Joe the Plumber, on homosexuality

Hilarious observations from America's favorite everyman (emphasis mine, obviously):

In the last month, same-sex marriage has become legal in Iowa and Vermont. What do you think about same-sex marriage at a state level?

At a state level, it's up to them. I don't want it to be a federal thing. I personally still think it's wrong. People don't understand the dictionary—it's called queer. Queer means strange and unusual. It's not like a slur, like you would call a white person a honky or something like that. You know, God is pretty explicit in what we're supposed to do—what man and woman are for. Now, at the same time, we're supposed to love everybody and accept people, and preach against the sins. I've had some friends that are actually homosexual. And, I mean, they know where I stand, and they know that I wouldn't have them anywhere near my children. But at the same time, they're people, and they're going to do their thing.

We should have just let the south secede

Dateline Jacksonville, Florida:

Parents are suing the St. Johns County School Board saying a teacher made their children learn a religious-themed song for an end-of-the-year program.

The lawsuit, filed last week in federal court, says “In God We Still Trust,” interferes with the parents’ right to raise children according to their own beliefs.

Sample lyrics:

Now there are those among us, who want to push Him out,
And erase His name from everything, this country's all about,
From the Schoolhouse to the Courthouse, they're Silencing His Word,
Now it's time for all Believers, to make our Voices heard.

Wow. I was pissed off when they made us sing "Proud to Be an American". This song would have sent me over the edge into total psychosis.

Ted Haggard isn't gay; he's an abuse victim

Remember Ted Haggard, the evangelical leader with the gay sex scandal? No, he's not the guy whose dead body was found hog-tied, wearing two complete wet suits with a dildo lodged up his ass. I'm talking about Ted Haggard, the crystal meth enthusiast who paid another guy for sex every month for three years.

But he's not gay; Ted Haggard was abused as a child by a male friend of his father! Sure you were, Ted.

Or could it be that a lifetime submerged in a culture that demonizes and marginalizes homosexuality had the predictable effect of making homosexual acts seem just a little alluring? If everyone you know tells you homosexuality is a sin for dirty dirty sinners, doesn't it start to sound just maybe a tad sexy?

Sex columnist Dan Savage would probably apply what he wrote two years ago:

Like many fetishes, [this] is most likely a subconscious, erotic response to a sexually charged fear. While most of us learn to live with and occasionally conquer our fears without eroticizing them, a number of us respond to sexual fears or traumas by incorporating them into our erotic imaginations.

At least they don't think he's Muslim anymore

James Dobson says of Obama: "I think he's deliberately distorting the traditional understanding of the Bible to fit his own worldview, his own confused theology."

So...you're saying he's a typical Christian?

Have a happy War on Christmas!

Seasons greetings from the Internet's most secular blog...to you and yours.

My non-denominational holiday gift to you...is Bill O'Reilly. Because I hate you.

Let's Get Civilly United!

Furdell matriarch "Mom" brings up a good point:

I think lots in the G and L community would be happy with civil unions as it affords them benefits and other practical things.

True enough. It's all the commitment with half the social acceptance.

In fact, I'm willing to enter into a civil union with Julia. Unfortunately they're not recognized by the state of Oregon, where we currently reside; and, even in states that do recognize civil unions, it's unclear whether hetero couples are elligible. That's right...they're separate, but equalish.

Yet another way that I'm like Charlize Theron

For those of you not up on your celebrity gossip (it pays to work at ABC), Charlize Theron has also decided not to marry her long-time boyfriend Stuart Townsend until gay marriage is legal in the United States.

Just in case someone thinks I'm unoriginal, I'd like to confirm here and now that -- while it's possible (though unclear) that Charlize may have come up with this idea before I did -- we each came to the idea on our own. In fact, I saw her make a declaration little more than a week after I had made up my own mind. Weird, huh? Isn't that what you kids call a meme?

BONUS: Watch next Friday's Judge Joe to hear the following awesome sentence...

Hey, if I wasn't a good mother, then my daughter wouldn't be able to sue me right now.

The Marriage Thing

Well, it's about time I expanded on my little personal boycott on marriage. I'll try to lay out my whole thought process that brought me to where I am right now, and you can either sympathize with it or be even more disgusted by it than you already are.

If you'd rather not read an entire manifesto, just stick with the paragraph from my previous post, which sums things up pretty well.

Before we begin, I'd like to start taking two things for granted.

I. As atheists go, you might consider me "staunch." This shouldn't be too shocking -- I haven't believed in god since I was an infant, and even then I wasn't exactly an avid churchgoer.

II. Social pressure tends to have the opposite effect on me from the one society was going for. (See Article I.) And I like it that way.

Now that we're all on the same page, here's the number one thing about marriage that bugs me: it is, at its core, a religious institution. If it's not historically, then it sure is in contemporary American culture. As you'll see, the exclusion of homosexuals from full marriage rights is at the root of this problem.

Q. You don't have to get married in a church, you know. Or by a minister. Ship captains can do it.

A. Yes, I'm aware of this. But why don't we allow homosexuals to get married?

You've probably heard the argument from some of our right-leaning politicians that allowing homosexuals to marry would open the door to polygamists, siblings, and NAMBLA. If you're reading this, you probably already think that argument is stupid, so I'll move on.

