The best music videos ever

All right, first of all sorry I've been not so much with the blogging. But there's at least two other Furdells who could be taking up my slack. So, I'm just saying, I'm not the only jerk.

OK, here's another one of those ridiculous lists you can help me with. I've decided that the best music videos of all fit the following criteria:

1. The song is from a movie soundtrack; and


2. one or more actors from the movie appear in the video. Preferably in character.

I don't mean like they used footage from the film, I mean the actor or actors actually had to shoot special footage for the music video. And it doesn't count if the actor is the musician (like if Will Smith does a song for his own movie, for example).

Here are the ones I've come up with. Starting with the most obvious, "Gangsta's Paradise" by Coolio from the god-awful Dangerous Minds, prominently featuring Michelle Pfeiffer, in a speaking role no less.

Maybe it's because that video's from the mid-90s, but I generally expect the actor(s) not to show up until the very end of the video, after we've seen a lot of scenes from the movie. I don't recommend that you skip to the end of John Parr's "Man In Motion" -- if you do, you won't get to see the scenes from St. Elmo's Fire, which are hilarious. A character in this movie tries to kill herself by sitting in front of an open window, and this is seen by her friends as a credible suicide attempt. But if you just want to see John Parr interact with the cast of the film, you can fast forward to the last minute.

That's like Julia's favorite movie, by the way. Moving on, here's the music video that I would say is both the cheesiest ever, and the best ever: "Nothing's Gonna Stop Us Now" by Starship, from the motion picture Mannequin. The real stars here are the lead singers, who ham it up in an un-self-conscious way that nobody can in a post-9/11 world. There's a brief cameo in the end by your favorite Mannequin character, Hollywood Montrose.

Here's one I was fond of as a kid: "When the Going Gets Tough the Tough Get Going" by Billy Ocean, from Jewel of the Nile. Michael Douglas, the super-sexy Kathleen Turner, and Danny DeVito just look like they're having so much fun as Billy Ocean's backup singers.

YouTube is having a two-for-one special on themes from movies about bustin' ghosts. These are interesting, because they also include a ton of cameos by celebrities who weren't even in the movie. The first one, "Ghostbusters" by Ray Parker, Jr. from the eponymous film, has about a dozen unrelated actors who help out with the chorus (Chevy Chase, John Candy, Teri Garr, Carly Simon, Jeffrey Tambor, and even maybe-senator Al Franken, to name a few), and all four Ghostbusters show up in the end. The second song is the completely hilarious "On Our Own" by godfather of soul Bobby Brown, from the terrible Ghostbusters II. It squeaks in a Rick Moranis cameo early, and then manages to include Donald Trump, Iman, Christopher Reeve on a bicycle, Jane Curtin for some reason, and the chick from The Man With One Red Shoe, among others.

I'm so glad I get to include the bizarre 2-part epic that is "Goonies 'R' Good Enough" by Cyndi Lauper. The plot is so complicated that it requires narration and frequent subtitles. When Cyndi and the Goonies get kidnapped by pirates, Cyndi breaks the fourth wall and asks Goonies writer/executive producer Steven Spielberg for a tip on what to do. (He has no ideas.) And, André the Giant shows up for some reason.

I admit it: we're now at the point where I can't think of any more off the top of my head, so I'm having to guess. I'm batting 1000 so far though. Here's El DeBarge's "Who's Johnny" from Short Circuit. Yep, sure enough this one has appearances by both Ally Sheedy, and a cardboard standup of Steve Guttenberg, who I guess was busy with Police Academy 4: Citizens On Patrol that day. El takes the witness stand in a trial against Ally and Cardboard Steve, but the bad news is that footage from the film is admissible as evidence. Luckily everyone in the courtroom is in love with Ally Sheedy.

OK, I specifically said it doesn't count if Will Smith does the song for his own movie. But I'd be remiss if I excluded James's favorite song, "Wild Wild West", from James's favorite movie. It prominently features Salma Hayek (worth, as always, triple the price of admission) and, in a casting move only slightly less distracting than Cardboard Steve Guttenberg, we have someone who is clearly not Kenneth Branagh playing the back of Kenneth Branagh's head.

So those are the ones I can think of. But I feel like there's another lurking on the edges of my brain. Help me out by naming some more music videos in the comment section...won't you?

Furdell Classic Cinema Theatre, Vol. V: Tombs of the Blind Dead

This is going to be a slightly different edition of FCCT, with a modified format. The film in question is a very well-made, straight-up modern horror film, and almost anyone who's ever seen a scary movie knows what's going to happen -- some people are going to go someplace they shouldn't, and those people are going to die horribly. Since this movie is all about the voyage rather than the destination, I'm going to eschew the usual plot synopsis and character descriptions.

The Film: La Noche del terror ciego (1971), literally The Night of the Blind Terror -- but in America we call it Tombs of the Blind Dead.

Planet of the Apes connection: Apparently because some of the baddies' beards make them look moderately simian, and because of the timeless popularity of movies about intelligent apes, American drive-in distributers changed the title to Revenge from Planet Ape and added a poorly-narrated prologue explaining that humans destroyed ape civilization centuries ago, and that the apes vowed to one day rise again. (Bonus promotional tidbit: some theaters required both a ticket and a free, Blind Dead-branded barf bag for entrance. Adorable.)

Background: Tombs is the first of a series of four films by Spanish writer/director Amando de Ossorio. I stumbled upon it recently, while thumbing through Jamie Russell's very informative Book of the Dead: The Complete History of Zombie Cinema, and as a fairly knowledgeable fan of living dead movies I was surprised to find a cult-favorite series I'd never heard of. Even more shocking, this first installment at least is very, very good. (I haven't gotten around to the other three yet, but I'll see them soon -- I got the DVD collection, which comes in its own coffin.)

Who are the Blind Dead?: Though it's not explicitly stated in the Spanish-language version of Tombs, their background makes it pretty clear that they're the Knights Templar, the same guys recently made somewhat more famous by the conspiracy theory presented in The Da Vinci Code. Apparently in their travels the Knights learned a thing or two about occultism, and specifically discovered the secret of eternal life. (Note: the secret is to visualize your goal and ask the universe for eternal life, and also to drink the blood of a virgin.)

The knights' misdeeds were full of graphic female nudity and gore, so they were excommunicated and hanged. They're blind because crows devoured their eyes while they hanged, as evidenced by this totally awesome medieval illustration.

What are the rules?: Every great horror film has rules. The rules in Tombs aren't specifically stated, but we can extrapolate a few important facts. First of all, the Blind Dead are blind (obviously). They're very slow-moving in close quarters, but that doesn't mean you'll get away; out in the open, they suddenly have phantom horses (and this is Europe, so you don't own a car). Bullets certainly don't do much, although -- in this installment, at least -- nobody appears to get a headshot, so it's impossible to say for sure. But again, you're in Europe and it's likely you don't own a gun. When they do catch you (and they will), they bite your skin and drink your blood until you die. Awesome.

Note that, with the blood drinking, the Egyptian origin of their occult doings, and their general sense of purpose, the Blind Dead are more like mummies than traditional zombies, which might explain why they seem to be totally unkillable. Meanwhile, at least some of their victims also come back to life to drink the blood of the living -- only one does in this film, but I anticipate more walking corpses in the sequels -- but at least they're vulnerable to fire, so they've got that going for them.

Selected Scenes: Like I said, there's no point in doing a detailed synopsis. But I would like to talk about some of the interesting choices de Ossorio uses, and how those choices set Tombs apart from lesser exploitative European horror of the 70s.

Let's start with a scene from near the beginning of the film. Here's the setup: poolside in Lisbon, Virginia bumps into her old boarding school friend Bet, and aside from a brief, weird moment, they seem very happy to reconnect -- until Virginia's friend Roger invites Bet to join them on a trip to the Portuguese countryside. Virginia is clearly irritated, but Bet pretends not to notice. (NOTE: In case you can't tell from the preview image, you might feel uncomfortable if coworkers see you're watching it. It doesn't have any nudity, though.)

There are so many things I love about that clip. I love how the smoke from the train becomes the mist in Bet and Virginia's surreal memory. I love that music cue, which comes up two other times in the film (once in the aforementioned awkward moment, and again when Virginia's body is discovered). I love the twist that Virginia wasn't unhappy for the reasons we assumed, and how skillfully that twist is delivered. For a low-budget sex-and-gore ultra-obscure 70s drive-in movie, this is really excellent filmmaking.

Like the blind dead themselves, the movie takes its time. I'm usually not a fan of slow-paced movies (I still can't get over the hour of footage that could be cut from Dr. Strangelove if only the establishing shots of the airplane could be cut down to a reasonable duration), but in Tombs every scene has a purpose. For example, Virginia spends a lot of time exploring Berzano, the abandoned medieval town she saw from the train. Those scenes serve to establish the setting, so that later, when the Blind Dead chase Virginia through the town, there's a great sense of space and everything feels more real. When Virginia's shoe gets stuck in a broken stairway, and she takes an impossibly long time to get free, the camera gets a chance to give us a really good, up-close look at the monsters as they slowly creep towards their victim.

In Eugene I worked with a kid who insisted the slow-moving zombies of yesteryear could never be as scary as the sprinters in 28 Days Later and the sub-par Dawn of the Dead remake. What a tool. The Blind Dead are not only slow, they're blind, and I submit to you that the following scene is scarier than anything either of those films presented.

You know I loved that heartbeat zoom at the end of that scene, too.

The last minutes of Tombs, when the creatures get on the train, are among the most shocking and terrifying I've ever seen. I'm pretty sure I actually had my hands over my face, and I may have said something to the effect of, "My god, when will it end??!?" I meant, when will the creeping terror end, not the movie. Anyway, I'm not going to show you the awesome scene I'm talking about. If you found the above clips entertaining, you really have to see this film, and it would be wrong for me to spoil all its major shocks. But I will show you the very end, after the carnage has subsided. Bet, riding on top of the coal, somehow managed to survive the ordeal. Note how the film ends on a couple of still pictures, in homage to the ending of George Romero's Night of the Living Dead.

I've typed a lot, and there's so much more to go over -- the weird morgue scenes, the lighting in Bet's mannequin manufacturing studio, the fact that the Blind Dead only seem to wake up when there's sex or nudity around...just, do me a favor and see the movie. There's no good reason for this one to be as obscure as it is.

The Female Perspective^tm with Julia Katz: Unfortunately there will be no Female Perspective today. Because I assumed this movie would be terrible (it's a European zombie movie I'd never heard of -- come on), when we originally watched it on Halloween we watched the American cut, reasoning that dubbed movies are always funnier. The American cut was good enough that I watched the Spanish cut within a week; however, it moves some scenes around and neuters the most shocking moments. Until Julia gets the authentic La noche del terror ciego experience, you'll just have to take my word for it.

Furdell Classic Cinema Theatre, Vol. IV: Zapped Again!

Back after a brief hiatus, it's Furdell Classic Cinema Theatre. Unfortunately, due to the collapse of the economy, FCCT's budget has been cut in twain! But we shall soldier on.

The Film: Zapped Again! (1990)

That's right, the sequel to: This movie.

Other sequels that were better than the original: The Godfather Part II, Rocky III, Teen Wolf Too, Still Casablanca-ing

French title: Encore, nous avons été zapped

Contribution to popular culture: This film may not have invented the self-congratulatory fist-pump, but by gosh it perfected the technique.

