Do you remember the 21st night in September?

"September" by Earth, Wind and Fire: great song, or the greatest song?

The music video with movie actors they didn't want Andrew to know about

So yeah, there are a lot of videos from movie soundtracks starring actors from the movie, preferably in character. I have to say that the most memorable one from my childhood is one that's almost totally fallen off the cultural radar.

The year: 1983. The place: Jacksonville, Florida. Little Jamie Furdell had moved there during a cross country trip in his mom's Volkswagen Rabbit with no air conditioning. In the middle of summer. And along the way, I discovered how to fiddle with the radio and find the pop music stations.

Once we set up shop in Jacksonville I really dove into the world of pop music. I was all about American Top 40 and MTV, and I was especially all about... and this is embarassing... Olivia Newton-John. We had her greatest hits two-cassette tape (awesome) collection, and I was a big fan of the whole shebang. And thus, I was especially excited about a movie that came out in December 1983, starring ONJ (I call her ONJ) and John Travolta: Two of a Kind.

I distinctly recall dragging Mom to the AMC Regency Mall 6 theaters (since replaced by a larger multiplex) to see this, in retrospect, dreadfully awful movie. It was clearly an attempt to recapture the magic from previous ONJ-Travolta vehicle Grease, but wound being just an absolute mess of a love story. The main characters are revoltingly unlikeable: she's a bank teller, he's... um... an inventor. That's believable. He is struggling financially and decides to rob her bank; she replaces the loot with teller slips before handing it over and keeps the cash for herself, thus prompting Travolta to pursue her for the cash. Hijinks ensue.

Meanwhile, unbeknownst to them but knownst to us, a group of angels have wagered with God (voiced by, and I'm not making this up, an uncredited Gene Hackman) that they can get this pair together romantically, in an effort to... keep God from... ending the world? It sounds even stupider when I type it out like that. Basically they were trying to go for something Capra-esque, but it winds up making the exploits of these two dolts seem overly self-centered.

As a kid, I remember liking the fact that that the crew of angels had the power to freeze and rewind events in real time with a simple voice command. After rewatching this as an adult, I realize that the entirety of the film is a difficult experience to sit through and I must therefore take this moment to apologize profusely to Mom. Sorry, Mom. If you're still curious, here's a hilarious clip in which Travolta puts on his hero face and ONJ plays the victim.

The film was, super-sadly, not a hit, despite an all-star cast including Scatman Crothers, who at this point was being typecast as a magical black guy with a cool voice. And it was also the death knell for Travolta's film career... well, the first death knell, until its resurrection in Pulp Fiction and subsequent deathier knell Battlefield Earth.

But the soundtrack was actually a partial saving grace, and before the film came out, I'm pretty sure I succumbed to the hype of ONJ dancing around in her top single from the album, "Twist of Fate", on MTV. I still actually quite like this song, and I rediscovered it listening to an episode of American Top 40 from my collection.

Basically, ONJ, backlit and with super-high '80s hair, is defending her crush on Travolta, in a dark neon-lit courtroom suspended over some kind of body of water, while clips from the movie, including their plainly uncomfortable love scene, are presented as evidence. Then, the coup de grace at the end: John Travolta is there! Except that, hilariously, his scenes appear to have been filmed not at the same time as ONJ's, possibly in an entirely different country. They pretend to look directly at each other longingly, and fade to black.

That's the stuff right there.

Misled

I had intended to force Andrew to watch this Kool and the Gang video the other day, after we heard "Misled" on the March 30, 1985 episode of American Top 40. But it's so awesomely ridiculous/ridiculously awesome that you need to see it too.

I love the classics

Kimberly went to see the Nutcracker ballet the other day, and I expressed how much I loved Tchaikovsky's lilting movement, "Smurfberry Crunch". She didn't believe that that's what it's called, but I have video proof, with the original lyrics:

Recapturing the lost art of beatboxing

In my new favorite song... "Electropop."

This one's for mom

Happy birthday to my mom. She is the best mom, and she will assuredly make a smooth transition into being the best grandma.

We've already sent her a physically tangible birthday present, but here's a high-tech online bonus present for her, which I will share with all our loyal furdell.com readers: an hour-long clip from KOL-AM radio in Seattle, from 1962, right around when the Century 21 World's Fair Expo goodness was going on (the same event that gave us the Space Needle; note: I almost just typed Space Noodle). I don't know if she listened to this station, but nonetheless it's a cool memento of old-school Seattle.

(Technical note to mom: these are big files, 30 MB each, so you'll probably want to download them at school, save them to disk and copy to a USB key. Then you can bring the USB key home and import the files into your iTunes library, and listen to them there or on your iPod.)

Track 1
Track 2

That opening jingle on the first track always makes me happy. We ARE the number one-derful people in Seattle.

Hit play, press rewind

My effort at putting together an iTunes mix of my 2006 musical fun list was hampered by the fact that my #1 choice, Blue Scholars, had been temporarily made unavailable at the time. But now they're back! So here's a mix of the songs I picked, plus a few extras:

And here's an article about Seattle's (hopefully) emerging hip-hops scene, plus a little about its history (which, yes, does include Sir Mix-a-Lot.

James' personal top 5 favorite musical acts from 2006: a special Seattle countdown!

I was excited to find out that remastered classic episodes of American Top 40 with Casey Kasem are being run each week on XM Satellite Radio (which I can pick up through DirecTV). Episodes from the '80s are run on XM's The '80s channel (aka '80s on 8), Thursdays at 10 p.m. and Sundays at noon; The '70s channel (7) runs '70s episodes Wednesdays at 10 p.m. and Saturdays at noon. All times Eastern.

One year after getting an iPod (shhh... don't tell Microsoft or they'll force a Zune on me), I still haven't "ripped" (scare quotes) all the American Top 40s I own. There's still a good full day of ripping left to get them all in the system. It's hard to find people to trade episodes with, so these AT40 "Flashbacks" are the next best thing.

Meanwhile, we're coming up on one year in Seatown, which surely has some of the best radio stations on the planet. KEXP gets a lot of love for hitting me with a ridiculous amount of great indie rock, and C89.5, while repetitive and run by high-school kids, easily fulfills my required "beats per minute" quotient. I went to the trouble of making an "iMix" on "iTunes" of certain Seattle songs I really "iLiked," but then they removed my #1 choice from the store, so I'm forced to tell you, in Furdell.com-standardized top-5 form, what "my favorite musical acts what I learned about in Seattle"... are.

