, my chili had cooled down considerably...this may have cost me votes.

Had presentation been a consideration, my halved and seeded jalapeno/fresno pepper arrangement would certainly have won first prize; indeed, it got a close-up during the first 6 o'clock weather segment. Weatherman slash local celebrity John Fischer, an avid gardner, was impressed by the squash and carrots in my recipe, and even asked me a few questions on camera. (I explained that my job is to do the jingle when his seven-day outlook comes on the screen.)

My friends and I agreed that the best chilis were mine (#8) and #12, which billed itself as "tex-mex". I also liked #2, which I figured for a third place finish.

Of course it didn't turn out that way. #7, a chili by all acounts too sweet, finished first in a landslide, only approached by second-place finisher #5, a fine but mostly uninteresting chili. Both of these chilis got more than double the number of votes of the third-place finisher. Votes cost $1 each, and the top prize was a $200 gift certificate, so I suppose some strategic ballot-stuffing may have been at hand.

Third place would have been #2, but apparently she had left the cookoff early and was therefore disqualified. So, on a technicality, I squeaked into third place from my rightful spot at "distant fourth", and received a $100 gift certificate to a coastal resort called Embarcadero.

Yes, yes, "congratulations" and so forth, but I'm very bitter. Fourth place? Come on people! That was some dynomite chili I put together! It had buffalo and lamb in it! And Rogue Chipotle Ale! Was anyone else up at 4am preparing their chili so it could simmer for twelve hours? I think not! The top prize went to a guy who froze his chili! FROZE IT!!!

Well, I told myself I'd be happy as long as I won something, but clearly that's not true. It doesn't help that I managed to win only while still losing. Bah I say. Bah!

Uh oh.

KEZI is hosting the First Annual Chambers Communications Chili Cookoff on Tuesday...which just happens to be my day off. All I can say is, those other chilis better bring it.

Boo...yah.