Cast of Characters:
a. Kevin, the new kid in town who stumbles on Scott Baio's secret stash. Whereas Scott Baio merely had to concentrate on his acting, this guy has to raise one eyebrow to activate his powers.
b. Lucy is the nerd-hot accomplice in this installment. I remember I recognized the actress, Kelli Williams, when I first saw this film in the 90s...but based on her IMDB page it must have been from the Quantum Leap episode she was in.
c. Wayne is the leader of the evil Key Club clique. He's got one dimension, and it's "jerk."
d. Miss Burnhart makes her triumphant return. She's been promoted from teacher to principal (those who can't teach administrate), and the principal from Zapped! The First is gone, so she's free to be pursued by...
e. Steroid-using NFL defensive lineman Lyle Alzado as Coach Kirby.
f. Making cameo appearances, we have Linda Blair as Miss Mitchell...
g. ...and Karen Black as an unnamed Italian substitute teacher. She adds absolutely nothing to the plot, but she does have a memorable scene in which she asks Kevin if his "linguini is ready for [her] clam". This is, presumably, a reference to a controversial scene from Spartacus.

a.

b.

c.

d.

e.

f.

g.

Hmm, when I put them all together like that they look a lot funnier than I expected. The whole truly is greater than the sum of its parts. Oh, by the way -- in the animated gif from before, Kevin is reacting to Principal Burnhart accepting Coach Kirby's marriage proposal over the school's loudspeaker. Why is Kevin so enthusiastic? That's not entirely clear. I guess he's just really, really happy for them.

Plot Synopsis:
Kevin is the new kid at Ralph Waldo Emerson High School, alma mater of Scott Baio from the previous movie. Kevin is good-looking, fun to be around, and obnoxious in a harmless, endearing way, but for reasons unknown he finds himself ostracized by the cool, rich, attractive kids at his new high school.

A quick note about cliques: As we all know, every movie about a kid going to a new high school has to have a scene in which we're introduced to all the different cliques, some of which must be comically unlikely. It's completely mandatory. Just to prove my point, here's that scene from the script to 10 Things I Hate About You:

As I Was Saying: Along with Kevin, we're introduced to Emerson High's various cliques as Kevin searches for a suitable after-school club to join. The rich attractive kids who hate him are in the Key Club (boo, hiss) which, according to Wikipedia, is generally not evil but devoted to volunteer work. Before Wikipedia existed, this film had me convinced that the Key Club was an excuse for snotty rich kids to make out and work on their abs.

Ruling out all the other clubs for being hopelessly specific (Ski Club, Diner's Club...the list goes on) Kevin winds up in the Science Club with nerd-hot Lucy. Science Club apparently meets in what used to be Scott Baio's laboratory.

Not unlike Escape from the Planet of the Apes, Zapped Again! takes some liberties with the continuity of its beloved franchise. You'll recall that in Zapped!, Scott Baio accidentally inhaled fumes from a mixture that he didn't create himself, and then he had telekinetic powers for the rest of the movie. Well, in the sequel, Kevin finds a stash of prune juice bottles filled with a potion that, when ingested, gives him temporary telekinetic powers.

How does Kevin choose to apply this power? Why, by lifting Linda Blair's dress, of course. Luckily she's from the Class of Scott Baio -- she explains that she was at the prom at the end of Zapped! -- and as you recall, everyone in the first movie found this behaviour charming.

In a key scene, Kevin uses his power to humiliate a girl who was nice to him, and celebrates with a patended Zapped Again! celebratory fist-pump. (Warning: PG-13 nudity.)

Here's where we depart again from the Zapped! franchise: Kevin is a nice guy, really, and does not spend the entire film ripping womens' clothing off for no reason. Sure, he still rips their clothes off, but it's always to prevent violence. Also, nerd-hot love interest Lucy does not want to exploit Kevin's powers for unbridled chaos; rather, she wants to synthesize his potion and sell it, presumably to various world militaries. So, still evil, but it's an evil you can negotiate with.

Due to their dwindling enrollment numbers, the Science Club is forced to relinquish its lab space to the Key Club, which turns it into a gym-slash-makeout-den. Kevin somehow gets Wayne to agree to a wager: if the Science Club can beat the Key Club at the annual Homecoming Penguin Race, then they can get their cool lab back. It plays out exactly like the "Camp Monk Academy" sketch from Mr. Show.

Unfortunately, the Key Club kids stashed some contraband in the lab, in the hidden compartment behind a framed picture of Albert Einstein. (In the film's most unsarcastically funny line, Wayne points out the contraband to Principal Burnhart: "Over there, behind that picture of Kenny Loggins!") Wayne then taunts Kevin and the gang as only a villain can.

To get off suspension, the Science Club kids have to...oh my god, I've only described about half the film. This movie is really complicated. In short: in exchange for getting them un-suspended, Wayne forces the Science Club to give away free weiners on behalf of the Key Club at some kind of nighttime school function, which they do, but they inject all the weiners with flea powder to cause everyone to have an allergic reaction. Meanwhile Wayne arranges for Kevin to dress like a girl and have tomatoes thrown at him, knowing that Kevin is deathly allergic to tomatoes, but Kevin uses his telekinetic powers to save the day, the end.

Oh, and there's a music video during the credits. As YouTube's redPHOENIX74 puts it, "The offspring of Boy George and Vanilla Ice sings a song while we get to see how much fun the cast had at our expense."

The Female Perspective^TM with Julia Katz:Pretty unmemorable film about teenagers in what looks like a Valley high school. Standout scenes include tomato throwing, and, let's see, what else, was there anything good...there wasn't much good, was there? Right, so he finds the serum behind a picture of Einstein -- I think that may have been the only connection between the two films, that picture of Einstein. [Kevin, the protagonist] and his girlfriend have this run-around, make out montage, but it was like she was babysitting him. It's like, they're in the kitchen, now they're behind the couch, now they're on the cabinets in non-sexual positions. It was stupid. It was like, this is not sexy at all. And they're teenagers, if they're in a room together they should be having sex. Science kids are nerdier than jocks, that's the conclusion of that film. That sex scene really confirms it, because that was pathetic. Maybe his linguini wasn't ready for her clam. (Note from Andrew: Julia reluctantly stayed awake for the entire film; and for the record, I think it was pretty clear that they had a lot of sex in that montage.)

Repo Man sequel in the works

Apparently upon hearing that the original was recently cited on this very blog, David Lynch is producing Alex Cox's Repo Chick, which begins production in January.

Cox has previously said that the follow-up will “unfold against the background of the credit crunch and the subprime mortgage crisis in the US, where repossessions of homes, cars and other forms of property is at a new high. ‘The repo business has expanded to everything from boats, houses, aeroplanes, small nations…children”.

Furdell Classic Cinema Theatre, Vol. III: Blood Diner

The Film: Blood Diner (1987)

Spiritual remake of: Blood Feast (1963), a probable future Furdell Classic Cinema Theatre movie that a character in John Waters's Serial Mom called "the Citizen Kane of gore movies."

But it reminded us of: Repo Man (1984), which has an eerily similar grainy punk-rock aesthetic and comic surrealist streak. I thought this was a strange connection for my brain to make, since there's no cannibalism in Repo Man, but James came to the same conclusion independently, so there must be something to it.

Premise: When not feeding people to vegetarians at their diner, two brothers, at the behest of their dead uncle's talking brain, devote their lives to resurrecting the ancient goddess Sheetar, via a ritual that hasn't been performed -- as we're told many times -- in over five million years.

Principle characters:
a. Michael, the more apparently-stable brother, who uses his perfect hair and power of hypnotism to lure victims to their deaths.
b. Georgie, the clearly insane brother with a talent for cooking (people) and screwing around. (Repeated line: "Georgie, stop screwing around.")
c. Uncle Anwar, a Sheetar-enthusiast and ritual murderer whose brain is resurrected by his nephews. He often laments the loss of his "schlong."
d. Sheetar, the ancient goddess in question, who the boys hope to vivify by stitching together body parts from several "immoral" women.

a.

b.

c.

d.

Plot Synopsis:
Describing the plot would kind of miss the point, so I'm going to put more effort into the Final Analysis. The film's first five minutes do a good job of setting up the plot: Anwar is passing along the crazy to his nephews.

True to their word, when they grow up the boys resurrect their uncle's brain, murder a bunch of people, secretly feed them to other people under the guise of "health food" at their diner, and plot to reincarnate their beloved evil god Sheetar in a virgin sacrifice at a dance club.

Final Analysis: This movie was really hard for me to pin down. Going in, we thought it was going to be a straight-up bad 80s gore flick. It is, and it isn't. Blood Diner is clearly made by people who love bad movies so much that they wanted to make one, and they did. Its treatment of schlock cinema is too loving to call it a spoof; it's not an homage, because how can a bad movie pay homage to bad movies?

To give you an example, consider Grindhouse, the recent Tarantino/Rodriguez tribute to 70s exploitation cinema, which I loved. It's a tribute to schlock, but it isn't schlock -- the actors are talented, the writers-directors are arguably two of the best in American cinema, and everyone on the crew was probably a seasoned professional that knew his or her job very, very well. The scratches on the celluloid were actually CGI scratches. The scratches in Blood Diner are real.

Take this early scene, which got a huge laugh during our viewing. It's badly written, badly acted, badly lit and badly shot -- but can that possibly all be intentional?

I don't think we caught on to the filmmakers' intentions until midway through the film. When the two main detectives -- inarguably terrible actors -- are investigating the brothers' latest crime scene, one of them scratches his head with his own gun. Was this a coincidence, or could it be an homage to worst-film-ever contender Plan 9 From Outer Space?

Seconds later, the detective in question scratches his head again and this time accidentally pulls the trigger, setting off a comical echoing sound effect. Yep, it's an homage.

I don't think that a bad movie paying homage to its predecessors would necessarily be compelling by itself, but Blood Diner gets a big boost from that surrealism I alluded to earlier. As James kept remarking, it was impossible to predict anything that was going to happen, particularly with regard to characters' reactions to the carnage around them. We thought we'd found a character whose actions made sense -- a random floozie who ran away from the brothers' diner screaming after finding her deep-fried friend's headless corpse -- but even she stopped at the door and went back to pick up her purse and all the random stuff that fell out of it (and was subsequently slaughtered). Check out the reactions of some club-goers when a bouncer is brutally murdered right in front of them:

Overall, shockingly, I'd characterize Blood Diner as a film of actual, non-sarcastic merit. If nothing else, I can't think of any other film where a group of people set out to make something really shoddy, and went completely all-out, and succeeded. Even Earth Girls Are Easy had an Academy Award winning actress in the lead. If you have any interest in schlock cinema, Blood Diner is a must-see.

The Female Perspective^TM with Julia Katz: Overall I'd say it's a movie worth seeing. It has a certain...niche. It's like self-conscious cliché horror. I thought when [Georgie] dipped [a random floozie's] head in the fryer, that was a pretty good scene, because she came out and her head looked like a tater tot or something, and you know, I can suspend my disbelief to a certain point, but...At the end Sheetar has to eat something. They were offering her that virgin sacrifice, so that she could manifest. So you'd think, oh, it's a human form, she'll have to eat it through her mouth. But there's this hole in her abdomen, and not only is it split open to form like a birthing canal, but it has these little sharp teeth. So it's basically a vagina with teeth. And in the end [Georgie] gets hoisted on his own petard and gets eaten by the vagina. That was also very memorable. Sheetar, she's a man-eater. (Note from Andrew: Julia was awake for the entire film, but she seemed kind of out of it. More so than usual.)

Furdell Classic Cinema Theatre, Vol. II: Zapped!

The Film: Zapped! (1982)

Punctuation in the title? And how!

They were going for: What if Carrie was a dude, and she went to Ridgemont High?

They ended up with: What if someone with amazing powers fell in love with a sociopath?

What did the pitch meeting look like?

Cast of characters:
a. Scott Baio (Charles from Charles in Charge) plays science nerd Barney, our telekinetic "hero", shown here concentrating very hard...on acting.
b. Willie Aames (Buddy from Charles in Charge) is Peyton, Barney's idiot horndog friend.
c. Someone not from Charles in Charge plays Bernadette, Barney's nerd-hot love interest. As we'll see, she's evil to the core.
d. Scatman Crothers (The Harlem Globetrotters on Gilligan's Island) coaches Barney's baseball team. We'll be referring to him as Coach Shining.
e. Undersexed teacher Miss Burnhart doesn't figure into the plot much, but she'll be the only returning character in the straight-to-video sequel, Zapped Again!, to be reviewed at a later date.
f. A sexy girl in a pink sweater as herself.

a.

b.

c.

d.

e.

f.