These aren't acts that necessarily debuted in 2006... in fact, chances are I was late to the party. In all cases. But I'll still always think about my first crazy year in Seattle when I hear these songs. (That's the best thing about music... its power over memory, and its ability to draw you back in time to the first time you heard a certain song.)

In honor of Casey Kasem, I'll include the Wikipedia link for each musical act, which will tell you more than you knew you wanted to know about each one... just like Casey did back in the day.

5. M.I.A.

It's the 2000s, and while we don't have flying cars yet (so disappointing), we do finally have Music of the Future: lots of electronic squeals and a robotic-sounding drum machine, fronted by a female rapper of Sri Lankan descent. Sometimes, that's as annoying as it sounds, but it also works to produce some awesome beats every so often.

Favorite songs: "Galang" is the best example of what M.I.A. is about; Andrew and Julia are partial to "10 Dollar", which is definitely her most dance-friendly song (and has the most hilarious fan-made YouTube video of anything on this list).

4. Mylo

Mylo's album Destroy Rock & Roll accomplishes its stated task quite nicely. I guess this is what happens when you force your kids to listen to '70s Gold throughout their childhood; they turn into '00s-era mash-up artists who use "Bette Davis Eyes" by Kim Carnes, and "Waiting For A Star To Fall" by Boy Meets Girl as their palette.

Favorite songs: Said mash-up "In My Arms" is classic, but best of all is Doctor Pressure, a mix of Mylo's own "Drop the Pressure" with Miami Sound Machine's "Doctor Beat." Sheer lunacy.

3. The Knife

Holy crap, The Knife is weird. It's a Swedish brother-sister duo that puts out strange-sounding, heavily electronic songs. The sister does most of the singing in high-pitched English, with a heavy Swedish accent. But once you get past the weirdness, the melodies really take over your brain and don't let go. I guess they're kind of like Bjork, but good.

Favorite songs: Their newest album is Silent Shout, but so far I prefer Deep Cuts, which I've only been able to find via iTunes. "Heartbeats" is a great song that kicks off that album, and "You Take My Breath Away" is my favorite track of all.

2. Neko Case

Oh, Neko Case... your music is so very sad. It's Veronica Mars-breakup sad, that's how sad it is.

"In the end I was the mean girl, or somebody's in-between girl. Now it's the devil I love; and that's as funny as real love."

Seriously... super-sad.

Neko's stuff has sometimes been labeled as alt-country; her songs have amazing depth, with lush storyscapes. And they might make you want to take a bottle of valium. So be careful.

Favorite songs: "Maybe Sparrow" and "Hold On, Hold On." I need a hug...

1. Blue Scholars

"Blue Scholars in the place to be; we've got one DJ, and one MC. And that's it. (That's it.) That's it. (That's it.) C'mon, put your hands up if you're feelin' this shit."

My musical tastes tend to change every few years, and I think they could easily be skewed toward indie hip-hop, with Seattle's Blue Scholars as a touchstone. They're the antidote for mainstream rap; instead of focusing on wealth/booty/crime/look-how-awesome-I-am, Blue Scholars celebrates life, liberty and the proletariat; MC Geologic's raps are heavily political without being accusatory, and DJ Sabzi's samples are amazing.

And Seattle's not the most... um... urban-feeling city ever. In fact, it's pretty white, especially considering my last two cities were Atlanta and D.C. Seattle is downright Scandinavian in comparison. But when I'm walking around downtown with Geologic rapping on my headphones, I can't help but feel at least a little bit street.

Favorite songs: "The Ave" from their self-titled debut artfully name-checks all the streets off University Way in the U District, instantly recalling what it's like to be a college student; and "Southside Revival" from The Long March focuses on local racial boundaries and politics, with Geologic flawlessly rapping the intelligent and tounge-twisty lyrics ("I've heard a few heads say that hip-hop is dead; not it's not, it's just malnourished and underfed"). You'll have to check out their shit on MySpace to hear that one.

Until next time: Keep your feet on the ground, and keep reaching for the booze.

It's my world...

and you're just a squirrel.

Andale andale, mami. E I, E I, uh-oh.

What's poppin' tonight?

Witness the single most important Congressional bill of our time

Courtesy... of the honorable Ms. Cynthia McKinney.

Ladies and gentlemen... we are proud to present our featured act...

Pestilence, on stage at the Experience Music Project in Sea-town.

I'm dragged kicking and screaming into five years ago

Thanks to the generosity of Pinz, LiAps and Pup, I'm now an iPod owner. It's the new video kind, holds 30GB. I've been busy figuring out how to get my American Top 40s on there in a way that makes sense. I already got the Chronicles of Narnia rap, which is one of my favorite things ever.

When you open up the box, there's a sticker on the iPod that says, "Please don't steal music." Ooooooops. Fortunately, when I opened up the box, I did not find raw meat inside. Instead of an iPod. That wouldn't be nearly as impressive looking on the subway. Or monorail.

The world agrees: "Billy Joel sucks"

Shouting those three little words got me in big trouble at Jellyrolls, a piano bar in Atlanta. (The pianists launched into an all-Joel lineup to get back at me.) But then again, I'm still around and they're not.

This Slate article, written by a former Joel uber-fan who later wised up, makes me feel completely justified, especially in reviewing his awful "We Didn't Start The Fire," widely recognized as the third worst-song ever.

Alas, Joel is a leaden lyricist with nothing to say; the result is songs like the 1989 hit "We Didn't Start the Fire," a laundry list of historical events?"Sputnik, Chou En-Lai, Bridge on the River Kwai"?that Joel tried to pass off as a panorama of postwar American life, or a portrait of baby boomer ennui, or something.

Don't make me open a box

Unlike Andrew, who hates music, I actually like music. The tough part is figuring out what I like... I'm not one of those cool kids who's been able to plunk down tons of cash for an iPod or satellite radio, and even CDs seem a shade expensive. I need a good radio station or DJ to play cool things for me.

That's why Pandora is an excellent invention. You give it an artist or song you like, and it finds similar songs you'll probably also like... but it's based on the song's characteristics, not on what other people with similar tastes liked. Pretty cool, and it's free.

Sister Christian

Motorin'!