Then there's the argument that children would be innately harmed by having homosexual parents. Personally, I think that argument comes from fear of the unknown. I don't think homosexuals are all that much different from heterosexuals, and I don't think two dads or two moms would do all that much more psychological damage than one of each (or one of either, for that matter). If you're worried that the children could be socially ostracized, well, a little social ostracization can be good for you. (See Article II.)

My point is that these arguments are smoke screens. Nobody on the right wants to admit the real reason, in fact the one and only valid reason, that homosexuals can't get married: because marriage is innately religious, and in America we're Christians, and God is not cool with gays.

Well, God's not cool with atheists, either.

Q. But what about all the benefits?

A. First of all, let's not overstate the benefits. Any tax breaks or other financial benefits would be pretty small for me, since I'm already dealing with small amounts of income.

Marriage clears up some legal questions, like who can unplug me from the machine, or who gets my comic books after they're done unplugging me. But these are all things that can be cleared up in other, less matrimonial ways. Maybe it's not as easy, but it can be done -- and if homosexuals aren't allowed to have it easy, I don't see why I should.

It also occurs to me that something like half of all marriages fail. Marriages don't offer permanence; they just penalize breakups by making them more emotionally, financially, and legally difficult. I don't see that as a benefit.

Q. But if people see that you've been with someone for so many years and you're not even engaged, they're going to think you're weird.

A. See Article II.

Q. What if you want to have kids some day?

A. As it turns out, the biology works out in much the same way.

Sure, this would make my children "illegitimate," or even better, "bastards." The facts that I'd be in a monogamous relationship with the mother, that we'd all live together as a family, and that I'd be a good parent and provider would in no way "legitimize" my children, whatever that means. Because apparently it's all meaningless if you don't enter into a socially required contract. (See Article II.)

Would my children be ostracized for having unmarried parents? I don't see why. I'm unlikely to live in any town small enough that anyone would know that my kids' parents are unmarried. And if they were ostracized, well, see Article II.

Q. But your girlfriend wants to get married.

A. Yeah, and I don't. Should I flip a freakin' coin?

Put more diplomatically: I'm just as depressed by the idea of going against my principles and being a total hypocrite by getting married, as she is by going against contemporary American societal norm and not getting married. That my position is maintenance of the status quo does give me some measure of advantage, and I apologize for that.

Q. If homosexuals are allowed to marry, will you get married? (this question brought to you by RM)

A. I'd certainly consider it. At that point the only things holding me back would be ambivalence and a general dislike of boring ceremonies. The promise of gifts would probably tip the scales.

Q. This is why you're not joining the Army, too, right? (sarcastic comment brought to you by M. Pinz)

A. I've been talking about this for a while now, but this sarcastic comment is maybe the first thing I've heard that's actually made me stop and think. So, congratulations, M. Pinz.

This comment could be read to mean, "you're just using homosexuality as an excuse to get out of something you already don't want to do." Well, I've already written my response to that in the above 400,000 words or less. But this actually made me think of something totally different.

The truth is, if someone tried to pressure me to join the Army, its exclusion of homosexuals (or its "don't ask, don't tell" policy, which I've always thought was patently stupid) wouldn't even make the list of reasons not to before I totally abandoned the idea. Here's what my thought process would look like...

PROS
* ...?

CONS
* I totally disagree with this administration's military policies, strategies, and tactics.
* I'm also not too keen on murder.
* Mom would never allow it.
* I know it doesn't always look like it, but I'm actually trying to build some kind of career here, people. Two years in the desert might set me back.
* The Army? I have a degree in computer science! Can't I at least get into the Air Force, or something a little less cannon-foddery?
* ERROR BREAK

See? I didn't even make it to discrimination, or the fact that I don't want to shave my head.

Does that mean my position is somewhat contradictory? Probably...I'm willing to admit to some glaring contradictions. As I mentioned in my reply to RM, I eat meat even though I'm ideologically against it, because it's just too hard to give up. In the case of marriage, my ideological problems with it just plain outweigh the benefits. (And in the case of the military, all the benefits in the world would have trouble stacking against the cons.)

Q. So, you think you're so much better than married people?

A. Nobody's actually asked this, but I just want to make it totally clear that I have no problem with anyone other than me getting married. There's an element of political activism to my little boycott, but for me the intention of political activism is to raise awareness, not to expect other people to join me. If I went on hunger strike, I wouldn't resent you for still eating.

In closing: I expect to be with Julia for the foreseeable, and even the unforeseeable future. I moved from a big city where I had friends and disposable income, to a comically-named much smaller city where I didn't know anyone or have any prospects, just to stay with her while she goes to graduate school. If anyone still doubts my commitment to our relationship after that, I don't have much to offer them.

In fact, right now I'd say the one and only reason I can envision us ever breaking up is if Julia finally gets completely fed up with me for not marrying her, and she decides to leave in search of someone who will. I really hope that doesn't happen. She's not as big on Article II as I am.

I'm interested in a discourse on this, so feel free to comment.

Dream one-liner, come rescue me

Occasionally, I have very funny dreams. I mean, they have set-up that quickly leads to a really good punchline. I'm not that great at crafting elaborate story-jokes when I'm awake, but oh man, when I'm asleep...

Last night was not one of those nights; I had one of those dreams that takes a half-hour to explain properly and that makes no sense. But there was one excellent one-liner in there that I invite you to use in everyday conversation.

The context: some random chick is yelling at me again and again about something really trivial. As an added bonus, I appear to be at some kind of religious function.

The one-liner: "Hey, lady. Why don't I go get my cross and nails, and we can do this thing properly? Huh?"