Plot Synopsis:
We're introduced to Barney in his high school lab, which apparently only he has access to. He's working on a couple of projects -- growing orchids for the principal, and administering THC to mice which he then puts into tiny SCUBA gear and dunks into fish tanks.

When Barney isn't looking, Coach Shining accidentally pours Barney's experimental orchid growth fluid into Barney's marijuana extract oil. Not long after, Barney's idiot friend Peyton unwittingly adds the reactive ingredient: beer. Barney feeds some of the secret formula to a mouse, which then gains the ultimate superpower: Mind Over Cheese. And it causes Barney to drop the vial of secret formula on the ground. In a bright flash and a plume of smoke, Barney...is Zapped!

After "accidentally" tearing the sexy girl's sweater off with his mind, Barney begins to realize that he's gained telekinetic powers. In short order, he masters those powers, floating half a dozen objects at once with great precision, all in front of a big open window. It doesn't take long for Peyton and nosy journalism student Bernadette to take notice. They all decide -- for some reason -- that they should keep Barney's powers a secret.

Now, this is where the movie gets kind of weird. From here on in, Barney uses his powers in almost every scene...but always frivolously (at best). He never saves any lives or rights any wrongs or even is particularly helpful to anyone. One of the first things he does with his powers is cheat at a baseball game. After nine innings of physics-bending psychological warfare, the opposing team's pitcher actually sits down on the mound and cries. Bernadette, looking on from the bleachers...seems to approve. It's notable that this wasn't set up as being a particularly important game.

Barney spends much of the movie using his powers to get Peyton laid, generally by shaming the sexy sweater girl's beefy college-student boyfriend. I want to make something clear: Peyton does not deserve to have sex with the sweater girl. Actually he's kind of an asshole. But, with help from Barney's powers and his own shameless lies, he does eventually convince sweater girl to have sex with him...and of course he surreptitiously sets his camera to automatically photograph their congress. That's classy.

Something else I want to make clear: Bernadette knows about all of this, and she finds it charming.

INTERLUDE: This movie is more random-scenes-strung-together than plot, really, and a lot of it can be ignored. But the best part of the film must be when Barney and Bernadette incinerate Barney's marijuana plants, and Coach Shining accidentally gets a lungful.

End interlude. Barney continues to charm Bernadette by terrorizing strangers with his powers. In this montage they progress from casual flirtation to full-on sexy time. Note: his mother is afraid to enter her own house without a crucifix because Barney deliberately convinced his parents that he and his wooden dummy were possessed by demons.

I included the entire montage, including the queasy sex scene at the end, against my better judgment. But you see my point: it's not the tube socks that turned her on. It's the willful chaos Barney causes to people who were just minding their own business.

Ah, but then Barney crosses the line: Peyton convinces him to cheat at roulette. Upon discovering that Barney plans to use his powers for profit rather than just the usual random acts of pure terror, Bernadette throws a fit.

When Bernadette stops returning Barney's calls, he hits the bottle and spends a drunken night on his laboratory floor. The next morning he runs into Bernadette on campus and apologizes for gambling. Baio is surprisingly moving in this scene, as an all-powerful boy so smitten that he's willing to commit himself purely to profit-free chaos.

BARNEY
Bernadette, I'm sorry....about the gambling, about acting like an idiot. I'm through with it, it's over. Bernadette, please, don't be mad at me. Go to the prom with me. I mean, we have fun together, don't we? I've never felt this way with anyone before.

She agrees to meet him at the prom. Peyton is prom king, and Sexy Sweater Girl -- who's back with the beefy college guy -- is prom queen, so that's awkward. For no particular reason other than to show up Beefy College Guy, Peyton shows off his sex photo (which Sexy Sweater Girl, up until this point, did not know existed). Quite reasonably, Beefy College Guy takes a swing at Peyton, who is complete slime. Barney sees this, and concentrates...

Now at this point maybe Barney could use his power to stop College Guy's fist from moving, or to push him away. That would have worked fine. But instead, he rips off Sweater Girl's prom dress (and sees everything). And then he rips off everyone else's clothes -- much to their perplexing delight. Barney has now become an agent of pure chaos; note Bernadette's naked glee.

In the end, Barney is hit in the face by a floating bra, and loses his powers...or does he? No, he does not. He was just faking for some reason, and he flies Bernadette home. The end.

Final analysis: This was my first viewing of Zapped!, and, having seen Zapped Again! more than once, I had certain expectations. Those expectations were definitely defied. The film famously ends with that prom scene, and Barney using his powers to tear off everyone's clothes...but unlike the protagonist in the sequel, Barney doesn't seem all that interested in actually looking at people naked, and I think that gives Zapped! its unintentional depth. This is a rare sex comedy in which the main characters are unrepentant, unpunished villains whose only motivation is the senseless humiliation of their peers. Improbably thought-provoking.

The Female Perspective^TM with Julia Katz:
I was confused at first why his parents were so critical of him, like what did he do that was so bad. But then when he started with the dummy stuff, okay, that might raise a red flag...They had to bring a priest in to exorcise the dummy demons. Were they religious weirdos, or were they just really freaked out?
When I saw that scene where they were playing tennis together, it was kind of one scene in a string of scenes where you see him cheating with his power. And his girlfriend knows his powers. He makes the ball change direction and she just gives him this look like "Oh you." I would be like, "You come over here so I can step on your balls." Because that's not cool. That would be annoying to anybody. (Note from Andrew: Julia started to nod off during Coach Shining's weed dream, but I nudged her and she seemed to stay awake for the remainder of the film.)

Furdell Classic Cinema Theatre, Vol. I: Stewardess School

The Film: Stewardess School (1986)

Genre: Bawdy sex comedy, unless that's redundant

Can the entire film be reduced to one animated gif?:

Who are we ripping off?: It's just a more sexist Police Academy, which released its third entry ("Back In Training") a few months before Stewardess School came out.

Made-Up Slang: Stewardesses often refer to themselves as "stews" and to the title institution as "Stew School," much like how newsies talk about selling "papes."

Recognizable cast members:
a. Conan the Barbarian's girlfriend as Wanda, whose primary function in this film is to comically lift and throw people out of things.
b. Veronica Mars's mom as Cindy, the most miscast biker chick in the history of the medium, unless the script called for extreme cognitive dissonance. If you dressed up the girl next door in leather, that would be Cindy. In one scene, she mischievously swaps the tape of boring classical music at a stuffy party with...a tape of slightly more up-tempo alto-sax music.
c. Jack Tripper's wife from Three's a Crowd plays Kelly, unthreatening love interest for protagonist Philo and chronic klutz. Her best scenes often involve accidental scrotum injuries.
d. Marty McFly's sister is Jolean, the obligatory fat stewardess. In one key scene, she sneaks to the fridge for a snack.
e. Ralph Malph plays Philo's idiot horndog friend Bunkle. We're all familiar with the idiot horndog friend character, who drives much of the action with his comical failed attempts to get laid.
f. I don't actually recognize the actress who plays former hooker Sugar DuBois, but according to Wikipedia she attended Julliard. To give you some idea of her range, she once played "Dan's Date" in an episode of Night Court.

a.

b.

c.

d.

e.

f.

Plot Synposis:
Legally blind Philo and his idiot horndog friend Bunkle are thrown out of pilot school because they're legally blind and an idiot, respectively. Bunkle somehow convinces Philo that Stew School is the next best thing, because they'd still be in airplanes. This is inherently wacky because it's 1986, so all stewardesses are either women or very, very gay.

(Seriously, why is nobody this gay anymore?)

We're treated to a series of vignettes in which each member of our ragtag group of misfits decides to enroll, usually due to parental coersion or legal obligation. Next we meet the school's authority figures. The school is run by Roger Weidermeyer (no, really), who only seems to be interested in the bottom line and will thus accept even the most misfitty of students; our main antagonist will be instructor Miss Grummet (again, really), who quite reasonably thinks Weidermeyer's low standards are ruining the school's credibility. Before this film is done, she will faceplant into a toilet.

The first half of the film is devoted to Miss Grummet's gleeful attempts to expel as many students as possible. In one scene, she challenges the gang to a stewardess simulation excercise in which they must serve a planeful of professional "passengers" -- and if you thought the stewardesses were wacky...!

Ultimately, Miss Grummet is overruled by Weidermeyer, who sends the entire crew off to a new, family-owned airline called Stromboli Air (after Carl Stromboli offers Weidermeyer a bribe in exchange for a full crew). Even though they're mostly inept and completely unprepared, they immediately set off for their first flight. The stakes are high, because Miss Grummet is there for some reason, and also one of the passengers -- it could be any of them! -- is an FAA inspector sent to evaluate the crew.

Our heroes are doomed from the outset, though, as one of their passengers is a very twitchy lunatic with a large bomb. In this scene, he drugs the passenger next to him in order to cause a distraction.

To calm that passenger down, the entire stewardess crew holds him down while Sugar Dubois administers a soothing blowjob. Meanwhile, the mad bomber sets a timer on his explosive device, knocks out the pilot, and jumps from the plane. Bunkle fails to defuse the bomb, so it blows a hole in the side of the plane; luckily, Jolean plugs the hole with her fat ass.

(Notice that in the preceeding scene, the plane appeared to be empty of passengers. Very sloppy, makers of Stewardess School. Very sloppy.)

Philo, whose contact lenses were knocked out in a turbulence-related mishap, lands the plane with help from the rest of the crew. But our heroes aren't out of the woods yet. For reasons I don't care to remember, Stromboli Air ends up on trial. (Some of our loyal lawyer readers might be able to help me out here.) Will the stews keep their jobs? It all rests on the testimony of the secret FAA inspector...and it's...the freaked out guy who got the blowjob! Case dismissed!

Final analysis: I first saw this film on "USA Up All Night" in my youth, and it's possible that my love of Stewardess School is steeped in nostalgia. On the other hand, this is inarguably one of the greatest films of all time. It's a master class in boob reaction shots (see animated gif above). Best of all it's under 90 minutes, which -- thanks to the inverse relationship of film quality to duration -- makes it more than twice as good as Lawrence of Arabia. I give it my best rating yet: Eight Suitcases to the Crotch.

The Female Perspective^TM with Julia Katz: Who was this movie made for, is my first question. Was this movie made for really horny guys, who could relate to the horny guys in the movie? I don't know. Just, why? Why make this movie? I don't know. I guess I liked the scene where the fat chick dove into the floatation device and it exploded, and then they were all wet. That was classic. Oh, you know what was funny too? The scene where, I don't know if you'd call him the dean, where he introduces them all to Stewardess School, and all he could do is stare at that chick's boobs. Remember that? Oh yeah, and then he had an erection and he couldn't step away from the podium. How many more sexual antics could you put in a movie? (Note from Andrew: Julia stayed awake through this entire movie.)

Why are you not running to theaters? Like now?

Opening today in theaters near you: Beverly Hills Chihuahua, which is both a long-awaited sequel to Beverly Hilla Ninja and a long-awaited adaptation of a series of Taco Bell commercials.

Actual conversation I had at work, when a preview aired:

ME: Oh, look, it's a movie based on those Taco Bell ads.

HIM: I loved those ads! I hope the movie version doesn't ruin it.

Metropolis, restored

People in the early 20th century had little sense of the historical value of their pop culture; and, celluloid is hilariously flammable. So it's unusual to get good news about old film reels (just ask Universal Studios).

Amazingly, a full theatrical version of Fritz Lang's silent classic Metropolis -- the version thought lost forever -- has turned up in Argentina.

To give you some background: this original theatrical version, which runs about 210 minutes, was only seen in a handful of theaters in Germany in 1927 before it was chopped down to a 90 minute running time for widespread distribution. As you might imagine, certain story elements got pretty severely lost in the process. About six years ago the F.W. Murnau Foundation released a digitally-restored version that clocked in at around two hours and described some of the "lost forever" footage via new title cards -- that's the only version I've seen.