'80s band names that now seem wildly inappropriate

Katrina and the Waves.

What kind of world do we live in

Where Marc Cohn gets shot in the head, yet Michael Bolton and Bryan Adams are still allowed to wander around unharmed?

I'm just a squirrel, trying to get a nut

I was at Chipotle the other day getting a tasty burrito, when what do I hear on the piped-in music?

Oran Juice Jones' "The Rain"!

But wait! I realized... "Hey, that's not Oran Juice Jones!" It was a cover, and a very etherial one at that, done by an unidentified female vocalist. "I saw you... and her! Walking in the rain."

I was just so happy that someone covered it... but I don't think the singer did the cool talking part at the end. I don't suppose anyone has any idea who sings that version of the song?

Wing hits the big time... and you were prepared!

The most recent South Park episode featured the music of Wing, which I posted about, like, a long time ago.

Pay attention, people! We're on top of things up in here.

I've got a fever, and the only prescription...

...is more cowbell.

Maybe she should have stuck with the lip-synching

From the I-Still-Don't-Understand-Why-They're-Famous Dept.:

Apparently, Ashlee Simpson performed at the [product-placed shipping company] Orange Bowl last night, and, I'm told, sounded like a wounded prehistoric beast. I had already turned off the game and was playing Burnout 3, and sadly missed yet another halftime-show gem.

But, never fear: lipsync.us is here with the video clip. It really is something hearing 77,912 people boo simeultaneously.

It's not pop music's finest moment

Last night: Saturday Night Live.

Musical guest: Ashlee Simpson.

She pulls a: Milli Vanilli.

Simpson had performed her hit single "Pieces of Me" without incident earlier in the show. When she came back a second time, her band started playing and the first lines of her singing "Pieces of Me" could be heard again. She looked momentarily confused as the band plowed ahead with the song and the vocal was quickly silenced. Simpson made some exaggerated hopping dance moves, then walked off the stage 35 seconds into the performance. NBC quickly cut to a commercial.

Pretty embarrassing to be, you know, exposed as a fraud, and all. But then, she makes it worse at the end of the show by blaming her band!

"I feel so bad. My band started playing the wrong song. I didn't know what to do so I thought I'd do a hoe-down."

Blech! The band had tried to cover and make the best of it by playing along with the wrong song; Simpson merely sulked off the stage, presumably in shame. If she has any left.

It's got to hurt to be the lesser of the two Simpson sisters anyway. With any luck, this will be the final nail in the fame coffin for Ashlee Simpson.

Anyway, it is imperative that I counter-balance this lip sync awfulness with some pop music goodness. As you probably know, I collect old radio broadcasts of American Top 40 with Casey Kasem. I trade CD-R copies of these shows with other collectors, and up until recently we had a trading post message board on the Internet(s) that allowed us to set up trades. That board went away recently, so I have decided to step up and fill the gap.

Presenting... (are you listening, Google?)... the official furdell.com American Top 40 Trading Post message board thingy.

Keep your feet on the ground, etc. etc. etc.

An 8,000-word treatise on "Unskinny Bop" by Poison

OK, it won't be that long an entry. But I did receive some new American Top 40 countdowns in the mail yesterday, and popped in one from July 1990, and there, in all its glory, was "Unskinny Bop" by Poison at #35.

Is it too late to go back and update my worst songs ever list? Because this one should definitely be on there. The fact that this song could even get radio play is infuriating. Just to refresh your memory, here's the lyrics from the chorus:

Unskinny bop;
Just blows me away.
Unskinny bop bop.
All night and day.
Unskinny bop bop bop bop.
She just loves to play.
Unskinny bop; nothin' more to say.

Au contraire, Mr. Bret Michaels. I think there is something more to say, such as... what the fuck are you talking about?!?!

OK, granted, if you look at some of the other lyrics, the song is clearly a description of some sort of sexual escapade. But the details are fuzzy; what the hell is an "unskinny bop?"

At long last, the truth can now be revealed!

You know, I never knew what an "unskinny bop" was until you guys said it. Did you guys coin that phrase?

I don't know. We still don't know what "Unskinny Bop" means. When we were in the studio, I would write the music, and usually if Bret didn't write lyrics yet, I would try to think of something that would just fit phonetically. And I guess "Unskinny Bop" became something like that. It wasn't meant to be a song. They were just working lyrics. And then when we played it for the producer, who was Bruce Fairbairn, he goes, "That's marvelous. I don't know what an 'Unskinny Bop' is, but whatever it is, it's perfect."

They were dummy lyrics! Dummy lyrics!!!

It's a cookbook! A cookbook!!!

Clouds of teenage-era confusion have been lifted from my brain; I am now at peace with the world.

NEXT TIME: A 12,000-word dissertation on "We Like The Cars (The Cars That Go Boom)" by Tigra and Bunny.

Anatomy of a countdown: February 16, 1991

I had so much fun doing this last time, I figured I'd do another one.

I had my doubts about this countdown when it arrived in the mail, since it's hosted by the mediocre Shadoe Stevens, and is from that no-man's land of pop music known as the early '90s (just ask Andrew, who listened to an awful Casey's Top 40 from early 1990 with me on an Atlantic City road trip).

But this one's actually a perfect representation of my new pop music theorem, which I will soon be trademarking: the James Furdell 18-Year Nostalgia Theorem. In the 1982 countdown, we witnessed a bizarre fascination with the music of 1964; thus, if the Theorem holds, this countdown should be obsessed with the music of 1973-ish.

This countdown also should answer the question, "Why did Nirvana become so popular?" once and for all. Andrew's earlier tangent stating that rock and roll is dead isn't really accurate; rock just goes through different phases every few years, and whether you like the current phase is pretty much a matter of taste. For example, one of Andrew' favorite bands, ELO, was definitely a part of that "early-'60s throwback" cadre of bands from the early '80s. Nothing wrong with that, but certainly nothing original. Right now we're kind of on the tail-end of a "pop-punk" phase (think Blink-182 and Good Charlotte), with hopefully the next big thing coming soon.

But back to 1991. When you see in this countdown which rock bands were popular in the months before Kurt Cobain ushered in the grunge era at the very end of 1991, you will understand why a not-all-that-great grunge band was able to take the rock world by storm.

Let's start the countdown!

