I an shivebadd.

It's a little belated, but I finally have time to write about the latest Vegas trip, which must be preserved for posterity. This time only the four original gangstas were able to go (me, Matt, Eric and John), but I think we did the place justice. Top five highlights:

5. Set it and forget it!

John and I couldn't resist playing the Ron Popeil video slot machine.

Really.

4. Blackjack Switch!

I wasn't able to convince anyone else to play Blackjack Switch with me at Casino Royale. This is a variation on blackjack in which you're dealt two hands side-by-side, and you can switch the last two cards dealt on each hand. This is a significant player advantage. The catch: you can switch into a blackjack and it wins automatically, but only pays 1-1 (not 3-2). The other catch: if the dealer draws to 22, all remaining player hands push.

Despite those rules, it's still a more favorable game to the player than regular blackjack, if you play basic strategy (you split and double less aggressively). I had hoped to make it this trip's Pai Gow Poker, but that didn't happen.

This Casino Royale is far less glamorous than James Bond's Casino Royale. In fact, it's downright crappy; I had an unfriendly dealer recently off the boat from some unidentifiable Eastern European country. I was especially tired, and at one point accidentally hit on A-8 (19). I tried to take it back, but he dealt me the card anyway. I drew the 2 for 21, but that's not the point; it's the principle of the thing. I won $200+ playing that, so the joke's on him (although some of the profit did go to Ron Popeil).

3. The new Planet Hollywood casino, aka "P-Ho"

It seems impossible to me that you could open a giant casino on the Strip and have it fail, but that's what happened to Aladdin, which opened just prior to 9/11 and suffered in the resulting drop in travel and tourism. It's been rebuilt and rebranded as "Planet Hollywood", with a movies/L.A. theme.

And the boys gave it a thumbs up! It has an attractive layout, nice big sports book with a bar for watching football. We watched as my big bet on the Lions (+2.5 at Oakland) came in. The dealers were mostly friendly... we played craps with a knowledgeable bunch (I was trading film trivia tidbits with the stickman).

Speaking of craps... John Chan is the man. He walked away from one table with the much-coveted yellow chip. That's a G, people.

2. No-limit hold 'em!

I was the last one left in town on Tuesday and was feeling flush with profits, plus I had promised that I would play at least one session of high-ish stakes poker. I had played several boring rounds of $4-$8 limit in which I had generally broken even, and I had lost something like $80 to a drunk and unpredictable Eric Lipman while playing $2-$4. I had never played no limit in a cash game, so I decided to try that at Mandalay.

No limit is intimidating because your entire table stake is at risk the minute you sit down. Bluffing is a lot more likely to work because you can throw much more money than the pot is worth on the table; I definitely got bluffed out of a favorable hand at least once. I played very tight (only very good starting cards) and very aggressively when I thought I had a hand.

I started with $100, and after playing for five hours, only three hands had significantly affected my stake:

a) Having been basically blinded down to $75 after a few rounds, I was dealt KK, a very good starting hand in late position. Somebody raised the $1-$2 blinds to $10, and there was one caller. I pressed it up to $50; the original raiser raised me all-in. I called fearing I was up against AA, but it was only QQ, and my kings held up for the win, so I doubled up.

b) I limped in with a 5-4 of diamonds, and the flop was 2-3-6 for the straight! Unfortunately... they were all the same suit, and not my suit (spades). That means a flush beats me with no way for me to improve. I opened with a big bet ($25) in the hopes any four-flush draws would fold, but somebody raised me all-in. He might have been bluffing or semi-bluffing, but even a four-flush with two cards left to come is scary in that situation. With a lot of limpers in the pot (7-8 players), chances were good that one of them had one or two spades. I folded.

c) Towards the end I was back down to $85 or so. I was dealt JJ hand raised it up big pre-flop, to $25. I had two callers, and the flop was straight-friendly (something like 3-5-6). I opened with another big bet to chase out the draws, but was again raised to $50 (by the same guy who had beat me on the flush-friendly flop). The third player called. I went ahead and raised all-in because I had a feeling I was ahead at that moment (no overcards to my Jacks), and I was right; the original raiser folded, and the third player called with a straight draw and a low pair (6-4).

So, all my money was in the pot and I was ready to walk away if my opponent hit his straight for the win. Which he did on the turn; the 7 came to give him a better hand. I was halfway out of my seat when someone pointed out I still had a flush draw; there were three diamonds out there, and I had a J of diamonds. Another one came on the river to give me the flush! It was the super-rare double-reverse suck-out. And, for a change, I was happy for that river card instead of dreading it.

That was a big pot that gave me about $240, and that's what I walked away with. Not bad for getaway poker!

1. Eric's drunk text messaging

Eric's drunk unpredictability allowed him to take some $80 from me at the poker table on Saturday night, and also led to the funniest moment of the trip. While text messaging with his phone, Eric uses the "T9" feature, which attempts to predict which word you're typing by looking it up in a dictionary. If the phone guesses wrong, there's a key you can press to cycle through other possible words you were attempting to type. Eric, on principle, refuses to use the "cycle" key, meaning he gets stuck with whatever word the phone guessed first. Which is how he wound up sending this drunk text message:

He you were here wowl could totally rape me.
I an shivebadd.

What was he trying to actually say? We may never know. Needless to say, "I an shivebadd" became the Slogan of the Trip.

Honorable mention: Me winning $100 when Frank Gore was the first to score a TD in the Monday night game; Me winning $90+ on the Detroit Lions (?) after pressing my bet (?!); me kicking John's ass at three-puck air hockey, with a spectacular come-from-behind victory, at Gameworks; the one-hour deep tissue massage at Luxor; John buying the boys dinner with his craps winnings; eating Kobe beef burgers at the Burger Bar.

Possibly the funniest thing I've seen this year