Now if they can only find the director's cut of The Magnificent Ambersons...

Winehouse backs out of Bond movie

In a bit of sad news for James Bond enthusiasts like myself, Amy Winehouse will not be doing the next Bond theme after all, apparently because she's a total mess.

Very disappointing. Whose style is more well-suited to Bond than Winehouse, a sexy young Brit who drinks way, way too much and produces hit songs about same? Well, besides 50 Cent?

Iron Man trailer

In spite of Jon Favreau, this looks promising. Though the musical choice is a bit conspicuous.

"From the studio that brought you Daddy Day Care"

Julia and I just got back from The Simpsons Movie, which was fronted by a trailer for Daddy Day Camp, the sequel to Daddy Day Care, in which Eddie Murphy inexplicably starts a day care center in spite of being actionably inept.

This trailer is remarkable. Here are some highlights...

1. Eddie Murphy has been replaced by Cuba Gooding, Jr. Think about that. Eddie Murphy, the man currently best known for his multiple roles in the career-defining Norbit -- a film so bad, you can rent it from the McDonalds "Red Box" service -- was not willing to appear in this sequel. For his stand in they had to get Norbit co-star and Oscar^tm winner Cuba Gooding, Jr. (Best Actor, Radio¹)
2. In fact, this film is so un-promising that absolutely nobody from the original wanted to be involved, as evidenced by the ominous phrase, "From the studio that brought you Daddy Day Care." Really. You thought it was overboard when they started marketing films as being "from the producer of" other films. Well, they've taken it a step further. My question: Why not say it's from the studio that brought you Spider-Man 2?
3. One of the best trailer lines, possibly ever...Cuba's skeptical wife, upon hearing his premise-inducing plan to take Daddy Day Care to its next logical step, points out: "But you hate the outdoors!" Sounds like a recipe for ZANY!!!

Will DDC2 be the next Snow Dogs? Or will it turn out to be another Boat Trip?² Keep your browser tuned to Furdell Dot Com -- your headquarters for all things Daddy Day Camp-related -- for round-the-clock coverage. You know, you should really set our site as your browser's home page.

¹ I assume.
² I think that how you interpret the last two sentences says a lot about you as a person.

We have a winner

Early frontrunner Joysticks (1983) is now at position 304 on my queue, thanks mostly to the giggle-inducing naughty title. It had some hurdles to overcome, such as the fullscreen presentation (come on, makers of terrible movies on DVD -- some of us are connaisseurs, you know). But in the end, its 83-minute run time won my heart Congratulations, Robert.

So why is "Paint Your Wagon" at 305 on my queue? Because I'll watch any movie that meets my low, low standard for culturally relevance.

A quick explanation about Andrew's Netflix queue. When I say a movie is at position 304, you might think, "ah, with Andrew's strict interpretation of the word 'queue', if he watches 5 movies per week, he'll see that in just a little over a year." Not so!

You see, I share my queue with Julia. Netflix does have a way to let us have separate queues, but it's not particularly fair. (One of us would have 1 pick at home, and the other one would have 2, always.) So we share the same queue. Whereas I've developed a list of almost 300 culturally-relevant (or else so terrible I have to see them) gems, Julia maintains a steady list of about 20 flop romantic comedies made in the last two years.

So, Number 304 will work its way up happily to number 301, but then Julia will add Monster In Law and the Producers remake to the list, incorporate them into her part of the queue, and number 301 gets bumped down to 303.

So, when I say Joysticks is at position 304, it's actually at virtual position 579. But if I live long enough, I will see this movie.

It's that time again

I'm out sick from work. Usually I'd work through it, but unfortunately the nature of my illness involves me having no voice, which makes directing quite difficult. In fact I'm now only able to communicate via blogging. (Although I've managed to communicate with Julia very effectively by just whistling in the same tonality as how I would've spoken something. It's quite a trick, actually.)

Well, it's that time again: time to let one lucky individual put a movie on my Netflix queue. Our last winner, Susana, chose to make me watch Newsies, a 1992 Disney musical about boys who wear vests. Not cool, Susana.

As I recall, Susana unironically liked this film. However, she was probably twelve when she saw it. It's written, directed, and staged like musical theater, instead of like a musical movie; and, considering Christian Bale is the star, he's shockingly unable to dance or sing. Also apparently someone told the screenwriters late in the game that there needed to be a romantic subplot in there, because they phoned that in big-time. This movie also stars Doogie Howser's friend and Ann-Margaret. The biggest disappointment: apparently Robert Duvall had a stroke that only affected the acting part of his brain. Because, oh man, he sucked.

So, here's how it works: anyone not directly related to me can suggest a movie. It can be completely terrible, or you can go the Susana route and pick a movie that only you could possibly like. It has to be available on Netflix, and it has to be a movie I've never seen. (Sorry, Batman & Robin.) Put it in a "comment" to this here blog entry. I'll pick the winner arbitrarily, and it will go on the very bottom of my Netflix queue. I'll see it in a little over 2 years.

There's no easy way out

If Stallone wants me to see Rocky Balboa, he should stop putting out trailers and start forcing me to watch Slate's video slideshow of Rocky montages.

Worst assertion: "1982's Rocky III marks the franchise's descent into extreme narrative laziness", apparently because much of the story is told through montage. What's narratively lazy about paring down a story to its bare essentials and telling it -- to the tune of "Eye of the Tiger", no less -- in under three minutes? That's the narrative equivalent of one-armed pushups at the crack of dawn.

Runner-up: "This [the first montage in Rocky III] is the first indication of the Rocky series' penchant for reverse snobbery. An open display of wealth?appearing in an American Express ad, say?always portends doom. Contrarily, signs of poverty?like shadowboxing on the open road?reveal a steely resolve." I would argue that the first indication was in Rocky, wherein Rocky wore sweats and trained a lot while Apollo Creed just walked around in a suit making ridiculous statements.

Much better assertion: "Sergei Eisenstein might have invented the montage, but this four-minute scene [oddly enough, the training montage from Rocky IV] proves that Sylvester Stallone perfected it." Clearly true.

Blogging about your dreams: probably lame

Last night I stayed up late watching one of my favorite 80s coming-of-age sex romps, Fraternity Vacation. Yes, it only gets 3.2 out of ten stars from IMDB users, but what do they know? It's the only movie of its kind in which every single character, including the villainous rival fraternity brothers, their topless girlfriends, and Amanda Bearse, turns out to be really likeable in the end. And when the nerd loses his virginity to the unattainable girl that the two fraternities were making bets on, everyone seems genuinely happy to have learned a valuable lesson, and Tim Robbins crushes a beer can on his forehead. Seriously, this must be the most feel-good movie ever.

For whatever reason, watching this movie so late caused me to dream that I had written and directed a very faithful remake of FV contemporary Stewardess School (3.1 on the IMDB scale -- yeah, that's probably about right). Only in my version, when the two "male stewardess" main characters realize they're totally about to get laid after all, their mutual celebration devolves -- literally -- as they start to act like chimpanzees, complete with hopping and screeching. In the last shot, one of them throws his poop at the other. The movie is a huge critical success, and I do a magazine interview in which I confront the fact that I'm now being called "The King of Horror," even though I didn't really mean for it to scare people.

Breaking my own rule...again

Long-time Furdell.com fans will remember that I have only once broken the 3rd law of DVD purchasing, when I bought a set of Rocky DVDs before having viewed the universally-hated Rocky V.

Well, I've done it again, this time even more flagrantly, when I purchased...Gojira!!! (That's the only way to say the title of the movie. You have to scream it like a giant lizard's about to stomp you. GOJIRAAAAA!!!!!!)

Why? Well, for one thing, like Cop Land, I've been trying unsuccessfully to watch this film for years. Even when it was rereleased in theaters a few years back I totally missed out, which was extremely lame of me.

Also, this set includes the Americanized version, Godzilla, King of the (yawn) Monsters. (You have to yawn when you read the Americanized title, because it's totally boring compared to GojiiiiiiirrrrrAAAAAAA!!!!). As a study-er of film-related whatnot, I consider that "neat."

Will my horrible gamble pay off this time? Keep refreshing this site over and over and over to find out!

Iron Man: The Movie! ...will suck.

I love Iron Man. He's great. He was my favorite action figure as a child, and definitely played a major role in my later comic book obsession. Sure, nobody ever was able to write an interesting story about him until Kurt Busiek took over his comic in the late-90s. But still...I mean, just look at him! He's so cool! He has all these different armors! With ray beams.

Well, of course a movie has been announced. As to whether it actually gets made, my rule of thumb is "don't believe anything you hear about a comic book movie until you're actually allowed to purchase a ticket." But, in the interest of joining the collective moan of the comic book nerd community, "Waaaaugh, why is Jon Favreau directing." The fact that he was in Swingers can no longer make up for the fact that he directed Made, Elf, and Zathura: Jumanji In Space. And no, I don't care that you liked Elf.

Apparently they've cast Robert Downey, Jr. as Iron Man. That might be overkill...Iron Man is only an alcoholic. (Here's the runner-up link.) I like that casting, but how about a less family-friendly director? Perhaps it's time to tap Paul Verhoeven's valuable experience?

In other news, this weekend's season premiere of Saturday Night Live was hosted by Dane Cook; the next day, TiVo chose to record Simon Sez, in which Dane Cook plays the "comedic" sidekick. This is one of maybe three movies (including Wes Craven's Wishmaster and one other movie that I've blotted out of my memory) that was so bad I never made it all the way through. Why did TiVo do this, you ask? Because someone gave it three thumbs up without my consent.

James Furdell...revenge shall be mine.

A DVD recommendation

I just saw Little Caesar, a 1931 gangster picture starring Edward G. Robinson, see? The movie was good, but the DVD had a really fun feature. I know I'm probably the last DVD fan to discover this.

It's "Warner Night at the Movies," with an optional and pointless introduction from the late Gene Siskel. (He's the dead one, right? Probably.) Anyway, this feature plays the movie after a preview, a newsreel, one or two shorts, and a cartoon. The full old-timey experience. It's a lot of fun...especially projected...

Destiny, thy name is Austin Powers in Goldmember

We've found it at last: the holy grail of movies. Austin Powers in Goldmember.

Whoa there, friend. I'm not saying that Goldmember is anything more than the worst movie I've seen in recent memory. Because it is, in fact, the worst movie I've seen in recent memory.

But it does have a Smashmouth song on the soundtrack...

...and it does, indeed, feature "the robot."

Long time Furdell.com readers know that, by scrolling down the page and looking to the left, you can find two movie lists. The first lists movies, always comedies and often starring Adam Sandler, in which a character does the robot -- that breakdancing technique that is the Hollywood equivalent of laff trak, because it tells you when to laugh without actually being funny.

The second list attempts to document the millions of films for which approximately $2.50 was shelled out to secure the rights to any given song by Smashmouth, especially "All Star."

We have tirelessly pursued that holy grail of movies that has a Smashmouth song AND robot dancing...until today. And thank god somebody else made it so we don't have to.

I'm going to assume that it took us four years to discover that Goldmember had robot dancing only because nobody watched Goldmember, until last night when I took one for the team. But I know there are more robot dance movies out there. Stay alert, faithful reader.

To find the robot scene in Goldmember, just go to the part right before the most racist scene.

Vapid Bond article in Slate

Was an Australian underwear model the best Bond ever? No, in fact, he was the worst. He had all the talent and charisma of a plank of wood with a leering happy face painted on it.

The article wastes several paragraphs arguing that On Her Majesty's Secret Service, Lazenby's only Bond movie, was good and was true to the book. True and true, but I'd say the film was good in spite of a lead who can't act. Also the article implies that Connery crawled back to the series after his career failed to take off, which goes counter to the more popular idea that the Broccoli family went crawling to Connery with a huge salary offer when they realized Lazenby couldn't act to save his life.