#40 Madonna - Justify My Love

I will, always and forever, think of the SNL "Wayne's World" sketch with Madonna when I hear this song. The song itself? Not so good. But it hit #1 anyway (here it's on its way down).

#39 Slaughter - Spend My Life

Building a case for We Need Nirvana: Exhibit A. This song is awful.

Fun Slaughter fact: the band's guitarist and manager were arrested in 1993 on charges of conspiring to ship cocaine from California to other parts of the U.S. Rock on!

#38 Londonbeat - I've Been Thinking About You

I kind of liked this one at the time, and it actually holds up pretty well. Reminds me of Fine Young Cannibals a bit.

#37 Bette Midler - From A Distance

Ugh. Here's a good poll question. Death is not an option: this, or "Wind Beneath My Wings?"

I said death was not an option.

#36 Father MC - I'll Do 4 U

What, you don't remember Father MC? No? Nothing?

This is a fairly pedestrian rap song that "samples" (which, as Shadoe explains to us, is borrowing music from another song) Cheryl Lynn's "Got To Be Real," which was a hit in... 1979. Almost works with my Theorem, but not quite.

#35 George Michael - Waiting For That Day

I'm the only person in America who liked the Listen Without Prejudice Vol. 1 album. Lot of downers on that album, such as "Praying For Time," but this one's a little more upbeat.

The album wasn't popular with the studio. I have a feeling there's not going to be a Vol. 2?

#34 Tony! Toni! Tone! - It Never Rains in Southern California

Not as big a hit as "Feels Good," but a better song. I think it's the only slow R&B song from this countdown that I like.

#33 Tevin Campbell - Round and Round

From the Graffiti Bridge soundtrack! I may have owned it, without ever having any intention of seeing the movie.

I made the right choice.

#32 Tara Kemp - Hold You Tight

Just wanna hold you tight. All day, all night. I remember this one, but I'm sure no-one else does.

#31 Tesla - Signs

This song was originally a hit in 1971. The Theorem strikes again!

#30 Alias - Waiting For Love

We Need Nirvana: Exhibit B.

#29 Will To Power - I'm Not In Love

Theorem's off by a couple years again. This was originally a hit in 1975 for 10cc. (I like the Olive version from 2000.)

#28 Urban Dance Squad - Deeper Shade of Soul

UDS was a rap/rock collective based in Amsterdam. Ahead of its time, perhaps?

#27 Another Bad Creation - Iesha

Oh man, this song CRACKS ME UP. ABC was a pre-teen quintet from Atlanta managed and produced by one of the Bel Biv Devoe guys (that would be Biv, to be precise). This is the #2 hit off the group's first album, which, of course, is the classic Coolin' at the Playground Ya' Know! I must reproduce at least part of the lyrics:

[spoken]
Yo, Red, where`d you meet her?

[sung by the group]
At the playyyyy-grounnnnnnd!
[solo]
That`s where I saw this cutie
This girl was swinging
And she looked so fly.

On the monkey barrrrrrrrrrs!
We climbed up to the top and
She touched my hand.
That`s when I fell in love.

The song goes on to describe how, on their first date, they "played Nintennnn-doooooooo!" and ate cereal. Hilarious. A national treasure.

#26 Gloria Estefan - Coming Out of the Dark

Yeah, she's back from her car/bus/whatever accident.

#25 Oleta Adams - Get Here

Cheesy Rhymes Theater:

You can reach me by caravan
Cross the desert like an Arab man
I don`t care how you get here
Just get here if you can

#24 Cathy Dennis - Just Another Dream

Wow, I don't even remember her, but she had three Top 10 hits. Including this one. Another artist lost in the pop music ether.

#23 AC/DC - Money Talks

What? Yes, none other than AC/DC is in a 1991 countdown. This just about fulfills the 18-Year Theorem, and also serves as We Need Nirvana Exhibit C.

#22 Traci Spencer - This House

This house! Is our house! Let's do it for the people!
You... me... ....we can make a difference!

Yes, these are actual lyrics from this song. It may sound like it came from an episode of Kids Incorporated, but it didn't.

#21 Bad Company - If You Needed Somebody

Bad Company making a comeback? Ugh. Once again: it's 1973 all over again, and once again, We Desperately Need Nirvana, Exhibit D.

#20 Damn Yankees - High Enough

Oh man. Do We Ever Need Nirvana. Exhibit E.

Actually, this is a pretty good song, and a staple on my Power Ballads mix CD. But man, does it ever exemplify the cheesy hair-bandedness of the period.

#19 After 7 - Heat of the Moment

After 7 had two Number 1 hits. And you forgot all about them.

How could you do that?

How could you do that to After 7?

#18 Sting - All This Time

Was Sting lame, already, by this point?

Well, at least he wasn't doing car commercials yet. Guh.

#17 Styx - Show Me the Way

STYX?! Styx is in the countdown? Once again, it's 1973. And once again, We Really, Really Need Nirvana. This would be Exhibit F.

Amusingly, this version of this song on my countdown CD is the "Desert Shield Re-Mix," put together by a Knoxville DJ, and featuring sound bites from various news stories and President Bush the Elder. Jingoism never dies, especially where Saddam is concerned.

#16 Nelson - After the Rain

Nirvana, Please Come-A-Calling. Exhibit G.

#15 L.L. Cool J - Around the Way Girl

As Shadoe points out, the "L.L." stands for "Ladies Love Cool James". Which I feel also applies to me. And hey, he's still hanging around the charts today, after first charting in 1987. Not too many rappers can say that. Good flow to the lyrics, too:

I want a girl with extensions in her hair
Bamboo earrings, at least two pair
A Fendi bag and a bad attitude
That's all I need to get me in a good mood.
She can walk with her switch and talk with street slang
I love when I woman ain't afraid to do her thang
Standin at the bus stop, suckin' on a lollipop
When she gets pumpin, it's hard to make the hotty stop.
She likes to dance to the rap jam.
She's sweet as brown sugar with candied yams
Honey-coated complexion.
Music camay.
Lets hear it for the girl.
Shes from around the way.

#14 Ralph Tresvant - Sensitivity

Some of these slow, awful R&B jams are a portent to the dynastic, much-rued a capella reign of Boyz II Men.

#13 Pebbles - Love Makes Things Happen

I hope that, back then, a lot of people asked her where Bam-Bam was.

#12 Warrant - I Saw Red

Warrant gets to be Nirvana Please Come Quickly Exhibit H, despite filling the back end of my power ballads mix CD with this song.

