Recently in Religion Category

Hilarious observations from America's favorite everyman (emphasis mine, obviously):

In the last month, same-sex marriage has become legal in Iowa and Vermont. What do you think about same-sex marriage at a state level?

At a state level, it's up to them. I don't want it to be a federal thing. I personally still think it's wrong. People don't understand the dictionary—it's called queer. Queer means strange and unusual. It's not like a slur, like you would call a white person a honky or something like that. You know, God is pretty explicit in what we're supposed to do—what man and woman are for. Now, at the same time, we're supposed to love everybody and accept people, and preach against the sins. I've had some friends that are actually homosexual. And, I mean, they know where I stand, and they know that I wouldn't have them anywhere near my children. But at the same time, they're people, and they're going to do their thing.

Dateline Jacksonville, Florida:

Parents are suing the St. Johns County School Board saying a teacher made their children learn a religious-themed song for an end-of-the-year program.

The lawsuit, filed last week in federal court, says “In God We Still Trust,” interferes with the parents’ right to raise children according to their own beliefs.

Sample lyrics:

Now there are those among us, who want to push Him out,
And erase His name from everything, this country's all about,
From the Schoolhouse to the Courthouse, they're Silencing His Word,
Now it's time for all Believers, to make our Voices heard.

Wow. I was pissed off when they made us sing "Proud to Be an American". This song would have sent me over the edge into total psychosis.

Remember Ted Haggard, the evangelical leader with the gay sex scandal? No, he's not the guy whose dead body was found hog-tied, wearing two complete wet suits with a dildo lodged up his ass. I'm talking about Ted Haggard, the crystal meth enthusiast who paid another guy for sex every month for three years.

But he's not gay; Ted Haggard was abused as a child by a male friend of his father! Sure you were, Ted.

Or could it be that a lifetime submerged in a culture that demonizes and marginalizes homosexuality had the predictable effect of making homosexual acts seem just a little alluring? If everyone you know tells you homosexuality is a sin for dirty dirty sinners, doesn't it start to sound just maybe a tad sexy?

Sex columnist Dan Savage would probably apply what he wrote two years ago:

Like many fetishes, [this] is most likely a subconscious, erotic response to a sexually charged fear. While most of us learn to live with and occasionally conquer our fears without eroticizing them, a number of us respond to sexual fears or traumas by incorporating them into our erotic imaginations.

James Dobson says of Obama: "I think he's deliberately distorting the traditional understanding of the Bible to fit his own worldview, his own confused theology."

So...you're saying he's a typical Christian?

Seasons greetings from the Internet's most secular blog...to you and yours.

My non-denominational holiday gift to you...is Bill O'Reilly. Because I hate you.

Furdell matriarch "Mom" brings up a good point:

I think lots in the G and L community would be happy with civil unions as it affords them benefits and other practical things.

True enough. It's all the commitment with half the social acceptance.

In fact, I'm willing to enter into a civil union with Julia. Unfortunately they're not recognized by the state of Oregon, where we currently reside; and, even in states that do recognize civil unions, it's unclear whether hetero couples are elligible. That's right...they're separate, but equalish.

For those of you not up on your celebrity gossip (it pays to work at ABC), Charlize Theron has also decided not to marry her long-time boyfriend Stuart Townsend until gay marriage is legal in the United States.

Just in case someone thinks I'm unoriginal, I'd like to confirm here and now that -- while it's possible (though unclear) that Charlize may have come up with this idea before I did -- we each came to the idea on our own. In fact, I saw her make a declaration little more than a week after I had made up my own mind. Weird, huh? Isn't that what you kids call a meme?

BONUS: Watch next Friday's Judge Joe to hear the following awesome sentence...

Hey, if I wasn't a good mother, then my daughter wouldn't be able to sue me right now.

Well, it's about time I expanded on my little personal boycott on marriage. I'll try to lay out my whole thought process that brought me to where I am right now, and you can either sympathize with it or be even more disgusted by it than you already are.

If you'd rather not read an entire manifesto, just stick with the paragraph from my previous post, which sums things up pretty well.

I'm thinking my next blog should be a big anti-religion crusade. If I was running that now, this story about a New Jersey Baptist-deacon-cum-lawmaker trying to get the Devils hockey team to change its name would certainly be mockworthy.

The last issue I got of The New Yorker had a story about Creflo A. Dollar, Jr., an Atlanta preacher who espouses "prosperity theology." The Rev. Dollar believes wealth and religion go hand-in-hand. His church, which he runs like a corporation, has thousands of members, and he is on TV every Sunday, not just in Atlanta but pretty much everywhere.

There are several things that strike me about this guy and his church. One is that his name is Dollar. I first heard of him when we lived in Atlanta, and I just assumed that he had chosen that name, because, come on. The second thing is that this guy is filthy rich. Mansion, Bentley, private jet, the whole nine yards. He stresses the importance of tithing and giving as commanded in the Bible, even though I'm sure many of his followers can scarce afford to donate 10 percent of their pre-tax income to help fuel up his jet. He seems to have skipped over that whole part about how rich people can't get into heaven because their camels are too fat. It seems like the ultimate hypocrisy to me. Maybe he thinks that if he takes 10 percent of his "corporation's" profits and, I don't know, FedExes it directly to heaven, he gets to keep the other 90 percent?

Occasionally, I have very funny dreams. I mean, they have set-up that quickly leads to a really good punchline. I'm not that great at crafting elaborate story-jokes when I'm awake, but oh man, when I'm asleep...

Last night was not one of those nights; I had one of those dreams that takes a half-hour to explain properly and that makes no sense. But there was one excellent one-liner in there that I invite you to use in everyday conversation.

The context: some random chick is yelling at me again and again about something really trivial. As an added bonus, I appear to be at some kind of religious function.

The one-liner: "Hey, lady. Why don't I go get my cross and nails, and we can do this thing properly? Huh?"

Look. I know that it's part of the deal, that they are required to spend two years as missionaries annoying people around the world, but seriously, Mormon boys, STOP COMING TO MY HOUSE.

I have nothing against Mormons, per se, and there are individual Mormons of which I'm very fond (Hi Jen!). I do, however, think it takes a very high degree of arrogance to come to someone's house, interrupt them while they're writing a paper (as I invariably am), and tell them that they're going to Hell. Not that they ever say that outright, but it's definitely implied. It doesn't matter that I've put a great deal of thought and study into my religious beliefs (or non-beliefs, in the case of Mormonism). Nope, at age 18, these boys have discovered the "truth" that I have been too stupid to see.

So no, Mormon boys, you may not come in. You may not give me any literature. And if you want to pray for me, feel free to do so from the other side of this swiftly closing door.