More mistifying to me is the author's disregard of other Bond actors for conflicting reasons. Roger Moore is "vapid" and Pierce Brosnan a "lightweight" compared to Connery and Lazenby (yeah, George Lazenby was just the picture of masculinity, right). But Timothy Dalton, the darkest, most violent, closest-to-the-source-material Bond, not to mention a man who can actually act, is "rightly forgotten." Unlike Lazenby, who's some kind of lost cinematic treasure. Huh.

Ah, but I see the author of the article is from Texas. That explains it. As we all know, all Texans are ignorant 100% of the time. Why don't we just let them secede already? WHY?

The two most ironic lines from Last Action Hero

RUNNER UP:

But now, Arnold IS a politician! Get it? Maybe? Well, here's a better one: the number one most ironic line from Last Action Hero...

Sounds like a reference to Grass, right? But we all know Arnold hates early 20th century American poetry! Get it? Don't you get it?

That's right, I'm just catching up on the movies you all saw in 1993.

Other thoughts not worthy of an entire blog entry:

• If Death from The Seventh Seal walked off a movie screen (because for some reason it's showing in Los Angeles), wouldn't he speak Swedish?


• This movie would have been much better with a less annoying child star. Arnold's character is surprisingly complex.


• The main bad guy should have actually been played by Ron Silver, and not by his body double.


• It seems the bad guy's butler, who I thought was played by Oddjob from Goldfinger, was in fact played by Subzero from The Running Man, which is somehow even more awesome.

More DVD talk from Andrew

From now on, this will just be my DVD blog. Not really.

Anyway, you'll all be sad to know that Wedding Crashers narrowly escaped the Robot Movies list. Apparently the auteurs found out about our list, and the movie's Robot scene ended up on the cutting room floor. It's the scene where Vince Vaughn and Owen Wilson karaoke "99 Red Balloons." Yeah, that's right, karaoke is a verb now.

Come to think of it, that scene is one of the wisest cuts ever. Everything about it just screams comedy clich?. Throw Ben Stiller in there, and suddenly I can't distinguish this from any other Hollywood comedy.

Actually Wedding Crashers was a lot better than I expected. I usually hate Vince Vaughn, for example, but he spends a lot of time in this movie getting hit by things, so that worked out.

But what's even better than the movie, is the "Uncorked" DVD. Pretty much every recent comedy gets the same DVD treatment: a theatrical cut version totally free of special features, and a feature-packed "unrated" edition. "Unrated" is supposed to make you think "more titties," but it turns out all it means is "this cut was never up for review by the MPAA, because we edited out scenes that made the movie worse than it already is."

(DVDs that represent the film as it would have been if the artists involved didn't have to water down the sex and violence for a preferred MPAA rating -- like Robocop and Basic Instinct -- do exist, but they're few and far between.)

Nitpicky? Maybe. But I've been angry for years that I can only watch the "expanded", or "lame" version of Superman: The Movie.

So why is the Uncorked Edition of Wedding Crashers so great? Because it gives you the option! You can go either "uncorked" or "theatrical." Being a purist, and Wedding Crashers being as it is our generation's Touch of Evil*, I went "theatrical." I haven't yet personally come across any other DVD that gives this option.

*Citizen Kane was too obvious.

When will George Lucas die already?

...so we can see his movies the way they were originally intended to be seen.

Pardon my bitterness. I just watched Georgie's first feature-length film, THX 1138, courtesy Netflix. Unfortunately only the...ugh..."director's cut" is available on DVD, and in true Lucas fashion, it adds all kinds of anachronistic CGI.

I don't mean it looks anachronistic for the futuristic setting of THX 1138, but rather it just looks wrong for a movie released in 1971. The unexplained creatures who attack THX in the end look, well, like bad CGI -- like the troll in the first Harry Potter movie, for example. Kinda cartoony and not real. So, why do that? Why add something to a movie that people respect just fine already?

There's also some explosions, and some more subtle effects, but they still take you out of the story and make you think "How'd he do that thirty years ago?" Turns out he didn't. Bah!

Yes, I'm blogging about Superman again

So I was watching Buffy Season 6 (yes, I got the "Chosen Collection," because I am a nerd). For the uninitiated, that's the season where former magic junkie and Buffy best friend Willow witnesses the accidental murder of her longtime girlfriend Tara, and as a result Willow goes to the extremely dark side and tries to destroy Earth.

Like so many things, it reminds me of Superman: The Movie (note: if you don't put in that last part of the title, you must be talking about something else!). Specifically, it reminds me of the last act, in which Lois Lane dies as an indirect result of Lex Luthor's completely brilliant scheme. Superman looks up at the sky, does a spine-chilling rage scream, and then totally defies his father's decree to never interfere with human history.

It's the same camera angles and everything. Slip in a "Osiris, obey my will!" and black out Superman's eyes and you're watching Buffy.

So here's what I'm thinking: Because Tara died in a mundane way (she was shot), Willow was powerless to resurrect her, and that's why she ended up going apeshit. So, if Superman didn't have the power to completely shatter all science, what would he have done for vengeance? I like to think he would have thrown the Earth into the Sun. That would've been cool.

It just goes to show you: absolute power corrupts, but slightly less than absolute power means we're all doomed as soon as something bad happens to your girlfriend.

At MI5, they say there's no business like ho business

So I haven't seen 50 Cent's semi-biopic Get Rich or Die Tryin', but I understand he has some kind of problem expressing emotions, or "acting." It got me thinking: what would I do if a team of high-powered movie producers came up to me and said, "Andrew, you're contractually obligated to make a movie with 50 Cent. Get on that."

Since this fantasy is already improbable, I'd say: "Why, I'll just cast him in my next project, Bond 32: A Batman to Kill For." (Yes, in my fantasy land I'm hired to make a crossover film that breaks the trillon dollar box office mark.) 50 Cent can play the silent henchman, so the only emotion he has to convey is "badass."

He'll need a gimmick, of course. How about: getting shot doesn't kill him! It's just like real life, but in the movie we'll make it look sexy. Too out there, you say? Look, Jaws fell out of a plane without a parachute and looked fine a few scenes later. Bond dropped a frikkin' building on him and he just brushed his coat off. I think we can hit fiddy with a few shells and have him not walk with a limp, aight?

(Did I tell my Richard Kiel story already? Oh, I totally did. Never mind then.)

And best of all, we can have him do the theme song on the cheap, in the grand tradition of...oh...I'm going to go with Get Over It.

"Stop, Andrew!" you cry. "Bond and gangsta rap are two great tastes that just don't make sense together! A gangsta Bond theme would be lame." That's where you're wrong, friend.

First of all, I'd like to point out that Bond themes change with the times. Bond had a disco period, and 80s pop period, and recently a techno period. These days it's all about the rap.

Secondly, thematically, Bond and gangsta rap have everything in common! "Oh no I di'n't"? Oh yes I did, reader. Play this game when you're bored: How many aspects of gangsta rap can you name that are 100% interchangeable with James Bond?

• Excessive drinking, often of champagne
• Conspicuous consumption
• Killing people, and being okay with that
• Sexual promsicuity, especially with improbably-named women

50 Cent's "If I Can't" from his debut album (chorus: "If I can't do it homey, it can't be done") is essentially Carly Simon's "Nobody Does It Better", with more F-bombs. Since most of his songs are about how awesome he is, you can just replace the name "50 Cent" with "James Bond" and get something pretty good. Consider Snoop Dogg's interlude in "P-I-M-P":

J-A-M-E-S B-O-N-D and S-N-double-O-P!

Hell, if 50 does a song about casino gambling and extreme winter sports, I'll have to upgrade him from henchman to James Bond himself. (Or Batman.)

"Fine, Andrew,' you concede graciously, "gangsta rap and James Bond have a lot in common. But Bond's still too snooty to listen to rap." Well then, dear reader, allow me to direct your attention to Xzibit A, a bit of forgotten dialogue from Goldfinger:

BOND
(at his most pretentious ever)
My dear girl, there are some thingsh that jusht aren't done, such as drinking Dom Perignon '53 above the temperature of 38 degreesh Fahrenheit. That'sh jusht as bad as lishtening to the Beatlesh without earmuffsh! I prefer the Monkees.

ODDJOB
(sneakily)
::hits Bond in the back of the head::

(He didn't really say he prefers the Monkees.) But less than nine years later, best Beatle Paul McCartney did one of the most awesome Bond themes of all time.

Oops, gotta go switch the morning news. In closing, you know I'm right.

The Longest Yard (2005): A Triple Robot

Once again, I'm very disappointed in you.

This time, you failed to report that the Adam Sandler remake The Longest Yard should be added to the Robot List, which has been lagging far behind the easier-to-update Smashmouth list.

Whats worse, TLY is a rare "triple robot." It contains the following:

1.) A scene in which a character does the "robot dance" for comedic effect;
2.) A later scene, referencing the first, in which a large group does the same dance; and
3.) Scenes from the 1986 favorite Short Circuit.

Other interesting tidbits about this film:

• The only prison movie I can think of in which all the homosexual sex is entirely consentual.
• Killing off the comic relief early is a bad move in a comedy.
• There's this scene where Adam Sandler is going to recruit a prisoner to a football team, and I swear this prisoner is in Hannibal Lector's cell. That would definitely have made this movie, if it was Hannibal in there. "Yes, Adam Sandler. I'll play on your football team but you must do something for me in return. Tsssssst tsst tsst." (It's funnier when you actually hear me do the voice.)
• Another guy he gets for the team is obviously Green Mile. Not the actor, mind you...just the character. But without healing powers, I guess.
• Yet again we learn that no Adam Sandler movie is complete without a cameo from Rob Schneider.

This is, by the way, Adam Sandler's third robot movie, according to the official Furdell.com tally. Thank you, Adam Sandler, for thinking the robot dance is still funny. It's right up there with "old people being cute" and "peeing on things" for you, isn't it. You complete scum.

An open letter to my brother about Cannonball Run II

Dear James,

Or disagreements on the Cannonball Run franchise are well documented. Well, today I saw Cannonball Run II at long last, and I can say with great accuracy and certainty that you are completely wrong, in every way, about everything ever.

Yes, it's true -- I watched this movie sober, which is a mistake of high magnitude. And sure, I didn't have the benefit of Celebrity Movie-Watching Pal Matt Bernstein ("He'll make it funny -- guaranteed"), but I suspect neither did you when you first liveblogged this film. And yes, the fact that the DVD was pan-and-scan did hurt some of the more peripheral sight gags, but again, I believe your TiVo'd version, no doubt addled with commercial interruptions, was much the same. Therefore, more or less, I think we were watching the same movie.

So how could you say that this pale imitation is better than the original? The only conclusion I can reach is that you were adopted and that we are in fact not blood relatives.

Allow me to elaborate. First of all, the interplay between Burt and Dom is much less slappy in this sequel, and as a result, the outtakes suffer. That Merilu Henner is somehow attracted to Dom, and that aging Burt is attracted to aging Shirley MacLaine, is highly upsetting. Frank Sinatra's appearance is entirely Frank-indulgent and annoying. Richard Kiel proves once agani that he is much better in non-speaking roles.

(A note: I met Richard Kiel at a comic book convention. This is true. He was asking $10 for one glossy photo, or $20 for 3. I asked for one photo from The Spy Who Loved Me. Richard Kiel, who was huge and ugly as you'd expect but less intimidating because he didn't look like he could stand up on his own, said "You know, for $10 more, you can have three pictures." Less thinking than usual, I blurted out, "Sure, but what would I do with three pictures of Richard Kiel?" He didn't talk to me after that.)

Even the crazy proctologist from the first movie manages to not be funny in the sequel. Perhaps this movie's only saving grace is the return of Molly Picon as Mrs. Goldfarb -- a cameo that you must not have noticed, James, as you failed to mention it in your liveblog. Just further proof that you simply don't know what you're talking about!