#11 Chris Isaak - Wicked Game

Mmmm. Yes, I'm thinking about the video for this song. But it's a good song in its own right, too, and not just for bringing images of near-naked Helena Christensen into our living rooms.

#10 Janet Jackson - Love Would Never Do Without You

All her songs from 1990-91 sound the same. Scientific fact.

#9 Vanilla Ice - Play That Funky Music

I've addressed this before, as this is clearly one of the worst songs of all time.

Amusingly, the countdown disc features Shadoe interviewing the lead guy from Wild Cherry who did the song originally in 1976 (Theorem's a few years off). He talks about how he found out about the song when they started playing it on the radio, and called a record store to find out if he was given credit as the original writer. He was not, and thus he promptly contacted his lawyer to seek legal action against Vanilla. Absolutely hilarious.

#8 INXS - Disappear

This is a great, great song. One of my favorite by INXS. Maybe we don't need Nirvana after all?

No, we still do.

#7 Keith Sweat - I'll Give All My Love To You

Another awful, indistinguishable early-'90s R&B ballad.

#6 Celine Dion - Where Does My Heart Beat Now

I believe that would be Caesar's Palace in Las Vegas.

#5 Mariah Carey - Someday

This was from Mariah's debut album, which I actually really liked, and listened to until the cassette fell apart. (That's right, I just admitted that to the entire Internet. I'm an idiot.)

I still think that was a great first album, but she didn't develop at all as a singer after that, and the lyrics she had to work with were unfailingly saccharine and elementary. Almost everything after that first album was crap, culminating in her awful "star" turn in Glitter, where she perfected the "Look at the ground" acting technique.

But that's a story for another time.

A sad, sad story.

#4 Surface - The First Time

You don't remember Surface? Me neither. But they actually hit Number 1 with this piece of crap ballad.

#3 Timmy T - One More Try

As the numbers get lower, the hits get... more obscure and forgettable.

#2 Whitney Houston - All The Man That I Need

Will she ever live down saying this on Primetime Live?

Crack is cheap. I make too much money to ever smoke crack. Let's get that straight. Okay? We don't do crack. We don't do that. Crack is whack.

Gods of hiliarity willing, no she will not.

#1 C&C Music Factory - Gonna Make You Sweat

Just as #40 reminds me of "Wayne's World," #1 will now always remind me of the Simpsons episode where Homer and Bart visit a gay steel factory, where they dance to this song.

And that's the countdown. As you can see, rock music was incredibly stagnant at the time. We needed Nirvana like Mars needs women.

I remember the first time I heard Nirvana. I was in the high school band, and while we were goofing off before winter break, a drummer played the Nevermind CD in the band room stereo. It sounded alive and fresh... like a jolt of musical caffeine. In retrospect, it might sound a little played and lackluster. But, looking at this 1991 countdown, I think it's pretty obvious why Kurt and his gang burned up the airwaves and my CD player in '92. Nirvana was definitely in the right place at the right time, but I'm thankful they did come along to signal the death knell of bands like Nelson and Warrant. (And, for that matter, Slaughter and Alias.)

Until next time, keep your feet on the floor, and keep reaching for the crack.

Time to flush the sound cache

As promised in a comment thread, here's the infamous clip of Casey Kasem angry at having to do a death dedication for a dog named Snuggles after coming out of an up-tempo number. As well as some other off-the-reel bloopers from Casey.

And, while I'm at it, here's some more stuff. In honor of going to Vegas, Andrew's favorite Chris DeBerg song... "The Lady in Red." Just kidding, it's "Don't Pay the Ferryman." Andrew had a dream or something about this song while we were in Vegas, and took it to be a prescient message about not tipping the dealer unless you win, or something. "You must pay me now... (don't do it!)"

It's almost football season. Here's the San Diego Chargers theme song, just because it's funky and I like it. And here's the circa mid-'90s theme music for ESPN's NFL Prime Time, which was much superior before they got co-opted by the ABC/Disney machine. And, because it's always funny to laugh at a staggeringly drunk Joe Namath, here he is making a pass at Suzy Kolber during an on-air interview.

Anatomy of a countdown: Feb. 10, 1982

Way way back in the 1980s, little Jamie would often spend Sunday mornings listening to Casey Kasem's American Top 40. The four-hour program was already by then a radio institution, serving as a compendium of what was popular that week in pop music. There were big debuts, top 10 smashes, little-known up-and-comers, long distance dedications, and, of course plenty of crappy follow-up hits by artists who couldn't quite recapture the original magic.

The show itself had an interesting history. It started on July 4, 1970 and experienced a growth in popularity as the years went by. In 1988, Casey was involuntarily and inexplicably replaced by Shadoe Stevens, a perpetual Hollywood Square who seemed just a little too smooth to fill Casey's shoes (besides, his name was Shadoe... give me a break). Casey started his own countdown, Casey's Top 40, and successfully competed with Shadoe for years. Oddly enough, both countdowns ran on my hometown pop station, WAPE in Jacksonville, on Sundays; Casey in the morning, Shadoe at night.

By 1995, pop music had seemed to splinter off into alterative rock and R&B, and both countdowns were shut down. But in 1998, American Top 40 was revived with Casey at the helm. The revamped countdown successfully adapted to new tastes in pop; few things cheer me up more than hearing 70-year-old Casey seamlessly introducing "In Da Club" by 50 Cent. I hope I'm that cool at that age. (Hell, I wish I was that cool now.)

Sadly, Casey was recently once again sent packing, this time in favor of (please don't make me say it... ugghh) Ryan Seacrest.

Fortunately for me, over the years people have saved the original records and compact discs of Casey's countdowns. I've been collecting CD copies, which are great fun to listen to (and educational, too). Each countdown is like a time capsule that transports you back in time to that week, and some of the facts supplied by Casey about the artists are interesting; often it's stuff I didn't know before.

(Sadly for me, the Internet message board that was serving as a trading post of sorts for American Top 40 collectors has gone defunct, so if any AT40ers happen to Google this, leave me a message so we can trade!)

I just got a new batch of countdowns to add to my collection list. We listened to one on the way to our anniversary dinner, an episode from April 10, 1982. That was actually before I got into pop music, when I moved to Jacksonville in late summer 1983, but I figured it would be fun to fill in some of the 1980s blanks in my collection.

