According to my sources (well, according to my brother and my girlfriend) I will never have abs. That's not to say I won't ever have abdominal muscles (I do hope to, one day), but merely that you'll never see them, due to a combination of my flabby, troll-shaped body, and my tendency towards laziness.
Well, apparently those sources never heard of science! I'm just a surgery away from washboard abs, which will be a nice contrast to my slight man-boobs. For $7000, I can't afford not to!
Add him to the list: Republican (obviously) Washington state representative Richard Curtis secretly enjoys hot, sweaty man sex. Allegedly, of course. Once again, what we thought was among the last refuges of the fabled "straight man's moustache," last seen circa 1984's Cannonball Run II, turns out to be its dying gasp.
If my theory is correct -- that Reverand Gary Aldridge actually killed himself earlier this month with multiple rubber suits and strategically-placed dildos in a selfless attempt to deflect media interest in Idaho Republican Larry "Wide Stance" Craig, a man who obviously merely suffers from extreme and comical constipation -- then Curtis's late-breaking scandal must just be an attempt to steal the limelight. Come on, Richard Curtis. Are you so starved for attention?
(I mean, these guys wouldn't legislate against their own sexual leanings, right? That wouldn't make any sense. Like how segregation-candidate Strom Thurmond probably had no idea his maid was black.)
I think Janeane Garofalo and Bill Maher take turns. This week Janeane gets the award next week Bill gets it, and so on, infinity forever. We need more competition for this award! Anyone want to volunteer?