The only genuine laugh I got out of this film, was that chimpanzee. Yes, dear reader, the chimp joke is played out -- I'm not one to laugh at just a chimp. But this chimp is accompanied by some hilarious music. "Doo Doo doo-doo-doo, doo-doo-doo, CRASH! SPLAT!"

I give this film my lowest rating ever: twelve stars. Take that! James, I'm having your Film Studies degree from prestigious Emory University revoked. Remember: It's not what you do, it's how you do it. Cannonball.

Your brother?
Andrew

"My Lucky Day"

Here's the movie I made this summer. It's around 7 minutes and 17.5 MB -- thanks to RM for compressing and hosting it.

My thoughts: I needed more time to edit (especially where sound was concerned). I got some complaints that the score wasn't whimsical enough. My most consistent praise concerned casting, which, yes, I did, but I can't help but feel like that's just complimenting the actors. Ah well.

COMPUTO UPDATE: Some of you are aware that my computer, COMPUTO, recently suffered a cataclysmic crash and refused to start up (the words "Unexpected Kernel Mode Trap" are forever burned into my brain). After several days worth of failed attempts, I came to the conclusion that my problem was not hardware related, but could not be fixed via safe mode -- and so the hard drive had to be formatted, and the cycle started anew. My computer is now called "ASTATRON."

Interestingly, all kinds of stuff is working now that didn't before. My DVD-ROM drive works. It can actually read discs now, instead of just sitting there like before. And, the "New Hardware Found" wizard doesn't pop up every time I start up my machine. So it all worked out for the best.

A Tip to Actors

Don't put Blind Date on your resum?'s list of TV work. Elimidate is also not as impressive as you'd think.

That is all.

You've let me down again, Internet.

Hitch I could understand. That robot dance came at the very end, almost during the credits.

But how do you explain The Pacifier, which had not one, but two instances of Smashmouth music?

Of all our readers, at least a couple must have seen this Vin Deasel vehicle, if for no other reason, then because it had a Gilmore Girl in it. (Rorelai I think.)

So once again: if you see a movie with robot dancing used for comedic effect, or any Smashmouth song, leave the theater immediately and contact me. It is exactly that important. If we don't keep these lists up-to-date, we'll never be able to find that one elusive movie that has both robot dancing and Smashmouth music, or better yet, robot dancing to Smashmouth music. For only then can we at last rest.

It just never stops being funny

Now using the "robot" breakdancing technique for the purpose of humor: Hitch, starring Will Smith.

Speaking of which...

Apparently they'll be releasing all the Thin Man sequels on DVD in August. And I've been TiVoIng them on Turner Classic Movies like some kind of peasant!

Cute.

Slate has an article suggesting that Michael Jackson should have named his chimp "Asta" after the dog from The Thin Man, as I did my cat. They link to an Asta fan site. Apparently he was also in Bringing Up Baby...who knew.

A philosophical question

Robert Duvall as "Buck" Weston in Kicking and Screaming: "You'll never beat your old man at anything!"

Oh, they didn't just slip a Great Santini reference into their Will Ferrell kids' movie. No, they went ahead and made it a major part of the plot.

6 things you should know about Shark Tale

1. I did not choose to watch Shark Tale.

   You have to understand that, back when I had two roommates, I was only able to get them to split my Netflix bill by alternating movie picks with them. Now I only live with Julia, my lovely girlfriend (hi Julia), but her picks leave something to be desired.

   Imagine following up The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly with White Chicks and it's like you live in our house.

2. Long time readers of Furdell.com are well aware that the lowest form of humor, right after "involves poop," is puns. That being the case, Shark Tale is a very, very, very bad film. The first five minutes packs in more puns than my high school english teacher managed in my entire junior year, and for those of you who didn't take English with me in 1997, that was a lot of puns. So many that I developed a Pun Defense System (PDS). It went a little something...like this.
   MS. LONG So you see class, it seems that Julius Caesar's friends were real brutes.

   ME
   Yes, good point. They were indeed loutish.

   Note that Katie Couric plays a character -- presumably based on herself -- named "Katie Current." Isn't that clever? Because current is a word you might associate with water! Which is like fish!

3. Did you know? Renee Zellweger put on three hundred million pounds to play the role of Angie, a fish.
   
4. If you thought Robert de Niro hit rock bottom in Meet the Fockers, you were way off. Oh for the halcyon days of Analyze That and The Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle. Wait, what?
5. After the longest 83 minutes of my life, the movie ends. Then comes the credits. Instead of outtakes, Shark Tale goes with a kind of system: wait five minutes; show a brief animation that wasn't worth waiting for; repeat.

   The worst example? Some kind of crab thing comes on the screen and, mockingly (I'm not imagining this), says "It's not even half-way done yet! HAW HAW HAW." This reminded me of the much-loved pod race scene from Star Wars Episode I: The Suckening, in which, after one excrutiatingly long lap of being forced to watch a little kid who can't act fly around in a circle, we are treated to Jar Jar Binks, who says, and these words are burned forever into my mind: "He has to do that two more times?"

   I don't know if I'm remembering things wrong, but I swear there was a crane shot when I stood up in the theater and yelled "NOOOOOOOOO!!!!"

6. Remember how I said Shark Tale was a Julia pick? Well, that's not to say she stays awake through the whole thing. She makes it about 30 minutes into any given movie. (Usually I look at her eyes every 5 minutes to determine exactly when she falls asleep. Today, I felt lazy and just mumbled "are you still awake?", which of course garnered no response.)

   Do to a personal rule, I am still forced to watch the entire movie from start to finish. (If you think that's ridiculous, you should see my DVD purchasing rules.) So, according to my Netflix queue, I'll soon be watching The Grudge with an unconscious girl in the room. That's the American remake, mind you. I should make her pay extra.

---

UPDATE!

---

I forgot one.
7. In the end, the fish played by Will Smith introduces fishes played by Missy Elliot and Christian Aguilera. Since warbling disco hits in abysmal movies is apparently her thing, Christina sings "Car Wash," which Missy declares "a Shark Tale exclusive," as if that somehow makes it more valuable. Bad Boys II Soundtrack. Word.

Earth's Best Trailer: Robot Jox

Ah, this brings back memories. I never actually saw the film, but I saw the trailer over and over again for some reason.

"I'm gonna kick...your..." (EXPLODE!!!)

It would have been worth the ticket price just to find out what that guy was going to kick.

As expected...

The "campusmoviefest" show was last night. We were told they would be showing the 10 best films. They did. As expected, we saw ten horrible, horrible student films, complete with stupid-looking effects, inaudible dialogue, bad lighting and framing, and not a plot among them. Oh -- and none of them was ours.

Oh, but wait! The show's not over. There are four more, award-winning films left. (I assumed as much; there's no way they'd show all that crap and not show our film.)

Then they showed four more films. None of which were ours.

So there you have it: Fruitless is worse than fourteen terrible, terrible movies. Deeply depressing.

Positive spin: We knew the judging criteria, and deliberately ignored it. In our defense, we had been told the wrong theme (a theme to which most of the movies shown tried desperately to pander); not in our defense, we never even planned to incorporate the theme we thought it was going to be. Another criteria is how well effects are used, and since effects are stupid-looking, we didn't.

Negative spin: Fourteen? Fourteen? I just applied to a bunch of film schools. What the hell was I thinking? I have no future.

My prediction? Well, pain, obviously.

We are so going to lose tomorrow.

(For those of you who don't remember, I'm talking about how our movie is going to lose campusmoviefest.)

There are two major reasons why we are doomed. In reverse order:

2. We didn't use any stupid effects.

One of the judging criteria is actually how well you use iMovie's special effects features, which are, by the way, awful. Last year's winner from Emory was a "parody" of The Ring (in quotes because it wasn't at all "funny") that extensively used iMovie's revolutionary ability to speed up motion. Second place was a movie so boring that I only saw the first 45 seconds, but in that amount of time they managed to work in sepia tone.

And our movie? Well, we played around with lighting a little, but nothing anyone would notice. (There is that school of thought that editing shouldn't draw attention to itself.) In other words, as people who have made movies before, we edited it well instead of using all of iMovie's bells and whistles, and for that we will surely suffer.

1. Corporate sponsorship.

Each year, this contest has a new "theme." Submitted films are asked to conform to the theme, no matter how loosely. Our team, hilariously, was told the wrong theme. Even when we found out the right one, though, we had no idea how to work it in. The theme is "Good comes around." We had already decided on the cat thing, in which there is no good, either coming or going. We decided to ignore the theme.

Come to find out that Delta, the festival's major sponsor, has a new slogan, "Good goes around," which, well, I have no idea what it means. But that's beyond the point -- this can't possibly be a coincidence. In other words, we should have done a movie about the convenience and affordability of air travel -- or at least something that a company can use to show off what great things it's funding. Robert, you were right about one thing: my Hitler & Stalin! idea would not have worked out. But the cat idea is definitely no better.

In short, tomorrow's winner will:
* be effects-heavy, with sped-up motion, over-use of the "gong" sound effect, and star wipe.
* be entirely toothless.
* suck.
* not be our movie.

Now you, too, can watch Fruitless

RM has fixed his broken-ass website. You can now watch our movie.

See how the passage of time is marked by me needing a shave? Movie magic.

Production Diary: Fruitless

As James has hinted, I haven't been a good blogger lately because I've been focusing on movie-making. I recently made the rotten mistake of applying to film schools, which involves a lot of waiting around and nail-biting, so actually making a movie was good both for distracting me, and for bolstering my chances when I have to reapply next year because nobody wants me.

Right. Whoa, okay, side note: I've started listening to an internet radio station that does movie soundtracks, so I can play the "do I recognize it" game. Right now they're totally playing the theme from Vision of Escaflowne. Weird.

Back to the matter at hand.

So my unfortunately named friend, Syed Adnan Hussein, approached me about campusmoviefest, a contest that started at Emory and has since been desperately trying to work other places. The idea behind the contest was to prove to college freshmen that it's easy to make a video using iMovie and other assorted Mac products, but I suspect everyone learns the exact opposite.

Adnan had all sorts of completely incorrect information about the contest, all of which pointed to us having a good shot at winning. (For example, he still thinks it will somehow help us that he's a graduate student. True, this contest is mostly populated by freshman dorm halls forced by their resident advisors to participate, but I don't think the fact that we're doing it too is going to work in our favor.)

So we decided to put together a movie, based on an idea I've been kicking around for a while. I won't go into a lot of detail, but it's moderately complex, requires around five actors, some props, a lot of locations, and it should run around 7 minutes -- and have a really excellent montage. We estimated that, if we worked hard, we'd be finished in mid-March.

We found actors, we gathered props, we scouted locations -- and then we hit our first snag. The movie must be no longer than five minutes.

Not a problem. It'll be a tight five minutes. We'll have to cut away fast, but that's a good thing. We can still --

Snag Two: There's a restriction regarding music. Recall that about half of our movie is taken up by a montage, which I had planned to score with the disco hit Heaven Must Be Missing an Angel. No good. You can make your own music, or you can use one of the 800 songs by local artists that the contest provides, each of which is worse than the last.

We can work with this. This is not the end. Hell, all I need is a bad song. We can totally --

Snag Three: It's due in five days.

Exactly how these people expect anyone to put something remotely good together in five days -- let alone five minutes of something good -- is entirely beyond me. And yet, sure enough, this was in the rules. In fact, only 10% -- that's 50 seconds at most -- of the finished product can consist of footage shot before the 5-day period.

Of course, this can only work in our favor. Frequent commenter RM, a major component of our team, has all kinds of editing equipment and is a much faster video editor than any of the other teams could possibly have, and he and I both are plenty familiar with the tricks and the pitfalls of filming what have you. Advantage: us. But my complicated idea had to go.

New challenge: come up with something that can be filmed in two days, and edited in the remaining three. It shouldn't have more than 2 actors, as few props as possible, maybe one location, and it better be no longer than two minutes. (Note: everyone else turns in a 5-minute movie, but everyone else's movie sucks.)