And wow, what a weird time April '82 was for music. Every so often I'll come across a countdown that seems to have occured during a musical dead zone, when especially creative or memorable songs were hard to come by. This was one of those; we had just gotten over disco a couple years ago, hadn't yet gotten to the following year's British Invasion of the pop charts, and were still lamely trying to recreate the music of 15-20 years before as part of a nostalgia kick. Here are some of the high/lowlights:

40: THE OTHER WOMAN - RAY PARKER, JR

You got real lucky with "Ghostbusters," my man. Really, really lucky.

36: THEME FROM "MAGNUM P.I." - MIKE POST
35: POP GOES THE MOVIES (PART 1) - MECO
34: THE BEATLES MOVIE MEDLEY - THE BEATLES

This countdown was fully of cheesy items like these. A TV theme, followed by two medleys. The Meco medley features themes from several films, including Gone With the Wind and The Magnificent Seven, bizarrely set to a disco beat. They loved their medleys back in the early '80s, apparently.

33: MAMA USED TO SAY - JUNIOR

This is actually a really good, somewhat forgotten soul chart hit. Highly recommend if they happen to have it on iTunes. Plus he does that funny raspy thing in his throat when he says "Mama". Ask Kimberly to replicate it for you.

32: BOBBI SUE - THE OAK RIDGE BOYS

One of those "could have come from the early '60s" songs. See also ELO's "Rock and Roll is King" in 1983.

30: ALWAYS ON MY MIND - WILLIE NELSON

Whoa, I wasn't going to mention this one, but I'm watching TV and it's playing in a Levi's commercial. That thing about 20-years-later nostalgia holds true today.

28: I'VE NEVER BEEN TO ME - CHARLENE

This one really sounds like a throwback to those treacly ballads from the '70s. The title kind of gives that away. Yet another singer trying to emulate the success of Karen Carpenter or, I don't know, Bread.

25: GET DOWN ON IT - KOOL & THE GANG

How you gonna do it if you really don't wanna dance?

By standing on the wall?

Get your back up off the wall.

24: DID IT IN A MINUTE - DARYL HALL & JOHN OATES

Do you know how many Top 40 hits these two had? Neither do I, because our number system doesn't reach that high. Seriously, every countdown I have seems to have one of their songs, and it's usually a boring vanilla-bland concoction like this one. But for every five of these, they would put out a huge mega-hit like "Maneater" or "Private Eyes" or "Out of Touch," and so all would be forgiven, I guess, for the likes of crappy follow-ups "Possession Obsession" and "Everything Your Heart Desires," both now completely forgotten. As is "Did It In a Minute." Rightfully so.

Crappy follow-ups rule.

I'm Oates.

23: MY GUY - SISTER SLEDGE

Know what's awesome?

Apparently, 1964 is awesome.

19: TAKE OFF - BOB AND DOUG McKENZIE

This one blew my mind. It's a song based on the SCTV comedy skit called "Great White North"... and we're so hard up for music in April 1982 that this is at #19. Bob and Doug (Rick Moranis and non-Wendy's Dave Thomas) do their stereotypical backwater Canadian bit over an over-produced version of their theme song, which includes backing vocals by Geddy Lee of Rush. Whom I initially thought was a female vocalist.

Honest mistake.

14: PRETTY WOMAN - VAN HALEN

Know what's still awsome? Still, you know... 1964.

11: PAC-MAN FEVER - BUCKNER & GARCIA

Yet another novelty song, and this one had just fallen out of the top 10.

And, as far as Buckner & Garcia songs go, it's not quite as good as "Do the Donkey Kong."

Oh, you think I'm kidding?

Naw, man.

Rounding out the countdown:

10: DO YOU BELIEVE IN LOVE - HUEY LEWIS & THE NEWS
9: KEY LARGO - BERNIE HIGGINS
8: THAT GIRL - STEVIE WONDER
7: OPEN ARMS - JOURNEY
6: DON'T TALK TO STRANGERS - RICK SPRINGFIELD

Rick Springfield, still a couple years shy of producing the consensus worst song ever.

5: MAKE A MOVE ON ME - OLIVIA NEWTON-JOHN
4: FREEZE FRAME - J. GEILS BAND
3: THEME FROM "CHARIOTS OF FIRE" - VANGELIS
2: WE GOT THE BEAT - THE GO-GO'S
1: I LOVE ROCK AND ROLL - JOAN JETT & THE BLACKHEARTS

Not a very hard-core Top 5. Good ol' ONJ at #5, plus some grrrl power (pronounced "grrr-earl") at #1 and #2, but they're not very good songs (at least, according to the Juice Newton Scale of '80s female-led pop songs). And I can't listen to "Chariots of Fire" without laughing these days, it's been parodied so much.

Until next time, this is James, signing off and sailing away to Key Largo.

"My name is Apollo... child of the sun"

It's interesting that Andrew should give Apollo Smile a starring role in his six-panel Rocky III, because my first exposure to the self-made "live-action anim? girl" haunts me to this day.

For whatever reason, little Jamie Furdell was bored enough during the summer of 1990 that I listened to the cassette for the Days of Thunder soundtrack over and over. And over again. (That and Mariah Carey's debut album seemingly never left my walkman. Go figure. I have no regrets, only embarrassment.)

One of the throwaway B-side tracks was Apollo Smile's song "Thunderbox." It was certainly the most unique track on a soundtrack that featured past-their-prime artists like David Coverdale, Cher, Chicago, and maybe Tina Turner or something.

Unlike those vanilla-bland artists, Apollo offered a fresh sound that was hard to describe. The track was very heavily produced, I assumed sampling liberally from various songs and movies I had never heard. Apollo herself approached the vocals with what seemed to be a Courtney Love-esque ennui, but before Love and the rest of the grunge kiddie vocalists popularized the "I'm too strung out right now to really sing properly" sound. Apollo switches between talking (in an attempt at seductive girlishness, I guess) and singing, with the singing being not quite on-key, and she doesn't quite come in at the proper time.

So little Jamie thought this was an interesting, fresh sound. I had no idea who or what "Apollo Smile" was; maybe it was a band, maybe it was just the breathy vocalist. But that was the track I kept rewinding and playing over again; the ironically lazy and off-key performance seemed to fit in with my outside-the-mainstream, anti-establishment mentality, and whatever songs they had sampled gave it a funky, soulful kind of kick.