My first idea was an adaptation of a comic strip I did in high school, in which Hitler and Stalin live together in an apartment. (Stalin is the neat one, Hitler is the messy one.) I was voted down -- "too offensive." My ass.

Unfortunately, I had shown Adnan a tape of the movies I made in 2002. Like everyone else in the world, he liked the one with the cat. And he wanted us to remake it. Blaaaargh.

Bonus picture from the original cat movie:

The original was actually part of a larger project, Three Dreams..., in which I filmed three funny dreams I had (because it's easier than actually writing something). The cat dream was, in fact, particularly hilarious, and surprisingly easy to film. On the other hand, in its original form it took only about 20 seconds. So it would need to be padded, which could only decrease the funny. And problem #2: I've already done it! Come on, people!

But they wouldn't do Hitler & Stalin: The Odd Couple!, and I sure didn't want to wait around for another idea. We only had five days. So remember, if we lose the contest, it's totally their fault for picking the wrong project.

I wrote something. We went over it a few times and added some extra jokes. (Or at least, I thought they were jokes. One of them is about a miscarriage, which I grant isn't generally funny, but in this context I found it hilarious. Hmm.) Because really, what we had here was one good joke -- maybe two, if you count the concept -- stretched out to 2 minutes. Problematic.

Filming went more-or-less as planned, except that my cat was a total diva. He refused to stay when we needed him to stay, or to move when we needed him to move. The cat in the previous movie had been a lot easier to manipulate. (I just reviewed my notes from that production: apparently, to get the cat to look in the right direction, I was waving another cat around off-camera.)

Editing, thankfully, was lightning-fast. We had one last conflict, this time over the title. I wanted to call it We Broke Up. Everyone, of course, hated that idea. (For the record, Julia, who again provides the voice of the cat, agreed with me.) We ended up settling on Fruitless, which in almost no way describes the movie, but at least it's memorable. Remember, if we lose the contest, it's their fault for insisting on the wrong title.

So we did the cat thing. One day RM will realize that the link he posted is dead, and you'll be able to see it yourself. I agree with RM's assessment -- given the X-treme constraints, we put together a pretty good product. It's certainly better than last year's winners, all of which, for some reason, had a lot of sped-up motion. Maybe the judges are Benny Hill fans.

The contest happens on Thursday. Check back here with baited breath to find out if we actually win anything. Then I can start fretting about grad school again. Or, I can make another movie...

Andrew's Notes: Blade III

With my eleven free movie passes, the theatre was my oyster. I could see any movie I wanted. There was just one problem: all movies suck. Well, that's not really the problem. It did trouble me that, of the two movies I was vaguely interested in, one was a sequel to a remake, and the other was the second sequel to an adaptation of a very lame comic book.

In the end, I opted to see the one that nobody else would see with me -- Blade: Trinity. Why it has "Trinity" in the title, I do not know. Assessment: Pretty good. I had very low expectations for Blade, being as it was based on a truly godawful comic book character with no popularity to speak of, but that movie turned out to be awesome. I then had raised exectations for Blade II, which was completely awful. So, my expectations were once again way, way low for the latest installment, which perhaps led to my liking it.

Unfortunately, you didn't see it with me. However, using technology and science, you can see it with me! Just print out the following handy guide to Things I Would Have Said in a Loud Voice During the Film, and read it to yourself during key scenes. It'll be like having me right there with you. Awesome!

* Oh, look at that -- I see Parker Posey will be playing herself again. Seriously, she's nuts. When I first saw the outtakes at the end of Josie and the Pussycats, I was pretty sure there would be one where she pulls out a knife and plunges it into Alan Cumming's heart again and again, while screaming something crazy like "I'm filling you with my stabs!!!"

* Wait a second, didn't Kris Kristofferson die in the first one? Oh, they brought him back for the second, right? How'd that work out again? No, don't tell me. I'm better off not remembering.

* How does framing Blade for murder work into the vampires' master plan at all? I'll tell you how: it doesn't. It's a complete time waster. I don't see why you need to set him up anyway -- he freely admits to having murdered almost 1,200 humans. He's not even shy about it! Plus, later in this movie, he's going to shoot a guy in the back, for no reason at all! Weird.

* Ah, Hannibal King. I read his debut issue, Tomb of Dracula #25, which was pretty great. It was a kind of classic noir private investigator story, except that the killer turned out to be a vampire. Then on the last page you find out the reason King, the P.I., wasn't too shocked about it: he's a vampire too! Neat.

In this movie, he's more of a wisecracking sidekick -- a Nick Miranda to Wesley Snipes's Simon Sez, if you will. Wait, that was a terrible analogy. Anyway, he's funny, and they give him all the best lines, which include some of the more vivid and imaginative profanity I've ever heard. My favorite scene evokes that scene in The Princess Bride where Westley is horribly injured, but he kind of peppers everything he says with insults to seem like he's a force to be reckoned with: "It's possible, pig, I might be bluffing. It's conceivable, you miserable, vomitous mass..." Now just replace "pig" with "cock-juggling thundercunt," and you have Hannibal King.

* Whoa, why is Hannibal watching Incubus -- the William Shatner movie that's in Esperanto? That's an obscure little reference if there ever was one, and I like it. We must never be allowed to forget that Shatner once starred in an all-Esperanto movie.

* This fight scene is fast, and confusing.

There you have it! Now we've seen the movie together. Let's go back to your place and totally do it!

A series of sexy events

Yesterday I attended a free sneak preview showing of Jude Law's A Series of Old Jim Carrey Acts Brought to You By AFLAC. (IMDB is not whistling Dixie when it lists, among the cast, Gilbert Gottfried as the AFLAC duck.)

This movie's got something for everyone. Small children will enjoy the Home Alone-esque antics of Sunny, the baby who bites things a lot and communicates via subtitles; old men will enjoy lusting after a 16-year-old girl:

Actually, the movie had a healthy dose of darkness and was certainly salvageable. Unfortunately -- hmm -- right before Jim Carrey was about to do away with Meryl Streep (WARNING: That was a spoiler! HAHAHAHA), the theatre experienced some technical difficulties, and the film stopped. I spent the next half hour or so egging on a bunch of unruly kids, which was great fun. It occured to me that, with an army of small children, I would be unstoppable. Who's gonna shoot little kids? Even with riot gear? I mean, come on.

Julia, my mysterious girlfriend who I usually avoid blogging about (hi Jules!), went to check on the other theatre, which was working fine. Should have gone with theatre "5" instead of "4." (Note: in the beginning of the movie, Jude Law tells us that we could see a much more pleasant and nicey-nice movie in theatre 2; little did he know that's where they were playing Blade: Trinity.) On the way back, an usher had given Julia two free tickets to compensate for our sad, wasted experience.

This came as a surprise to me, since we had gotten in free in the first place. But I'm not one to look a coveted AMC Readmittance Pass in the mouth. So, on the way out, I made sure to get two free tickets as well, from a different usher. Then Julia caught up with me.

"Did you get two free tickets?" said I. "Oh, wait a sec." She ran back in and got two more passes, bringing our total up to six. We felt very naughty.

Walking down the hall to the exit, we contemplated hopping to Ocean's 12 on a nearby screen, but decided against it. Obviously, God smiled upon our good deed (or more accurately, lack of bad deed just then), because there was yet another woman giving out free passes to irked parents on the way out. I stood in line, ready to get another two passes.

"How many in your party?" "Two," said some guy. Following the lead of those around me, I held out two fingers to speed the process along. "Three," said some old lady. "Well, there were five of us, but I'll just take three. I don't want to get greedy," said some completely stupid, even older lady. "No, no, I insist," insisted usher lady. Then she turned to me. "There were five of us." The guy next to me chuckled. If the usher suspected anything, she was too busy to care; she didn't even separate the last five passes of the book, she gave me the whole thing.

So, there you have it: while the movie isn't great, seeing it could lead to massive profits. I recommend!

Further Robot/Smashmouth updates

My thanks to Jeremy for identifying Zoolander and Eight Crazy Nights as Robot Dance movies. (That's movies that use the robot breakdancing technique as shorthand for "this character is a retard," or sometimes "hey! look! it's the robot dance -- that's funny, right? laugh oh god please laugh or I'll never work in Hollywood again.")

For a brief, shining moment, both the Robot Dance and Smashmouth lists stood tall with 10 movies each -- until I discovered two more Smashmouth movies. (That's movies whose soundtracks feature the bland, overplayed pop that only Smashmouth can provide.) But still, 10 robot movies ought to be enough for us to all finally admit that the joke is over. It just...isn't...funny.

Hmm, I guess I didn't notice the Smashmouth song in The Sweetest Thing because I was busy wretching. Just thinking about that movie makes me a little ill. Actually I'm kind of surprised there wasn't robot dancing in that one.

Thought you could slip one by me, eh, Smashmouth?

Luckily, the Onion AV club watched America's Heart & Soul so I didn't have to.

Hey now! I'm an all-star! Get my game on! So catchy and inoffensive!!! Let's put it in all our movies!!!! Hooray for Smashmouth!!!!!

Shocking. Positively...shocking.

Somewhere in Chile...

U.S. officials said Chilean police had been chafing for a week about a demand by Secret Service agents that they control the president's space, even when he was on sovereign turf. Now, it was payback time.

In the fracas that ensued, amid a flurry of half nelsons, one Secret Service agent wound up jammed against a wall. "You're not stopping me! You're not stopping me! I'm with the president!" an unidentified agent can be heard yelling on videotape of the mayhem.

...

Then Bush either realized he was missing something, or he heard the commotion. The president, who is rarely alone, even in his own house, turned and walked back to the front door unaccompanied, facing the backs of a sea of dark suits. Bush, with his right hand, reached over the suits and pointed insistently at Trotta. At first the officials, with their backs to him and their heads in the rumble, did not realize it was the president intervening. Bush then braced himself against someone and lunged to retrieve the agent, who was still arguing with the Chileans. The shocked Chilean officials then released Trotta.

Trotta walked in behind Bush, who looked enormously pleased with himself. He was wearing the expression that some critics call a smirk, and his eyebrows shot up as if to wink at bystanders.

Bush adjusted his right cufflink and muttered something to Lagos, took the first lady's arm and headed into the dinner of grilled fish.

Ouch.

Why oh why will nobody bid on the Rocky DVD set that I shouldn't have purchased? Do they know my horrible secret? Savvy bastards!

Recent epiphany: I am no longer a comic book collector. I mean, I still have thousands of comic books meticulously stored and ordered. But I don't think about it nearly as much as my rapidly-growing DVD collection, which is much less shame-inducing. If comics were still exactly like they were in the mid-to-late '80s, I think I'd still be all about them. Or maybe if they went back to calling Captain America a commie smasher.

Only the CIA knows for sure

It's high time the intelligence community came clean and told us exactly what was the last film John F. Kennedy saw before his assassination.

According to many sources, including its own DVD packaging, that honor belongs to Tom Jones, starring Albert Finney as the title sex bomb. The movie was so popular that they later added an exclamation point to the end and made it a musical television series, this time starring Tom Jones as himself.

However, certain fringe groups claim that Kennedy watched From Russia With Love, the second James Bond film, a full three days later. The James Bond novels had gained a great deal of popularity several years before when Kennedy listed From Russia With Love as one of his top ten favorite books. Coincidence? No!

Bonus: Can you name more movies that claim to be JFK's last? If so...do it.

Are comic book movies held to an unfair standard?

During a recent viewing of The Punisher, I kept thinking about the reviews, which were almost universally negative. I can't figure this out at all. It's a really solid action movie, with pornographic levels of violence. Arrows get shot through necks! Knives get jabbed into people! Hot water is thrown in faces! And guns, guns, GUNS!!!

It even has great action movie dialogue:

If The Punisher isn't awesome, then no action movie possibly can be -- and we know that's not the case. So why do so many people pretend to not like this movie?