It was only much, much later that I realized how wrong I was about Ms. Smile.

Andrew and I attended the Atlanta science fiction/comic book/other terminally nerdy convention called DragonCon in 2000. Giving a concert there was none other than Apollo Smile, the same vocalist who had warbled her way into my heart 10 years before. Only now, she had seemingly re-branded herself as a "live-action anim? girl." Her specialty had become singing at these conventions, especially songs from a video game she had voiced ("Space Channel 5") and soundtrack items from anim? movies and things. And, it was sitting in this concert that Apollo broke my heart. For it became apparent to me then that she really, really couldn't sing.

Not a lick.

Every awful song was worse than the last. More off-key, more off-time, more messed up.

All that ironic off-key crooning from "Thunderbox?" Was not ironic in the least. The section where she sings "there's nowherrrrre left to runnnnn-nnnnn" and comes in a shade too early? Is due to her lack of talent, and was not a conscious choice. My heart sank, for Apollo Smile, the sultry, detached siren who haunted my teenage years, had no musical talent. Perhaps I should have known better; my ear for pop music maybe wasn't as developed then as it was now. And the whole anim? role was just counter to the image of Apollo that I had built up in my mind, of a pre-grunge, slightly punky, maybe drugged-out chanteuse.

So there you go. Hearing Apollo Smile was, like, the end of the innoncent for yours truly. Listen for yourself, and maybe you too will become infatuated with an anim? girl who really couldn't sing.

Talking in songs: Awesome or lame?

Kimberly and I never, ever fight. But if we were to fight, I think it would be over whether a singer talking during a song is a good idea.

Every time some R&B singer decides to launch into some long soliloquy, Kimberly just rolls her eyes and turns the dial. It's like it's a personal insult; she may never listen to a Justin Timberlake song every again. And that is a national tragedy.

(OK, so she's right about that particular song, "Seniorita." It really does sound stupid when he starts doing his "lounge act" thing. "I feel like something's heating up; can I leave with you?" What is with that?)

Despite JT, I still think that a well-placed verbal essay can really drive home the theme of the song, while also simultaneously being a lot of fun. My favorite current example is Jojo's "Get Out (Leave)," where she yells some funny exclamations between lines in the chorus:

Get out. (Leave!!!)
Right now.
It's the end of you and me.
It's too late. (Now!!!)
I can't wait. [etc...]

But originally, I was thinking about this topic after revisiting my post about Eamon's "F--k It," a.k.a. Dick Cheney's theme song. I titled that post "Like cornflakes without the milk," in reference to my other favorite, angry R&B song... "The Rain" by Oran (Juice) Jones.

This particular 1980's classic is a great example of a singer sounding sweet with the singing, while saying something not-so-sweet with the lyrics. Oran's lament at catching his girl cheating on him makes for a memorable hook:

I saw you... (and him...)
Walking in the rain.
You were holding hands, and I'll...
Never be the same.

But the sadness turns to vitriol at the end of the song, when Oran starts talking. But this time it's not so much a soliloquy as a one-act play; in a two-minute sequence, Jones chews out his girl and kicks her out of his apartment. It's clearly the most memorable example of a musical breakup speech ever, as long as you rank it only against the other memories currently residing in my brain.

For those who don't recall or are uninitiated to the stylings of the Juice, here's that speech, transcribed painstakingly by myself, in its entirety.

(I saw you...)
Hey, hey baby, how ya doin'? Come on in here.
(Walking in the rain...)
Got some hot chocolate on the stove waiting for you.
Listen, first things first. Let me hang up that coat.
(You were holding hands and I'll...)
Yeah. How was your day today?
Did you miss me?
(Never be the same...) [repeats in background]
Oh, you did? Yeah? I missed you too.
I missed you so much I followed you today.
That's right. Now close your mouth, 'cause you cold busted!
That's right, now sit down here; sit down here.
I'm so upset with you I don't know what to do.
You know my first impulse was to run up on you and do a Rambo.
I was about to jam you and flat blast both of you.
But I didn't wanna mess up this thirty-seven-hundred-dollar lynx coat.
So instead, I chilled -- that's right, chilled.
I went to the bank and took out every dime.
Then I went and cancelled all those credit cards... yeah!
All your charge accounts. Yeah!
I stuck you up for every piece of jewelery I ever bought you!
Yeah, that's right! Everything!
Everything.
No, don't go lookin' in that closet, 'cause you ain't got nothin' in there.
Everything you came here with is packed up and waiting for you in the guest room. That's right.
What was you thinking about? Huh? What are you trying to prove?
You was with the Juice!
I gave you silk suits, blue diamonds, Gucci handbags...
I gave you things you couldn't even pronounce!
But now I can't give you nothing but advice.
Cause you still young. That's right, you still young.
I hope you learn a valuable lesson from all this, you know.
You're gonna find somebody like me one of these days.
Until then, you know what you gotta do?
You gotta get on outta here with that alley-cat-coat-wearing,
Hush Puppy-shoe-wearing crump cake I saw you with! Cause you dismissed!
That's right. Silly rabbit, tricks are made for kids, don't you know that?!?
You without me is like corn flakes without the milk!!!
It's my world; you're just a squirrel trying to get a nut!!!
Now get on outta here. Scat!!!

Utterly, utterly brilliant. The talking starts off calm; then the anger builds and builds until it explodes into all-out vitriol, as well as a few breakfast cereal-related metaphors. An absolute master stroke, I would say. Kimberly would say it was total rubbish, if she were British. As it is, she still thinks it's stupid to talk during a song.

Readers of furdell.com: it's time to settle this debate once and for all. The debate rests in your hands. Talking in songs: is it awesome or lame?

I have little to add

Marvel at the music of Wing.

The best available selection is clearly Dream Lover.

Like cornflakes without the milk

As I am now there, here are this week?s top 10 singles in the U.K.:

1) F**K It (I Don?t Want You Back) by EAMON
2) Air Hostess by BUSTED
3) My Band by D12
4) Fit But You Know It by THE STREETS
5) Left Outside Alone by ANASTACIA
6) In The Shadows by THE RASMUS
7) This Love by MAROON 5
8) Yeah! by USHER Featuring LUDACRIS & LIL JON
9) Solitary Man by HIM
10) Sunny by BOOGIE PIMPS

Ah, yes... "F**k It" by Eamon, an excellent choice for #1.

Fuck what I said; it don't mean shit now; Fuck the presents; might as well throw 'em out. Fuck all those kisses, it didn't mean jack; Fuck you, you ho; I don't want you back.

Ingenious. Not exactly playable on the radio--you have to fill in a lot of blanks--but still one of the better bitter breakup songs in the annals of R&B. Be sure to read about the strange saga of the "response song" by Frankee called "Fuck You Right Back," which actually turned out to be all a publicity stunt orchestrated by the record label.

In closing, intercontinental blogging ROCKS.

Billy Joel is so lame

Poor Billy. "Uptown Girl" came on the radio, he started sobbing because Christie broke up with him -- he's still upset about it 10 years later. Then he got all teary-eyed and couldn't see the road. At least, in my personal crusade against him, that's the story we're going with, because suddenly:

Well! I guess you could say that...

[searching brain for appropriate mean-spirited Billy Joel song-title reference...]

[still searching...]

he's... "Moving Out..." of... up to the hospital? No, that's terrible. No... um...

[looks through discography...]

YIKES! Um, I'm now too scared to continue. Goodbye.

The Really Worst Songs Ever

Because VH-1 needs more five-hour-long list-based specials now that "Top 500 Most Embarrassing Moments in Polka" and "I Love 4.3 Seconds Ago" have run their respective courses, the cable network has teamed up with Blender: The Magazine for Gen-X Kitchen Appliances to come up with, purportedly, the "Worst 50 Songs Ever".

Naturally, they didn't try all that hard. "We Built This City" by Starship is #1, which, admittedly, is a horrible song... but is it the worst ever? "Everybody Wang Chung Tonight" is #3 on their list, which is really a shame; that's one of those songs that was probably written in five minutes that actually holds up well over time. "Ice Ice Baby" by Vanilla Ice at #5 is bad, but he himself had a much worse song than that.

Well, I'm no Mo Rocca, thank God, but my extensive collection of American Top 40s with Casey Kasem certainly makes me something of an authority on terrible songs that were at least somewhat popular at one time, but really shouldn't have been. Thus, I feel the need to present to the world... James' list of the Five Really Worst Songs Ever.

Let's start the countdown.

Num-ber FIIIIIIIVE!

(That's sung, by the way.)

Coming in at #5 is a song by one of the Jacksons. No, Not Michael... not Janet.... not Jermaine... not LaToya... I'm of course talking about Rebbie Jackson and her song Centipede from 1984.

I actually kind of like the music, but recent events involving Michael, who also wrote and produced the song to give it that now-creepy Michael sound, make listening to it... well, creepy.

Your love
Is like a ragin' fire
You're a snake that's on the loose
The strike is your desire

But when the centipede is hot
You?re bound to feel the fire, huh
And when the centipede is hot
You?re bound to feel the fire

Michael writing and producing, working with one of the lesser Jacksons, combined with the apparent centipede-as-penis metaphor, and knowing what we know now about Michael's sexual proclivities... all add up to make this a fatal car crash of a song.

Num-ber FOURRRRR!

Granted, Milli Vanilli's act was all a sham. But even towards the end of the sham, the singers doing the real singing were phoning it in with songs like "All or Nothing". Sadly, after going out on their own, Rob and Fab decided to cut their own album in 1992. This resulted in one of the worst songs ever to grace a CD: "Let's Do It".

The duo proved they couldn't sing or speak English too well, and also proved that no amount of over-production and roboty voices can hide tone deafness. Must be heard to be believed.

Num-ber THREEEEE!

If I had my way, this entire list would be filled with Billy Joel songs. Public service announcement: if you're ever at a dueling piano bar, don't yell out that Billy Joel sucks. I'm probably still not welcome back at Jellyrolls in Atlanta.

Anyway, the worst of the former Mr. Christie Brinkley's songs is far and away "We Didn't Start the Fire". While the idea of a 20th century history lesson in song is kind of interesting, they really should have spent more than 20 seconds coming up with music to back the lyrics. Here's how to play the song:

E, E, E-E-E, D D D D D-D-D, D, D, D-D-D, D-D-D, C.
E, E, E-E-E, D, D, D-D-D, D, D, D-D-D, D-D-D, C.

The whole thing basically consists of those three notes, and Billy Joel shouting out some cultural event in that key. Absolutely infuriating. And in the end, the song doesn't really even have anything to say; it's just a random collection of pop-culture references strung together without any meaning behind it. (Umm, not that that's a bad thing...)

NUM-BER TWOOOOO-ooo!

I happen to own the cinema classic Cool as Ice, on laserdisc, so I think I know something about which pre-makeover Vanilla Ice songs are bad. And while "Go Ninja Go" and "I Want To Thank You For Letting Me Be Myself (Uh!)" are indeed bad, clearly the worst is his cover-slash-remake of "Play That Funky Music, White Boy," which hit #4 in 1991.

The Wild Cherry version is almost bad enough to make this list on its own merits. But when you add Vanilla's pedestrian-even-for-1991 raps, and his horrible, horrible attempt at trying to sing the "Lay down the boogie" line, which is about three keys off... this was clearly the death-knell for the VIP crew.

So what's number one?

DRUM ROLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL....

Why, it's Rick Springfield with "Bop 'Til You Drop" from 1984.

"What," you say? "I've never even heard of that." That's because it's awful. This may be the most over-produced song in history. The version I'm talking about is the radio edit, which took a fairly low-key song and added sound effects, a constantly repeating guitar note in an unchanging key, and, everybody's favorite: computery voices.

But that's not all. This song came from a cinematic gem called Hard to Hold, and that titular line is wedged into the song at a random place. (See, lady who sung the theme to Octopussy? It's not that hard.) Furthermore, the movie is a one-star vehicle for the singer, which you can read about at the best web site on the Internet, Rick Springfield Fans. (Don't forget to click on the page consisting only of photos of Rick Springfield in a towel, from the movie. Surely this is what DARPA had in mind when they created the Internet.)

But Springfield was already on the way down in the world of pop music, which adds the "crappy career-ender" stigma to this song. All in all, it all adds up to make the "Bop 'Til You Drop" radio edit the Really Worst Song Ever.

Until next time, this has been James. Keep your feet on the ground... and keep reaching for the stars.