Is it because comic book movies are judged on a different scale from movies with other source material? Why do the effects-laden Lord of the Rings movies deserve multiple Oscars, while the in-my-opinion-better Spider-Man films don't get so much as a nomination? Why is Daredevil -- an entirely passable movie with some good villain performances -- given worse reviews than the unwatchable Resident Evil: Apocalypse?

Just for Kimberly

If you can navigate the most god-awful site design on the web, you can view the trailer for the upcoming Fatty McFatFat: 2 Tonnes of Funny. Should be hilarious fun for the whole family.

Another hilarious idea I came up with: There should be a show in Vegas called "Just Siegfried!" For the first half-hour, Siegfried would do card tricks or something. Then he'd start crying a whole lot. Hey, it's better than Celine.

Earth's Most Reprehensible Movies

A lot of movies are bad. This we know. But there are only a few that I out-and-out despise. Here...are their stories.

1. Bridget Jones's Diary
In this film, Ren?e Zellweger -- who reportedly gained 5,000 lbs for the role -- must choose between boring, charmless Colin Firth, and fun, charismatic Hugh Grant. Naturally she picks Colin Firth.

In my sarcastically favorite scene, Colin Firth, as Mark Darcy, ruins Bridget's dinner party by taking Hugh Grant out into the street and sucker-punching him twice. It didn't seem particularly called for. Afterwards, when Bridget asks Mark why he's acting like a maniac, he replies: "I see I've been laboring under a misapprehension!" Oh, no you didn't!

The fact that anyone finds Colin Firth attractive in the first place is a mystery to me. The fact that some fatty would latch onto him instead of Hugh Grant, even though he clearly has no redeeming qualities is infuriating. And the fact that the aforementioned scene is scored by The Weather Girls' It's Raining Men makes this film Truly Reprehensible.

2. Moulin Rouge!
I don't think I can count the horrors perpetrated by this movie on one hand. First and foremost, it has no single take longer than three seconds. If you think I'm exaggerating, play the Moulin Rouge! Cut Game: every time the camera cuts, yell "Cut!" I've tried, and it actually can't be done.

As if that wasn't enough, it's a musical. Not a musical with original numbers, mind you; its a musical that appropriates pop hits of the 70s and 80s, and changes their words to make them stupider.

Unfortunately I'm unable to watch this movie in its entirety. The last time I tried, I blacked out for a week, and then the murders started again. Pity, those young women were so innocent. Their blood is on Baz Luhrmann's hands.

3. Charlie's Angels
It should come as no surprise, based on this film's source material, that it is blatantly and horribly sexist. It did surprise me, however, that it managed to disguise itself as a "girl power" movie, and actually tricked a lot of women into applauding its ethics.

Let's toss aside, for a moment, the idiotic slow-motion explosions and Matrix-ripoff fight scenes. We can forget, for now, that the director insists you call him McG. What upsets me here is that three women, who apparently have enormous physical strength and superhuman intellects, can't get out of a situation without using their boobs. Girl power!

4. In & Out
You there! McG wants his coffee! Bring those script changes to McG, for he is your glorious master!

Oh, excuse me. I have a rich fantasy life. Anyway, you might or might not remember this film in which the usually-pretty-good Kevin Kline plays a high school English teacher whose former student wins an Oscar for portraying a gay soldier; said student names Kline in his acceptance speech as a gay role model. Since Kline's character is in fact engaged to Joan Cusack and is in fact not gay, this causes an uproar.

So why is this film reprehensible? Okay, I admit 1997 was a few years before we coined the term "metrosexual." But even then, I knew there was something wrong with this movie. You see, everyone assumes Kline's character is gay because he's slightly effeminate; for example, he dresses well and enjoys music that isn't classic rock. Throughout the movie, you should be thinking "these people must be completely retarded." Oh, until the end that is, when it turns out he is gay. Because you're either macho, or you like dicks.

Marlon Brando: Worm Smorgasbord

Two days before Brando died, the New York Post ran this article about how he was broke and hiding his Oscars from bill collectors. I like to think that if I received $3.7 million for two weeks work, I could stretch it out at least until two days before I'm dead.

That's right, I'm picking on a dead guy.

Cannonball Run is Awesome: A Rebuttal

Those of you who know my brother are aware that he is retarded. However, it has come to my attention that total strangers read this site and might assume, from my retarded brother's uncanny grasp of the English language, that he has insights. To those people I present the following rebuttal.

Cannonball Run has been a proud member of my extensive-yet-exclusive DVD collection for quite some time now, and I have viewed the film enough times to make me an expert.

Now, first of all I think it's important to point out that Cannonball Run is based on true, awesome events. There actually was such a thing as the Cannonball Sea-To-Shining-Sea Memorial Trophy Dash, organized by CB screenwriter Brock Yates. Bet you didn't know that, huh, Mr. Smart-Ass? Hmm? Didn't think so. In fact, Yates himself was on the team that dressed up a car like an ambulance, complete with a fake doctor and his wife acting as the patient (though in real life their car broke down before they reached the finish). The point of the Dash, if there can be said to have been a point, was that speed limits are not necessary as long as people are good drivers...or something. The point may also have been "hilarity."

Let us shred my brother's argument on a point by point basis.

First of all, Dom DeLuise's turn as Captain Chaos is the funniest part of this, or in fact any movie. Gentle reader, words can not convey the sheer hilariosity when DeLuise makes the inexplicably fast transformation into his costumed alter ego, whom Burt Reynolds apparently loathes. The look on Burt?s face when Captain Chaos shows up?look, I?ve seen this movie about forty times, and I still laugh so hard that milk comes out of my nose, and I haven?t had milk in years. Think about that.

Roger Moore? Okay, we all know I have a weakness for anything remotely related to James Bond. My previously mentioned DVD-collection would carry a lot more clout if it didn?t include such classics as Casino Royale and Moonraker. But I believe I can say, with total objective certainty, that Roger Moore is fantastic in this film. In one of my favorite scenes, when Moore?s concerned mother finds his gun, he regretfully must kill her. Well, it?s funnier when Roger Moore says it. Moving right along?

Yes, Farrah Fawcett is awful. In fact I?d say she?s the worst thing about this movie. But if the worst thing about a movie is a woman with a nice pair of floppy titties, then it must be the Fucking Awesomest Movie of All Time.

Dean Martin and Sammy Davis Jr.?s drunken shenanigans are actually quite funny when you view them the way myself and Celebrity Movie-Watching Pal Matt B. did. (Hi Matt!) James, we suggest you watch the movie again, and this time keep this thought in mind: ?Hey, is this actually in the script, or did Dean Martin really just show up hammered every day?? Comedy.

Terry Bradshaw? Yeah, okay. Well, somehow he was more convincing in this role than he was playing himself in Smokey and the Bandit II. You gotta give him that.

I?m going to skip some of your other good points and skip straight to what must be the Stupidest Thing My Brother Has Ever Typed, and that is that the end of this movie is in some way not spectacular. Yes, James?s description of the ending was accurate, but he likes all sorts of movies that don?t have resolutions. Remember how much you loved Blow Up? Yes, I did go there. I just compared Cannonball Run to an Antonioni film. Deal with it!

This movie is madcap and wacky, and its ending suits it! But the outtake version of the ending, which plays at the end of the credits, has to be the funniest thing ever committed to celluloid. It?s similar to the actual ending, but it goes like this:

Again, this is something you must see for yourself, probably while finishing a bottle of something.

In conclusion, my brother is completely wrong and stupid. But don?t take my word for it; rush out and rent or buy several copies of Cannonball Run immediately. Because that way, even if you don?t like the movie, I win.

My Brother and Aspect Ratios

This article, about how widescreen DVDs are now preferred over full screen by Blockbuster, reminds me of the halcyon days when my brother used to work there. Remember that, James? Those days sure were halcyon, huh?

Anyway, if I recall James's story correctly, it goes something...like this.

Well, I'm just relating the story as it was told to me about ten years ago. My version might not be completely accurate, but it's probably way more interesting than the way James tells it anyway.

My Review of 'Troy'

Troy **

Tonight I saw Troy, yon blockbuster adaptation of the Iliad. I give it two (2) stars out of 20.

Ah, perhaps you're wondering exactly what scientific method I use to rate movies? The only one that makes any sense: I award one star for each actor that was formerly a Bond villain. 'Troy' gets 1 star each for Julian Glover (aka Kristatos) and Sean Bean who you remember as Alec Trevelyan.

It should be noted that, with a score of three (3) stars, Ronin is the best film of all time. Personally, I'm not a fan. But I'm not going to argue with the system.

Fahrenheit: Retarded

Moore: What should I name my next movie? Ah, eureka! I'll name it as a reference to Fran?ois Truffaut's worst movie, which itself was based on Ray Bradbury's most overrated book. Brilliant!

Eisner: Great idea, Michael! Hey, here's a brainstorm -- your last movie was cheap to produce and made a huge profit. So I'll refuse to distribute this one on political grounds! It'll cost me a fortune! Oh, joy!!!

Moore: Good one, Michael! Hey, time out, another thought is coming to me! Yes, here it comes, here it comes -- I got it! I'm going to wait until the last second, so I can blow this whole thing out of proportion! OH MY GOD I'M SO SMART ARRRRGH -- * (heart attack)

Moore devotees: Oh no! Probably nobody's going to pick up distribution on a definite box office hit! We'll never get to see the movie! Oh, woe is us! REVOLUTION!!!

Bush: There goes the neighborhood! (smiles at camera and shrugs; still frame, roll credits)

Hey, Shorty! It's my birthday.

My birthday isn't until July 28th, but you should really start figuring out what you're going to get me now. At this rate, anything you buy me will pale in comparison to what DVD manufacturers are cooking up. They've decided to release everything awesome on July 27th. Isn't that sweet?

First off, the old softies decided to release the Dawn of the Dead remake, knowing full well that I am a lover of the zombie movie in all its forms.

Secondly, these beautiful bastards -- who are well aware that my favorite director is Paul Verhoeven -- decided to give a gift to both me and my birthday-sharer, Liz (me and Liz go way back). That present is the Showgirls VIP Edition. You don't know how long me and Liz have been waiting for a Showgirls release with some actual special features. It's taken great restraint on our part to not by the sucky-ass barebones edition.

And finally, as if gold and frankincense were not enough, I have been honored with the myrrh that is Sledge Hammer!, a show that James and I loved in our youth. They even removed the laugh track for the DVD release! Oh, true joy, thy name is DVD.

I'm just saying, you have a lot to live up to.

10 Things I Hate About Movies

Long time Andrew-followers have already heard me complain about the proliferation of movies in which nerdy people robot-dance and movies featuring Smashmouth songs. Well, look alive, because it's time for...

The Third Thing All Filmmakers Should Avoid

Pay attention, filmmakers. If you ever find yourself making a sexy teen comedy -- and there's no shame in it, I assure you -- do not include the scene in which we learn the names of all the cliques. Just excise it from the screenplay.

Oh, you know the scene I'm talking about. Here, I'll be more specific: veteran student walks new student through outdoor common area of high school, pointing out similarly-dressed groups and explaining each group's clever name.

and you know, then there's one or two groups tacked on the end for comedic value, like...

Are you listenening, Hollywood? It's not funny anymore. We didn't like it in 10 Reasons Julia Stiles Must Die and we won't like it in Like Heathers But Less Dark.

NOTE: I have a rotten memory for these things, and it's not the kind of thing you can google -- so if anyone has in mind a movie that has this scene, please post a comment about it. Also don't forget I'm always looking to add to my Smashmouth and Robot Dance lists and I welcome your contributions.

Rhymes with "Shut The Fuck Up"

So, I saw Gigli last night. Yeah, yeah, I know. Get off my back, okay? It was my roommate's Netflick. It was between that and The Towering Inferno, which turns out to be eight hours long.

Oh, I guess you expect me to write some kind of snarky review, huh? Well, prepare yourself for disappointment. The only thing less creative than Gigli is people who write snarky reviews of Gigli. And as a person who neither made nor criticized Gigli, I declare myself Better Than You. Live with it, LOSER.